even in our middle age, our mami still tends to us calling us, asking about our eating habits and love life giving bits of wisdom and encouragement still worrying about us she doesnβt have to but itβs her nature to do so itβs a habit of almost half a century thatβs hard to break itβs a tradition of an unconditional motherβs love
My humble beginnings make men want to play savior with me as I tell them about my childhood drenched in poverty and chaos they try to act like white knights trying to rescue from the cinderella trauma I suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to protect me but what they understand is that itβs not how they will earn my heart because all I want is to be heard, to bee seen as an equal and not a poor victim of my tragic life circumstances
When Iβm 54, I want some things to stay the same and others to change I want to love freely unafraid and unashamed and without apologies without the anxiety I have right now that one day heβll leave I want to have the same creative energy that motivates me, and continue to share mine and my familyβs stories that will continually be seen and make me succeed I want to not worry so much if itβs a matter of when this epidemic of violence and madness reaches someone in my family or live with the fear one of my loved ones will be detained I want to have hope for the future of my children and descendents that when I leave this earth things will be better for them because I did the work so they didnβt suffer and can enjoy life a bit more also , I want to be filled with financial stability where Iβm not doing financial gymnastics to pay my bills on time and an no longer a slave to my debt but mostly when Iβm 54, I want to have evolved as a healer who continues to share her light in this world as a poet, writer, and storyteller
Iβm a complete disaster when it comes to love, well, romantic love but Iβm great at other kinds of love Loving my children, adoring my friends, worshiping my parents and of course filling myself with self love but still I wonder if somewhere in this big wide world exist an almost ideal lover whoβll bring out my best and love me at my worse who wonβt put me on a pedestal and doesnβt scare easily and leave when he sees all of me
Hold onto joy and magic in times like these pause, breathe, drink water Remember your existence is resistance all of that pain, sorrow and grief felt in your body Alchemized it into poetry, art,a story or you could just scream and allow it to exist understand that the oppressors want to overwhelm you And make you crazy and over react using it as an excuse to frame you as the enemy protect your peace at all costs if someone threatens it, itβs a sign theyβve handed you a match to light up and burn their bridge to you and finally, Remember, the distress, the exhaustion is intentional to burn out your light Donβt let them
Is this a new kind of avoidance? Blocking and escaping any new love possibility- or maybe I finally understand How much I value my solitude Maybe Iβm finally enjoying an inner peace and calm that comes with being alone Maybe Iβve finally learned I really am enough on my own
dating a soldier in not for the weak in these modern time especially now with a civil war and WW3 on the horizon our new love story could be cut short if heβs deployed Things can get complicated and messy if end up dehumanizing or ripping apart families like mine because its his job it makes me wonder if we were foolish in the throwing caution to the wind and getting into a relationship it makes me wonder if we have any chance of working out
Iβm not trying to be rude, Iβm not trying to be mean but I can wear whatever I want, I can post whatever I want Your reaction to any of it is not my responsibility I donβt care if you acquire a thirst for me and delude yourself into thinking you love me Iβm just woman sharing my story however I see fit in order for me to heal, in order for me to help others feel a bit seen Iβm not here for some random man to tried to persuade into a love story Iβll never be interested in writing
compassion and hope appear in a phone call from my prima right before I give in to my hate and anger right before I let my rage control me and make it into a weapon of destruction she reminds me that this is not who I am and to choose forgiveness and empathy for those who hurts us for they donβt know what they do and I wonder if it was an intervention from God, the universe, reminding me that revenge and the wrath of my anger is not the answer and instead I should look to love and wisdom passed down from my ancestors for the confusion and frustration turned into rage that lies within me
Te dije que no estaba preparada pero no me quisistes escuchar Y insististe, insististe que yo era la ΓΊnica para ti que tu me amabas nunca me preguntastes sobre mi comodidad nunca me preguntaste si estaba bien mandarme piropos y fotos sensuales Y cuando te pedΓ respecto a mi persona me acusaste de ser otra loca mΓ‘s
my beloved LA is under siege the place that saw my immigrant child self grow, and learn English the place my parents decided to make their new home the place with tastiest hot dogs at culver city mall
my beloved LA is under siege and all I can do is watch the carnage be livestreamed and Iβm transported once again to the L.A riots in 1992 when I was 11 and violence and madness was a stoneβs throw away from our small apartment while mami pretends nothingβs happening as she cooks dinner and weβre all glued to the TV
my beloved LA is under siege and I couldnβt be prouder of my people standing loud and with a firm grip of love and justice for the most vulnerable of us whose only crime was to come this country in search for a better life
closing the door to love is filling up every moment Iβm awake with work,therapy, my kids activities, time with friends, Exercise, facing fears, writing, writing, and more writing because I want to be so busy I donβt have time to think- to think about romance, to think about what could have been to think about how nice it is to have someone so instead, I fill up every second of my life with everything that fuels my growth so I donβt have time to think about this love nonsense
we get up and live our daily lives, work, go to school, show up to jury duty while the new regime is on a warpath to destroy the lives of the most vulnerable of the marginalized, of those who are not white, cis, and male we get and continue to live as if the American Gestapo isnβt ripping families apart and as if city after city isnβt been torn apart and turned into a warzone
not feeling romantic lately as my community is torn apart and cruelty is served to them by this administration with no end date as I watch Americaβs Gestapo treat my people as worse than animals but somehow Iβm suppose to block this all out and reply to your sext about all the ways I want you to ravage me
put me on a pedestal and watch how quickly I fall for saying no to you For standing up for myself for making myself heard Youβll cry foul and wonder, where did my dream girl go? but donβt you see- I wasnβt made for altars and pedestals I was made for thrones A throne where I know my worth A throne where Iβm valued A throne where Iβm appreciated as a whole person and not just seen as an object as affection and masturbation So quit seeing me as a saint or angel and understand Iβm a chaotic queen