I wrote this poem in August of 2022.
the shelf of my bookcase breaks, and my poetry notebooks fall
every single one of my love stories scattered on the floor
Failure after failure
Were any of them worth the effort?
Was the experience worth the suffering?
Maybe it was for the inspiration behind my prose and poetry
and the growth I’ve had
Still, that doesn’t seem like an adequate answer
I want to hold on to what’s real
and not be stuck in a daydream
I want to live in my present
And not stuck in my past
I want to be over you
and not be triggered
by the memory of you
I can’t live without you another day
But I have to stay away
You are now part of my past
To you, I was another piece of ass
Even though I wish your love was mine
Without you, I will be just fine
Because no matter how weak I get
The memory of you, I must learn to forget
So with these few words I may win the war
On loving you no more
Here’s a link to the original 2006 poem that inspired this poem:
the sky fell on me on that tuesday morning
when you ended me with a 5 minute phone call
for weeks I cried on the carpet
until I fell asleep
for weeks I wanted to fade away
into an abyss of nothingness
and even though it’s been almost decade
I still think about that Tuesday morning
the morning I lost the small piece
of innocence I had left
Today is National Getting Over It day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate it than by sharing my ANGRY AF playlist. A huge part for me getting over something tragic in my life is to get angry. And when I get angry, it’s almost like a volcano eruption. This is actually pretty healthy for me because I’ve felt that at times, anger has saved me from feeling all of my sadness at once which for me can get really overwhelming right away. I can even say that Anger has probably saved me from spiraling into an abyss of sadness that would be hard to crawl out of. In other words, anger has helped me survive whatever trauma has come my way. I used to be so ashamed of being angry because of how it would turn me into the most self absorbed and reactive person. I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve learned how to better manage my anger. Instead of drinking or hooking with random dudes because I’m angry; I exercise or write while I listen to music. Most of the songs in this list are geared more towards someone going through a breakup because that is when my anger comes out the most. Thanks, BPD. Lol. In bold are my favorite songs from this list.
For the Brokenhearted: I’m ANGRY AF Edition (the only where you scream out the lyrics):
Below are links to the playlist for your listening pleasure:
“My last year in my 30s ended up with me being an essential worker during a pandemic while being a mom of three and being involved in two different romantic liaisons. I could look back on what I have not accomplished in my life and be sad but instead I’ll focus on my growth and my goals for the next year. I’ve made a lot of progress this year both financially and personally. I’ve improved my credit score by 100 points by working 2 jobs and paying debt off. Also for the first time in my adult life I’m in a healthy romantic relationship with a wonderful man. This time last year I didn’t think either was possible and at times I don’t feel like I deserve all of the good fortune in my life. As I look forward to my next year and my new decade, I hope to really focus on becoming a confident driver, submit my writing everywhere and try to get published, and continue to work my two jobs to save up to buy 2 houses. I’m kind of excited for what the next decade looks like. My thirties taught me I can survive what I once thought would not be survivable. During my thirties, I felt myself merely surviving. In this next decade I look forward to thriving.”
I wrote this a year ago and so much has changed. I can tell you that my 40th year didn’t go as planned. I’m not involved in any romantic relationships.In fact, for the first time in 26 years, I’m not chasing love or the adrenaline rush of being in a romantic relationship. I can honestly say that I am in the healthiest and happiest relationship at this time-with myself. This time last year, I thought that personal growth meant sustaining a “healthy” relationship with someone and now I’m not so sure. I have more to say about this but that’s something I will share later on. I could talk about everything that went wrong this year but I won’t. Honestly, there are parts of that year that I’m not done processing and not ready to talk about and that’s okay. I learned in therapy that grief isn’t linear and I have to honor my process and not to suppress my feelings. It’s hard to write this but it’s my truth. What hasn’t changed is that I’m still working 2 jobs and am actually paying off new debt that I incurred when I went on several binge shopping sprees this summer and fall. I do have to say that my wardrobe is amazing and I’m the best dressed person in the office. I’ve had tremendous growth this year in a lot of areas. I’m in the best shape of my life after I took up angry power walking and running this summer and lost 20 pounds within a 3 months period. I beat this driving phobia I had through exposure therapy. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality this summer and successfully completed a therapy program that has helped me manage my symptoms in a much healthier way. I started blogging again. I’ve lost count of how many poems and essays I’ve written because this year has been beyond inspiring. The best thing that has happened this year is that I’m finally the woman I had always wanted to be but was too afraid to be. It’s taken a lot of hard work, tears and so much introspection to get here. Here is a place where I no longer run away from my life but I run to it instead. Here is a place where I’m comfortable and in love with solitude and am no longer chasing the high of love in someone else. Here is a place where I look forward to each and every day because I finally understand that my life is a gift and not a burden. Here is a place where I’m no longer just surviving but I’m thriving. Here is a place I want to stay in for a really long time. My goals are for this year are simple:
Here is me looking forward to a calm year full of growth and progress.
I wrote this in 2001 after experiencing a really bad break up. Break ups tend not just break my heart but also make question my self worth. It’s really hard for me to get over someone especially if I get super attached to that person. In this case, I had been with the dude for like 2 months and I guess thought that maybe he was “the one”. Well that wasn’t the case when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. At least it inspired dozens and dozens of poems. Lol.
You make me feel like shit
and it’s breaking me bit by bit
I don’t know what to do
Knowing you love someone new
I feel so helpless
I’ve become such a big mess
and now seeing you and her
I see now that I was just another girl
This playlist that I will share is titled: “For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry). I don’t handle breakups very well. Actually, I handle them poorly and go kind of nuts. Music helps me cope with the multitude of emotions I have. This playlist is the kind of playlist you play out loud in your car or at home with your headphones as you write mediocre and sad poetry. This playlist is based on the disastrous and heart wrenching breakups I’ve had throughout my life. These are songs I go to when I’m feeling numb or the waves of sadness come. I’ve put in bold the ones that I like to put on repeat.
1.Wrong Direction-Hailee Steinfeld
2.Someone You Loved-Lewis Capaldi
3.Rest Stop-Matchbox 20
4.Dangerously- Charlie Puth
5.Don’t Speak-No Doubt
6.Goodbye to You-Michelle Branch
7.Stone Cold- Demi Lovato
8.Lose You to Love Me-Selena Gomez
9.Too Much to Ask- Niall Horan
10.River of Tears- Alessia Cara
11.The Night We Met- Lord Huron
12.What a Time-Niall Horan with Julia Michaels
13.White Flag- Dido
14.Consequences- Camila Cabello
15.I Have Nothing-Whitney Houston
16.I’m Going Down-Mary J.Blige
17.It Must Have Been Love- Roxette
18.Another Sad Love Song- Toni Braxton
19.Hello- Adele
20.Breakdown- Mariah Carey
Below are links for your listening pleasure:
I wrote this poem in 2002 when I was about to break up with this guy “R” that was kind of aggressive and mean to me throughout our relationship. He was also kind of a jerk to my toddler son at the time. Instead of ending things, I ended up cheating on him and eventually ghosting him at a time when he needed me the most. Needless to say, he was pissed and wrote me lots of hate filled emails in CAPS LOCK and colored ink. It was pretty intense. I felt horrible after that.
What do you say
when you fall out of love
with that special somebody?
How do you explain
that they no longer have your heart?
What do you do
when you see the hurtful expression
on their face?
As you tell him,
you’re no longer his to hold.
How can you live after
causing so much pain?
Life on the BPD 