el hielo de tu despedida me destruyo eras otra leccion que aprendi, otro hombre que me quemo Y después de 4 años quieres pedir disculpas disminuyendo todo lo que pasó como si fuera un accidente menor como si no me arruinaste la vida como si no me trataste como basura Querido, es demasiado tarde para tus remordimientos dile a tu conciencia que se calle solita, me encargue del desmadre que dejaste Y nosotros hemos sobrevivido sin it Entonces, vete, vete, vete Nunca más regreses aquí
I’m 18 and walking across the football stadium to receive my diploma the one I almost didn’t get, my parents and I breathe a sigh of relief
I’m 24 and I hold my baby boy in my arms, it’s love at first sight he’s the best birthday present and I’m humbled
I’m 28 and I’m graduating from college,it’s been a an arduous journey to get here but I make it and my dad cries and tells me how proud he is of me
I’m 30 and holding my third baby boy, he’s my rainbow after the worst storm everyone in my family holds him and there is an overflow of love
I’m 36 and my oldest son is walking across the gymnasion to receive his diploma I cry with elation and pride, my heart is filled with pride and joy for him
I am restless and unsettled realizing you never loved me I was just another girl to you nothing special, nothing meaningful just someone temporary to pass the time with I’m growing tired of this repetitive story Another love that expires when I ask for something more Another story that starts off with so much promise only to end up as another tragedy
Por fin conocí al hombre hecho para mi pero es un catastrophe, el casado ser su amante sería un pecado pero me pregunto y pregunto si el me desea si el sueña conmigo si el anhela un beso mió
my real diagnosis should be “failure at love” childhood trauma gave me abandonment issues teenage trauma cemented it and added identity issues combined with chronic emptiness I couldn’t stand the constant void within so I chased love trying to fill it constantly sought out validation from men to stop feeling ugly and alone I’ve used them and they’ve used me as band aids for our mutual loneliness and when I start to feel sure of their love it suddenly disappears and all of my issues came back with force with suicidal ideation entwined And still I dusted myself off and tried my luck with love over and over again thinking each time it will be different except it never is they always tire of me and decide to leave and once again my insanity hits and I break Intrusive thoughts spiral in my head in an endless loop “’i’m a failure to love,i’m a failure at love, i’m a failure with love,i’m never enough, i’m worthless, death must be better than this” this was my tragic love story for 26 years but on year 26, I said “fuck this tragic love story” and I got the courage to change it I’m not a failure to love, I’m not a failure at love or I’m not a failure with love I’m enough by myself, I can be alone by myself and I turn into a success story of love
nunca me has conocido pero estás intrigado por mi forma de ser dices que soy sexy y estupenda y te llevas bien conmigo puede ser porque te dejo dominar cada conversacion y se como acariciar tu ego Riéndome de tus bromas estúpidas y soy muy agradable A lo mejor estoy siendo cínica a lo mejor tu eres diferente y debería darte una oportunidad y tú no serás otro hombre que me tratara como un pasatiempo
¿Qué tengo que aprender antes de que sea mi turno? estoy agotada tratando de encontrar a ese esa alma gemela, aquel con quien siempre soñé ese hombre que me extienda su mano cuando empiezo a ahogarme
verte de nuevo enfrente de mi quería hacer una escena y gritarte todas tus verdades hacerte sentir mi dolor pero mi sentido común me interrumpió Cualquier cosa que hiciera o diría en ese momento de ira no importaría no cambiaria lo que pasó o el daño que me hiciste sería mejor alejarme de ti y no darte una onza mas de mi energía
the beginning, the middle, and the end of this year-be brave and get the bangs
As 2022 ends, I feel a sense of gratitude and peace in my heart for how many blessings I’ve had this year. I’m closing this year off with immense serenity in my life. That’s saying a lot for me who used to live in chaos and for adrenaline rushes. I’m not saying I’m “healed” or “cured” of my BPD but I will say that I’m so much better at managing my emotions. This year has been about recovery from my BPD symptoms that often left me in a constant influx of emotional chaos. While I still feel my emotions intensely, they don’t control me like they used to. I’m a much happier and content person at the end of this year than I was starting off the year. In fact, this has been one of the best years of my life. I wanted to give you some insight into what helped me:
1.Routine and Consistency pays off-
