I wrote this in October of 2007.
Unanswered whys continuously haunt me
Why didn’t we last?
Why did “us” end?
We were the best love story
Where was our happy ending?
Why did our romance suffer an
abrupt and cruel end?
Poetry: Why?
Poetry: The Latina Thing
I wrote this in September of 2019 after I read somewhere about some politician making fun of AOC for doing the “Latina Thing”. It annoyed the fuck out of me.
Make fun of our accents-
Make fun of our names-
But y’all never have our rich history
Call us feisty, caliente, spicy
Call us fiery, loud, sexy
But y’all will never have the exotic magic
we carry within ourselves
Try to bully us into silence
Try to put us down
with racist and ignorant insults
But y’all will never have
our immigrant work ethic
or ingrained determination
Try to stereotype us-
Try to make us feel less than
Try to kill us-
But y’all never kill our chingona spirit
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Poetry: Cold
I wrote this in October of 2007.
The freezing cold
hit me as you
said your last
goodbye.
No more warm
and cozy instances
of your body
entrapped with
mine.
Will I ever feel
warm again or
is the cruel cold
a permanent thing?
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Poetry: Sigh
I wrote this in 2007 when I was frustrated with life.
Indentations
of small
frustrations
wear thick
in my
thoughts.
To take them
out is what I
desire to do.
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Poesía: Pasión
Here is the English Version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/04/30/poetry-early-passion/
Haciendo el amor contigo
me lleva a un Utopía
llena de felicidad
aunque recien nos conocimos
hace 2 días
tú sabes cómo tocar mi cuerpo
como un amante conocido
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Poetry: Small
I wrote this in 2007 when I transferred to a 4 year University. It was a rough experience.
I feel small in this enormous and elitist world
it doesn’t seem like I will ever fit
It only seems like a perfect fit
for my younger, blonder, whiter,
and younger counterparts
Older, hispanic, and poor is not acceptable here.
Should I even try ?
When I’m destined for failure on this institution’s steps
Failure on the steps is what I feel here-
a place where my browner, poorer self
feels like an outcast, an undesirable- by the eyes of prejudice
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Poesía: Un Amor Liberal
Here is the English version of this poem:
Poetry: A Liberal Kind of Love
Besitos en la mejilla y
tomándonos de las manos
son cosas del pasado
Cuerpos calientes cubiertos de sudor cojiendo
con una nota de adiós en la mañana
es ahora nuestro modo de ser
Respecto, sinceridad, y confianza
son palabras olvidadas
Decepcion, desilucion, y egoísmo
Ahora son nuestra palabras sagradas
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Poetry : Dreams
I wrote this poem in late 2007 when I was depressed about my life. Again, instead of going to therapy, I just wrote a poem about it. Lol.
Tainted dreams
of life is what
I have left.
A career of abstract
nothingness lies
before me.
Chaotic and sensitive off springs
I must put before me.
Frigidity and
senility in my
marital bed lie
next to me.
Is this it? Is this
what is left
of my
foolish childhood dreams.
Scattered dreams
in my past
become failures
of my present.
Will my soul
ever recuperate
from the cost?
Will I ever be that
hopeful again?
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Poetry:Traitor
Aquí esta la versión en Español:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/08/08/poesia-desgraciado-2/
Perhaps I’m crazy,
Perhaps I’m dramatic
But I must say
You’re a traitor
for what you did to me
Causing me so much heartbreak
and misery
Pretending to “love me”
Behind your “nice guy” disguise
was really an asshole
who lured me with sweet lies
into a web of treachery
and infidelity
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Poem: My Sleeping Poem **trigger warning**
I wrote this poem in December of 2016 after my almost love affair with death on December 5th. It’s strange how aside from my journal entries from that month, I hardly remember that month. I just remember feeling so broken inside and like a failure after that happened that it was so hard to get up every morning. I do know that writing saved me during that time because I started journaling way more consistently. I would learn years later after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder that up to 10 percent of people with BPD die by suicide. Five years later, I’m glad that I had people by my side that prevented me from becoming one in ten. I’m glad that afterwards, I was able to slowly come back from this even if I was mostly depressed the year after and it was a fight to get up every single day.
