I wrote this in April of 2002 when I was depressed AF. I wrote this because I was in a toxic work environment where I was discriminated against, disrespected, and at one point even slut shamed. We could say by today’s standards that I was bullied to the extent that getting up every morning for this job was really hard. I was tired of it when I wrote this poem. I’ll tell the story of this toxic job in another blog post.
resilience should be my middle name
I wish I could throw up everything ugly in my life and only enjoy the beautiful Perhaps tell the put me down people to fuck off Or stop their pathetic attempts to change me into their idea of what I should be And stop getting talked into what they think is best for me
So I’ve been in denial for the past few weeks. I haven’t been keeping up with the COVID numbers as I usually do and have been ignoring the news about this new Delta variant of COVID. Last year, COVID basically consumed most of my life since I was an essential worker for the Department of Public Health and Kroger.
me in April 2020
It was basically an adrenaline rush that kept going strong with constant policy changes at both jobs until October/November and there was peace and almost going back to normalcy until late December when the COVID vaccination phases started. During this time, this took a toll on the mental health of me and my fellow coworkers. There were times that were so dark for me, that I wondered on some mornings if it would be the day I would be committed to the psych ward.
me in August 2020 on one of my worst mental health days
However, I was super fortunate to have support from friends and my then supportive partner during that awful time. I was also seeing Mr.Toxic who was my pandemic buddy who I would freak out with every time something new happened with the virus. Up until a few weeks ago, things had basically gone back to normal at both my jobs. Masks were basically a thing of the past (well for us that are fully vaccinated) and I wasn’t getting any calls about Covid.
Me in May of this year when Masks were no longer mandated at my second job
That changed this past week when once again the numbers are rocketing out of control with the Delta Variant. I also started getting calls again about Covid at my DPH job and once again masks have enforced for all employees at both of my jobs
August 2021-Here we go again
At this point I’m honestly anxious about quite a few things:
How long before school goes remote? I’m particularly worried about my 10 year old who is a social butterfly and hates remote learning. Also, all of these constant changes and transitions from in person to online learning cannot be good for the kiddos. I imagine therapy will be needed at some point for some of these kids.
I will be facing this COVID surge without the support of a romantic love interest this time around. I’m kind of anxious about how I will cope but then again I really have no choice in this matter. Idk. Then again, I am lucky in having a great support system with my friends and my family and now my therapist. I’m also more determined to turn to my set of healthier coping mechanisms (DBT, journaling, exercising , writing, etc.) which I hope helps me stay away from my usual unhealthy coping mechanisms (alcohol,binge shopping, dating apps, etc).
Will there ever come a point where COVID does become like the flu or will this stupid virus keep mutating and keep getting more contagious? Will we as a society ever get back to a sense of real normalcy?
It will be interesting to see how all of this will play out with the new surge. I hope that the new administration will be way more proactive than the previous one. I also hope that mental healthcare ends up being more accessible to the general population because a lot of us will need it.
Below is the link for the COVID related post from last year:
So last week, I started a second job at Kroger and I’m excited about it. I feel that with this job my life will finally start moving forward. My end goal is to be financially independent from my husband so I can separate from him. I know that sounds harsh but it’s been over between us for a while. I know that it will be hard trying to work anywhere from 60 to 70 hours a week but sometimes in America, you need a second job to move forward in life. I follow the examples from my hard working immigrant parents who have set this precedent for me. I’m tired of struggling and just getting by. These are my goals:
1) My first goal is to pay off debt I accumulated during my great depression of 2016 and 2017 . 2) My second goal is to build my credit score enough to get approved for a used car loan. Right now we only have one car and it’s rough.
3) Save up for a down payment for a car.
I know that I’m sacrificing time with my kids but since they’re older, they understand. Also, they deserve better than what we’ve been giving them and it’s up to me to take that initiative. This is part of my plan to make my life better for me and my kids. We’ll see how it goes.
The last few months of 2017 have been a roller coaster of a ride from 3 job changes within a month to issues with my middle son. However one of the good things that happened was landing my current job in October of this year. I’m an administrative assistant for public health. Through this I was introduced to the keto low carb diet. I want to clarify that while the diet was highly recommended and there is a workplace wellness program for it; no employee is ever forced to do it. I researched it ,prepped my meals and started doing the diet since October 16, 2017 and have gained already a few benefits like 11 pounds lost,loads of energy, and becoming super aware of the harmful processed foods I have been eating all of my life. I hadn’t had my labs drawn when I first started the diet but decided to do so today to hold myself way more accountable. So I had my blood drawn for labs, was weighed, and had measurements done for the Workplace Wellness program to help monitor my progress on the diet. I started the diet with great enthusiasm and for the most part maintained myself below 20 grams of carbs a day but lately I’ve been slipping off track due to the holiday seasons and life stressors. I think taking full advantage of the Workplace Program will renew my motivation for a healthier lifestyle the low carb way. I have various reasons for beginning this journey and continuing it that I will only discuss a few now.
