I don’t recognize the Stranger in the mirror- the me whose face has more chiseled features with a stronger jawline and haunted eyes There is no idealism or fantasies of love in her eyes Instead, she stares back at me with a look of strength and determination- like she’s saying – βYou’re your own savior β and “There’s no such thing as Prince Charming” -“The princess has been left behind and youβre now a Queenβ
I wrote this poem in October of 2020. This one was really hard to post because of the content that includes sexual assault but I believe it’s important to share this part of my story.
so true
There was no way out- and so I pretended – I acted the part of a willful lover even when I wasnβt willing
There was no way out And he refused to read -the subtle hints of no -in between the lines of forced complacency
There was no way out And he kept taking me Every which way he wanted Even when my whimpers turned into sobs
There was no way out and I was terrified I needed to let him have my body to save my life
He swallowed 2 years of my life without meaning to. He swallowed 2 years of my love that he never intended to He swallowed all of my intense and innermost feelings and left me with an emptiness inside. He swallowed my confidence and turned me into a broken shell of a woman. And slowly Iβm trying to gather the broken pieces and repair my soul–
There were parts of myself I forgot when I was with you I forgot my self worth I forgot my dignity I forgot my self confidence I made the mistake of placing my worth and happiness in your unsure hands I made the mistake of giving you my heart I made the mistake of not knowing when to walk away I made the mistake in believing you would change I made the mistake of wasting my time and love on you
my emotional hangover drains me and anxiety and insecurity sets in – He makes my heart race- He inspires poetry Heβll be another tragic love story I know heβs not a βfinallyβ Heβs more of a βmaybeβ maybe heβll leave , maybe he wonβt I wonder how heβll grow tire of me
The moon guards and protects me as I lose my sanity as I drink too much as I search for someoneβs touch the moon sends the Goddess with a message of awareness and I wake up from my trance of self destruction and start an inner healing revolution my purpose was never to be diminished and objectified it was my judgment gone awry and I try respect and worth on for size my beauty is not all there is to me Iβm a mosaic of intelligence, love, and creativity never a barbie to be treated as a reward or trophy
my guardian angel sighs in exasperation and frustration sheβs tired of my self destructive behavior sheβs tired of being hyper vigilant as I tear my life into shambles and now she sees itβs too late there was nothing she couldβve done to stop me from giving into attraction and chemistry and she wonders how this story will turn out
this prodigal daughter got accidental bangs in Lima
the prodigal daughter returns to a homeland that she barely remembers itβs been 32 years since she stepped foot on Peruvian soil and this feeling is unworldly-indescribable-unimaginable she was a child when she left never quite understanding the whys or hows of her familyβs immigration journey in her adopted homeland, she suffered through hardships and failures but the ancestors always protected her from drowning in the immense waves of chaos and disasters, she ended up being tossed in and sheβll go to their graves and pay reverence to them for shielding her from danger the prodigal daughter returns, and she feels nostalgia rushing into her body and mind she is finally where she belongs
In anticipation of the night I was excited to see you But then we met And the look you gave me said it all without saying anything at all I had warned you I had changed But you refused to believe it and held onto an idealistic image of me in your head Worthless small talk ensued Even though there was nothing left to say Your body language screamed: βGet the fuck away from meβ But a small trickle of hope cemented my feet to the ground next to you And then a sorry excuse trickled from your lips And you left me stranded that night
the roses died and turned black in fall- and it reminded me of how many times love turns into black roses a sad sight indeed a sight that makes one cry because once love turns into black roses it can never be revived
Give me a man who will buy me everything and I will accommodate to him- Because unlike JLo my love costs all the pretty things dresses, jewelry, vacations in the caribbean give it all to me and you can be my king because if Iβm going to be treated like shit by a man in a relationship, at least let it be on a cruise ship
When I first started to watch the movie “The Breakup”, I was actually expecting the formulaic Romantic Comedy but it was actually a realistic movie about the demise of a relationship. I found myself relating to Brooke, one of the main characters in the movie more than I would have liked. At the beginning of the movie, we are shown this montage of how the relationship between Gary and Brooke starts and then develops so they are at a point where they move in together when they buy a luxurious condo. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, we are shown what conflict goes on in their relationship. As Brooke is preparing for a dinner party for both their families, she asks Gary to do things to help her prepare for the guests, Gary is full of excuses and essentially treats her like a nag. Maybe this is my biased perspective coming from a place where Iβve been treated as such.