In the latter half of 2021, I started to pay really close attention to how I was spending my time and learned what was working for me and what wasn’t. When I’m not working, I incorporate a routine of wellness and creativity that helps me feel balanced in my otherwise super busy life with 2 jobs and 3 kids. I make time for exercise 1 to 2 times a week and write daily. I’ve learned that this combination has helped me so much in bettering my mental health. The endorphins from walking/running always makes me feel better especially after a rough day. Writing every day has been instrumental in helping me manage my emotions. I journal every day and try to write poetry daily even when I’m not super inspired. Do I like everything I write? No, but I don’t filter out anything I’m thinking no matter how crazy or dumb it seems like at the time. If it’s a poem, I tell myself, well I can always revise and edit later. This first draft is almost always going to be rough. Here’s a poem I wrote about it:
2. Find your own Happy Place or Happy Places This year I’ve felt a sense of overall contentment in my life because I’ve learned how to be happy. Happiness is a hard emotion for me because I’ve been depressed and anxious for the majority of my adult life. However, one of the things I learned this year is to build happiness, and sometimes that looks crazy. Music, writing, nature, exercising, and food are a few of the things out of many that bring me joy. This year, I even made a playlist called “Happy Music” with Yung Gravy and Jack Harlow songs that hype me up. Here is that playlist:
3.Take back the Power from the things that have made you feel powerless
I used to live in a world of insecurity and fear about a lot of things. I allowed my fear of failure to keep me from living a full life. Last year, I decided to stop doing this and just started living unapologetically and authentically. I stopped caring about how I’m perceived to others for the most part. One example is that I was always too afraid to call myself a writer/poet because 1) I wasn’t published 2) I didn’t feel like I was intelligent or eloquent enough in my writing to do so. In fact, when I was posting poetry in 2016/2017 I used to call my writing mediocre and I now think that was a disservice to myself. It was me devaluing myself and my art. This year, I’ve learned not to judge what I’ve written or decide to post. It might resonate with someone or it might not resonate with anyone.What matters to me is that I’m being brave enough to share it with the world.
stop that shit
4.Whatever you do, don’t suppress your feelings.
This one is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. For years on end I had been conditioned that anger and sadness were these negative emotions that I should try my best not to feel and express. Even when I allowed myself to feel them, I still spiral into a loop of shame and guilt about it. I went through a process this year of learning to let go of that shame and guilt and fully feel those emotions, express them (sometimes through exercise or writing), and organically letting go of them. I’ll admit, sometimes I do get hateful when I’m like this and a hateful poem happens but I tell myself, this is me in this moment and doesn’t define who I am. It’s like an emotional burp or first thought that needed to be expressed. Yes, sometimes I call my poems emotional burps or first thoughts. Doing this has helped me find more contentment, satisfaction, and gratitude in my life in general. Here is an example of one of those “emotional burps”:
5.Be Protective of Your Energy I cannot stress this enough. The only way I was able to really thrive this year is to understand I could not extend my emotional bandwidth. One thing that kind of drained me was men,relationships and sex so in May when “C” stopped responding to me, I decided to delete his contact info, archived our photos and pretty much ended that relationship on my own terms. I was honestly really proud of myself because I took it in stride and accepted it because well me and him had a good run. I also told any other men I was kind of entertaining that I wasn’t available for anything aside from a platonic friendship. With that, I decided to give myself a year of celibacy from that part of my life. It was rough starting out because aside from a couple of months here and there, I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been romantically involved with someone. 7 Months later, I’m much better. I’ll admit that celibacy does suck at times but it’s been completely worth it. It’s the break I needed to really discover who I am without the validation from relationships and men I’ve been dependent on since the age I was teenager. I plan to date sometime in May after my divorce is final provided I feel like I have the energy. Right now, my energy is really happy and thriving and I’m continuing to build on this.Here is a poem I wrote about missing my white jacket after me and “C” ended:
6.Acknowledge and take accountability for your part in your misery
I’ve been doing this on and off for the past 5 years but if I had to be honest with myself, I’ve also blamed others unfairly for my misery. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge that the actions of other people have caused me pain or that I condone that pain but at the end of the day I can’t control them. I can only control myself. This means I choose what situations I put myself in, who I allow into my life, what energy I let in, etc,etc. I used to think that life happened to me and I didn’t have much power over it. Thanks to a deep level of self awareness and introspection, I’m hyper aware of much control and power I have over my life and damn, it’s way more than I expected. It took me a while to get here and it sucked because now I can’t blame my parents, my exes, or that idiot who put a triggering status post on facebook about politics- it’s really me and how I react to it/them. As difficult as it has been to acknowledge this, it has also helped me feel this sense of peace in a lot of ways. I sleep way better at night understanding this concept. I also understand that there are things I won’t have control over but I always have a choice as to how I react to it. Here is a poem I wrote about it:
2022 was one of the calmest and best years of my life. This year was my year to rest and recharge because I know 2023 will be chaotic with all the changes I’m making in my life. These changes will be uncomfortable but like someone once told me, “you have to go out of your comfort zone in order to grow”. I hope that whatever happens; I continue to grow and learn from the experience. I’ve healed and transformed into the healthiest version of myself but still understand that I’m a work in progress. I look forward to continuing this journey of self discovery and am excited about what’s to come.
This is my response to prompt #9 : The best way to spend a cold evening
this was me earlier this when I read this poem at open mic
A warm fire heats us up as we lie naked underneath lots of blankets we laugh and joke about our “comedy of errors” that had to take place in order to get here Vulnerable in intimacy in each other’s arms unmasked from all of the preconceptions of who we thought we needed to be to love each other loving each other in our worst moments while finding joy and euphoria in our best moments like this one
I’m not meant to be loved behind closed doors or only at night or kept as your little secret I’m not meant to be the mistress, the side chick or your on call whore I’m not meant to be devoured at your convenience in 2 hour increments I’m meant to be taken out in public in the daytime and introduced to your family and friends I’m meant to be part of your relationship status, your girlfriend, your partner in crime I’m meant to be paraded and exhibited everywhere but most of all I’m meant to be loved out loud
This was my response to prompt #31: One word to describe your year
It’s hard but always well worth it
Growth was uncomfortable and made me want to crawl out of my skin I had to acknowledge my own toxicity and take accountability I stopped blaming my parents or exes for my sadness and angst I held up a mirror to myself and recognized it was me holding myself back I was the worst villain in my story and never the victim I chose to turn this story around and confront my trauma head on, write my demons out-embrace my self-imposed solitary confinement, throw out my self invalidation, learn self compassion In order to evolve into a person of value and worth I let go of anything unhealthy and make sacrifices by giving up my self-destructive vices Growth could only happen in solitude and embracing radical honesty
Si los deseos si cumplierian Hubiese deseado que fueras diferente Alguien de confianza, alguien leal Alguien que tenía ojos solo para mi En cambio eras otro payaso con su corona de mentiras que mandó espinas a mi corazón y me destruyó
Easy E,Tupac, and Dr.Dre calmed me down when I was lost amidst a nervous breakdown I couldn’t remember who the fuck I was or where I came from then I blasted some Gangsta Rap in my ear and remembered who the fuck I was I’m a Queen from the land of the Incas raised in West L.A and Paradise I’m made to withstand earthquakes and hurricanes even when they come disguised as humans that’s when I turned my grief into anger and rage and knew I wouldn’t be “just okay” I would make this my greatest comeback in my life story
This was in response to prompt #28: The person you’re always happy to see
me and my youngest son
My son is my light during my darkest of days He’s a burst of an infectious kind of of good energy Maybe it’s because he got the best of me he was loved even before he was thought of and when he was born he was more and everything I dreamed of he was a much sought out rainbow after the worst of my storms
Life on the BPD 