Me last week definitely feeling better after 2 months on Keto.
My biggest reason for doing the keto diet is my health-both physical and mental. You see, I’ve suffered half my life from anxiety and depression and while I’m on medication and have gotten better at managing it, it’s simply not enough. I’m constantly reading articles on studies about how I should exercise or practice mindfulness or eat specific foods to help my serotonin levels and be “happy” . While I understand that it all can help; for me personally, a drastic change such as changing my diet needed to be done. For me, food was one of those comforts I would seek out in order to help me “feel better” after a bad day. I felt like I needed the white rice, french bread, potato chips, and tacos to help me survive. Obviously,I had a very unhealthy relationship with food and it got so bad this summer that I was at my heaviest at 179 lbs which is pretty heavy considering I’m 5’4. Being this overweight made my depression worst, my energy was drained every single day so bad that it was a struggle to get out of bed and function. I also could not keep up with my very active boys ages 12 and 6.The extra weight also made my occasional hip pain worse to the point that some days I was limping around.
Me at my heaviest at 179 pounds.
I knew that at this point I was at risk for other factors due to family history, my maternal grandmother has had diabetes with complications since she was in her 50’s, I remember watching her test her blood sure since I was little and it never looked like something I wanted to do. My paternal grandmother also had diabetes in her 50’s. My maternal grandfather had heart disease as he got older. My father himself has high blood pressure that’s not easy to control. If I didn’t do something fast; I was a ticking time bomb of soon to be obesity and diabetes among other diseases that would shorten my life.
My second biggest reason of course are my three sons ages 19,12 and 6. I want to live long enough to see them through major milestones in their adult lives. I also want to set a good example for them about is a healthy relationship with food. While all three of them have been super hesitant about trying out even certain foods on the diet, I hope that in the future they will consider it as all three of them could benefit from it in different ways. My oldest has social anxiety/major depressive mood disorder, my middle and youngest children are overweight and have a high BMI; I also want to add that my middle child has possible ADHD and emotional problems.
My three sons ages 12,6, and 19.
Today the nurse asked me what my goal was and I basically told her I wanted to be at a healthy BMI. My current BMI is 27 which puts me in the overweight category. While I go love myself and my body at 160 pounds, I know I can do better to feel better. I will be sharing different tools and resources I use that I find to be successful throughout my journey.
So while the idea of starting a new blog before seemed awesome, it quite wasn’t the case while trying to move and start a new life somewhere else with my family. Just a quick update on me:
I went from unemployed in December 2011 to employed with another state agency in March 2012. At first I was like happy, kind of smug feeling
that I had not only secured with a state agency but I was going to get paid more and actually use my B.A as a Family Independence Case Manager (AKA Food Stamp and Medicaid Caseworker). I had my own office and training was basically a breeze. However, when training ended, I found out they had other plans for me. So now, as of Feb 2013, I feel kind of like this you know unhappy, kind of dreading to go to work every day, having a breakdown on a weekly kind of basis. By the way, the model in both pics is my now 19 month old son. Figured, I would make use of his expressions to express how I feel about my job while updating everyone (all probably 2 of my readers on his looks). Getting back to my unhappy feelings about my job: Reason #1-I have been placed on the front desk as what I feel is a glorified receptionist. I basically get the brunt of all the frustrations the clients feel as well other bureaucratic bullshit the higher ups hand out to us (especially since we are going live with a new business process model-later on in March). Reason#2- Flexibility from this job is basically gone thanks again to the new business process model. Apparently, if the higher ups thought we were thoughtless robots on an assembly line before then it rings even more true now! When I first got this job, I was encouraged to create my own schedule so I was super-excited to work from 8:00am to 4:30pm. Well, this is no more an option. I now either work from 7:30am to 4:30pm or 8:00 am to 5:00pm and I am literally forced to take an hour lunch. Forget that maybe your child has an activity after school or maybe you want to take an extra 30 minutes one day during the week for a much needed counseling session. You are basically a slave to either one of those time slots and this is more so if you are at the front desk where coverage for you is basically non existent at times.
I could go and list more reasons as to why I detest job but I will leave it at that for now. Moving forward, I have decided to look for another job and concentrate more of my energy in bettering myself and family and once again really rejecting stagnation instead of letting another year of living in mediocrity pass me by.
Life on the BPD 