For more information about the high risk of BPD and Suicide, here is a link from Psychology Today with info about it:
I wanted to sleep
Sleep beckoned me
Like a magical place
Where I could forget
Forget-
The burdens and responsibilities
Forget-
The performance reviews, the report cards, the bills
Forget-
The husband, the kids, the friends
I wanted to sleep
So I planned my journey there
Call in sick, act natural,
Take the bottle of xanax
I wrote love letters
To my children, my husband, and friends
Just in case I fell in a forever dream
I wanted to sleep
Selfishly, without interruptions
I wanted to sleep
So I didn’t have to think
About my mediocre and suburban reality
My lost dreams of greatness
My wastefulness on this earth
I wanted to sleep
But I was interrupted
By my husband shaking me
Halfway carrying me
To the couch, forcing coffee
Down my throat
I wanted to sleep
But I had to wake up
And endure the reality of life
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Poesía: Injusto
Here is the English version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/26/poetry-unfair/
Me siento
molesta, enojada, frustrada
cuando pienso en ti
Estoy
deprimida, miserable, desilusionada
desde que me abandonaste
Mientras tu estas
Feliz, reluciente, brillante
eres un idiota miserable
Es injusto
que el destino me lleve a alguien
que me daría un dolor tan profundo
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Poetry: Nostalgia
I wrote this poem in 2004 when I was feeling nostalgic about my ex boyfriend A after I had a dream about him. That love story is actually super complicated but that’s another blog post.
The light falls on his eyes for a few minutes
And I see the flecks of green in them
But what I really see is a different life
I see the life that could’ve been mine
I see the kids we never had
I see the us that was and couldn’t be
But mostly what I see
Is a world full of remorse
Because of adolescent lies and pride
That made us say
Sorrowful goodbyes
Goodbye Hazel Eyes
And the almost happy future
Held in them
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Poetry: Waiting
This another poem inspired about the great breakup of 2001. I probably wrote this when it first happened. My sense of reality is shook up after a break up and it feels like a never ending nightmare that I’ll never wake up from after it happens. This doesn’t happen with every break up…just the ones that really affect me.
Waiting
So I wait for the phone to ring
To hear you say
this loneliness has all been a horrible dream
So I wait for you to show up at my door
To tell me you can’t stand being away from me no more
So I wait for your love letter in my mailbox
To begin getting back together
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Flash Fiction: Once Again
I wrote this in 2004 and revised it recently. It’s not based on anything from real life.
They’re driving back from the theater. All evening he’s been quiet and she wonders what is going on. She reaches for his hand but he won’t give it to her. She tries to look into his eyes and he looks away.She can feel him cold and distant. She no longer recognizes what is supposed to be “them”. With tears in her eyes, she says, “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing.” he says as he’s still evading her eyes.
“Do you still love me?” she asks with a quivering voice.
“I’m sorry.I’m in love with someone else. It’s nothing you did. These things happen, I hope–
“STOP!” she yells. She’s barely holding it together at this point.
“I’m really sorry, I just want to-”
“STOP! I’m done with this. Stop the car.” she screams at him.
“You’re being crazy, at least let me-”
“NO. I want nothing from you! Stop the car NOW!”
“You need to calm — he stops mid sentence as he sees her taking off her seat belt and unlocking the door. He stops the car. He says, “I just want–”
“Fuck what you want” she says as she gets out of the car.
“But I-”
“There is nothing left to say”. She tells him. She walks away while she cries and laughs.She whispers to herself “fuck.once again”.
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Poetry: Fence
I wrote this in 2007 about my husband. I was frustrated that he was always so guarded with his emotions and his past. I hated that I could give him my vulnerability and he couldn’t give me his. Looking back now, I should have realized how incompatible we were at the time, but my stubborn and optimistic self wanted things to badly work.
A steel and locked fence guards you.
It does its job well.
Your insecurities and emotions never
come out to play with mine.
Your past never comes out to
join mine in a game of nostalgia.
Will your fence ever open for me?
Life on the BPD 