What is first seen here is a breakup in communication where Gary is dismissive of Brookeβs needs at that moment. I think that a lot of women I know can testify what that feels like but most of us have been conditioned to excuse that kind of behavior. Anyways, at the dinner party, Brooke and Gary act like a normal couple. Also, what can be observed from Brooke and Garyβs families is that they both come from different social classes. We can speculate that this is maybe why their relationship didnβt work but I think it is just one factor. After their families leave, a fight ensues between Brooke and Gary over a simple domestic task, washing the dishes. Brooke wants Gary to help with this task and Gary grumbles about it and when he finally says heβll do, he has a bad attitude about it. Brooke doesnβt want his help and this resonates with me and Iβm sure it does with other women ,she tells Gary, βI want you to want to do the dishes.” That line implicates both control and hopeful expectations for her partner.
A lot of women I know (myself included) wants a partner that takes initiative in helping us and showing their appreciation for us. We feel like we shouldnβt have to remind them, they should just want to do it. If they claim to care about us and love us, why is it so damn hard for them to show it? I think the issue could lie in the cliche that we as women tend to expect βusβ and how we would act from our partners. In society, women are conditioned and taught to be nurturers and to show our love and appreciation for our partners. We are also taught to believe that we have to fit into certain categories of societal expectations in order to feel like we are enough and worthy to feel loved. Men, on the other hand, well, they are just taught that they are good enough as they are for their potential partners. Also, society has conditioned men that in order for them to be βreal menβ, they shouldnβt show their emotions.
Gary and Brooke
As women, we are conditioned to believe that we will thrive and be a whole person in society if we become wives and mothers. This belief makes a lot of women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate way more than they should in a relationship. As humans we are conditioned that life is incomplete without a partner and the worst thing that can happen to us is a life of solitude.
Even though Brooke breaks up with Gary, she later reveals that she does this in hopes that he will learn his lesson and change to become a better partner. She doesnβt actually want to break up with him. She goes so far as to bring the guys she dates to the condo theyβre currently sharing so heβll get jealous. This follows the belief of why many women stay in a relationship; because if they stick around long enough and do the hard work, their partner will change to become the partner they want them to be. It follows the belief that we as women can mold men with enough time and patience to become that partner. This infantilizes men in a way. Itβs a belief in which we are treating men like another one of our children that needs to be molded. Brooke βpunishesβ Gary like a child by breaking up with him in hopes heβll change into the partner she wants him to be.
Gary finally starts to take Brooke seriously towards the end of the movie. By that time, it is too late and sheβs already emotionally detached from him. There is a cliche saying βby the time the guy starts to care, itβs too late and the girl no longer cares . Iβve seen this happen many times in real life. In my own perspective, I tried everything to save my marriage with my husband and even though he tried, it was never enough in my eyes. His dismal effort kept making me feel less than, worthless even. By the time he finally saw that he was going to lose me; it was too late and I had emotionally detached myself from the relationship. Just like Brooke, I had time and time again invested so much of myself, changed so much of myself to try to salvage our relationship while he put in the most minimal effort. I canβt pinpoint the exact moment when I knew that no matter how hard he or I tried, our marriage couldnβt be saved.
At the end of the movie after Brooke leaves the apartment, she runs into Gary a few months later and they catch up in a cordial manner and glance back smiling at each other and one could say perhaps both of them got the closure they needed. Of course, in real life, me and my husband canβt afford to separate and divorced and have to continue to live together but through a mutual understanding we live together as roommates and co-parents. We actually do this successfully and almost painlessly. Heβll even give me life advice from time to time if Iβm going through something rough. I think that once we both accepted that we were no longer compatible as romantic partners, our relationship as friends got stronger since we felt free to really be our authentic selves with each other.
