this didn’t come easily but I finally love myself to the moon and back it was a hard process after so many years of self loathing and drowning in my insecurities I was my own worst enemy constantly focusing and scrutinizing Every single one of my imperfections Ugh, I’m too dumb or too fat or too old Never did I see myself as a masterpiece of God’s making until this year and now I’ve grown to love and accept every version of myself because despite of all of my mistakes and flaws I’m still worthy of all the love in the world
My aura is a bright orange red it means I’m passionate, it means I get angry easily it means I have the most intense energy and while I joke how my soul is black my aura tells a different story It tells a story of a woman who loves hard who’s an emotional mess at times Who fosters a unique strength and resilience to go on Who’s a fucking Goddess
hold me until I forget about how this story usually ends With me having a meltdown and crying and you leaving cause you can’t handle it Hold me until I find enough courage to trust you to be vulnerable and soft with you Hold me until you make me believe in love again
I want to scream, I want to cry I want to throw myself off the precipice of some cliff but faith whispers to me “You will not always feel like this” and slowly I begin to piece myself back together and It’s hard at first because I don’t know where to start Because so much in me is shattered and scattered But somehow I know that faith is by my side and hope will quickly follow and I won’t always feel so lonely, so hopeless
“One day I’ll be falling without caution”- Conan Gray
in front of our fireplace we remember who we once were the unhealed and unhealthy versions of ourselves who met And threw caution to the wind and fell in love Built our own sanctuary of intimacy only to give in to our insecurity and fears and sabotage it all years later and tear it all down and while we’ve said It needs to be left in the past it’s not who we are anymore We both live with the hidden fear One or both of us will break again And brings a war of words back to our newly constructed universe of love
Old insecurities come to visit me again, they shake up my newly acquired confidence they tell me I’m not smart enough and I’ll never be truly loved They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be Otherwise I’m a waste of a person because of my bpd And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown Because I have made so much progress and have come so far Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war but it’s daunting not to let the negativity get to me So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
Lord, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do if this ever happens
in the dark corners of the earth the karma gods get together with their hit list they scheme and plan lessons of devastation, destruction, and death to teach someone a lesson about poetic justice
What’s the cost of being authentically me? not everyone will like me, lovers will run away from me I have a hard time finding someone who accepts me but it’s fine, it’s okay my worth means more to me than anyone who wants me to swallow parts of myself to accommodate to them because my self-esteem means more than acting like someone else’s dream so maybe the cost of being truly me is low compared to the parts of my true self I would lose for false friendships and false loves
It’s been almost a year since I saw you Almost a year since I allowed you to treat me like your on call whore almost a year since I got a sinking feeling in my gut when your text appeared on my phone screen almost a year since I allowed any man have the power you had over me almost a year and contrary to popular belief you were the easiest of my addictions to get rid of
Can I blame the morning rain for making me crazy yesterday it’s like I lost all of my emotional regulation skills and I had to constantly struggle to reign my anger in To not key my annoying coworker’s car To not drive off somewhere and never come back but HEY I still managed to get through the day and not rage quit
the end of the fiscal year brings out the worst in me it crushes my soul and creativity and makes me want to run into the woods and go feral but my kids need food and shelter so I put all of my distress tolerance skills to use and my try my best to emotionally regulate my anger and the fire that burns inside of me hide behind phrases “okay, I’ll get that done” “no worries” and “it’s no problem at all” when I want to tell everyone to fuck your purchase orders and spreadsheets but sigh-I like my nice car and Alexa playing Olivia Rodrigo in the morning so I hold everything in because I desperately need this paycheck it sucks to be held hostage by capitalism
almost cried out anger today but instead went for a drive a good choice for me and who I wanted to kill blasted my music and screamed “I fucking hate white women” they seem to be a thorn in my side all the fucking time focusing on my mistakes and snitching to my boss pretending to be friend never apologizing when they hurt me constantly trying to bring me down trying to make me feel less than and while I hate how much they affect me at least today I’m grateful that today my hatred for them inspired me to write this poem
on the shitty days I remember there is another open mic to go to
not every day can be filled with peace, calm, joy or excitement Some days are absolutely shitty and depressing Some days it’s hard to get up in the morning without screaming fuck repeatedly on your way to work Some days are overwhelming to push through as hormones and emotions fuck you up Some days are for questioning your life choices over and over again allowing doubt and insecurity to cloud you its accomplice self invalidation Some days are for getting up only to look forward to the end of it when you can sleep with the hope for a better day
Life on the BPD 