So I wrote this essay a couple of years ago as I was reflecting about the end of my marriage:
As my eight year marriage comes to its inevitable end, Iβve been rewatching the series Mad Men. When I first watched the series, I admired Joan and Peggy for being strong female characters in the show but I always thought there was something about Betty Draper that I could relate to. Itβs strange to think about considering sheβs a white upper class sixties housewife in New York and Iβm a working class millennial immigrant Latina woman in Georgia. Itβs hard to grasp that there would be any similarities between but there are many indeed.
Betty and Don at Fancy Event
(Me and Hubs at my brotherβs wedding reception)
Betty feels trapped in her suburban idyllic existence and often times feels frustrated; Iβve also felt this way throughout the past fifteen years. Betty wonders if there is more to life than what she is living which is rearing children and being a good wife; Iβve constantly wondered the same thing except that I have the added burden of working.
Don, Bettyβs husband acts like she should be happy with her life and gets mad at her when she shows real emotion, kind of accuses her of being crazy and sends her to a psychiatrist that he secretly talks to about her sessions without her consent and knowledge. My husband never went so far but for most our relationship he did accuse me of over reacting and/or accuse me of being crazy if I got βemotionalβ about something and/or brought up needs that werenβt being met in our relationship. It always felt that I was expecting too much out of our relationship for wanting normal things in a relationship. My husband has also acted like I should settle for what the little he can give me in terms of companionship and be happy with that since he was. For a long time, I felt that maybe I could and should settle for this but settling made me miserable for several years.
Don also kind of stopped investing time and energy into his marriage. He took Betty for granted because they were married with two children and hid behind his work and his many dalliances. My husband was never one to make time for us or continue to woo me in any sense after we started living together. Instead, he hid behind the raising of our children and the fact that he was always tired. He could never spontaneously compliment me and I was always either too fat or almost too skinny for him. Betty overlooked Donβs lack of affection for several years in the same way I overlooked my husbandβs. I feel that this had to do with how women are conditioned to be polite and swallow their emotions because again–weβll be accused of being crazy and/or hysterical.
The beginning of the end of Betty and Donβs marriage started when Betty eventually gets fed up after having one of Donβs affairs rub in her face and throws Don out but later they get back together because she finds out sheβs pregnant with their third child. Don does try to be a somewhat better husband but eventually goes back to his philandering ways. There have been a few times throughout our relationship that I did try to break up with my husband but because he always apologized and said he would change, I always took him at his word and wanted to believe he would change. We even planned our third child and got married shortly after getting pregnant. I think I subconsciously did this because I thought a baby and a marriage would be the band aids that would fix βusβ.
Betty eventually gets tired of Donβs lack of effort and also his lies and eventually asks for a divorce, she tells him something like, βI donβt feel anything when I kiss youβ; it seems that this was when she knew that it was over for her and Don. For me, it took me a couple of years to be firm in my decision to divorce my husband. I think that I finally realized that there was no way I could continue the faΓ§ade of our marriage when I realized that I no longer cared that he didnβt notice me or felt anything remotely like romantic love when I kissed him. It took him a while to understand why I wanted a divorce since he was happy with βusβ and his main concerns were, βwhat about the taxes?β or βwhat about the kids?β. But like Don, he eventually agreed to it and said that he wouldnβt fight me about it. Itβs kind of eerie that women like myself can still relate to a sixties housewife when it comes to relationships, marriages, and the stigma of divorce. Iβm sure that people wonder why I would stay in a stagnant and awful relationship/marriage; thatβs simple; I loved my husband. I thought that loving him meant that I had to settle for a marriage devoid of any real affection. I thought that the love I felt for him would be enough to change him one day.