Birthday Poem Para Mami
Poetry: Pathetic Games
I wrote this in January of 2003 about John. Maybe he tried to come back to be an FWB and I got mad and that’s what inspired this poem.
Why do you continue to be
such an asshole to me?
With your pathetic games
you make yourself look lame
You expect me to sit around and wait for you
whenever it’s fucking convenient for you
but I guess this is my fault
for letting us almost fuck
So now I have to tell you something
I will no longer be your fucking fling
So start to forget
that we ever met
Go on your merry away
and stay away
for i am lot more
than an on call whore
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Poesia: Falsa Esperanza
Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John. Estaba tan decepcionada de el. Fue difícil dejarlo ir.
Yo tenía la esperanza
Que tu eras el hombre
Que yo tanto esperaba
Pero después de ver
la fea manera que me trataste
Ahora me doy cuenta
En realidad los que tu piensas
Que no mas fui
Cualquier otra para ti
No fui algo especial
Nunca te iba a importar
Y ahora me quedo sola
Y estas lagrimas
que se convierten en un mar
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Poetry: Gone
I wrote this in December of 2002 and it wasn’t inspired by any breakups, it might have been inspired by a movie I watched or a book I read.
I woke up one day
To see that you had gone away
All you left was a note
You could no longer cope
With our love mess
You had tried your very best
To be the man I wanted you to be
The one who only cared for me
You had only pretended to be true
And now you say the time has come
You’re sorry it took so damn long
All that is left is goodbye
You tell me to not even ask why
You wish me the best in life
One day I’ll make a great wife
And with your signature you sign off
I hope that someday you’ll find true love
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Playlist: ANGRY AF
Today is National Getting Over It day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate it than by sharing my ANGRY AF playlist. A huge part for me getting over something tragic in my life is to get angry. And when I get angry, it’s almost like a volcano eruption. This is actually pretty healthy for me because I’ve felt that at times, anger has saved me from feeling all of my sadness at once which for me can get really overwhelming right away. I can even say that Anger has probably saved me from spiraling into an abyss of sadness that would be hard to crawl out of. In other words, anger has helped me survive whatever trauma has come my way. I used to be so ashamed of being angry because of how it would turn me into the most self absorbed and reactive person. I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve learned how to better manage my anger. Instead of drinking or hooking with random dudes because I’m angry; I exercise or write while I listen to music. Most of the songs in this list are geared more towards someone going through a breakup because that is when my anger comes out the most. Thanks, BPD. Lol. In bold are my favorite songs from this list.
For the Brokenhearted: I’m ANGRY AF Edition (the only where you scream out the lyrics):
- FUCK YOU, GOODBYE-The Kid LAROI , Machine Gun Kelly
- abcdefu-Gayle
- SELFISH-The Kid LAROI
- SAME ENERGY- The Kid Laroi
- good 4 u-Olivia Rodrigo
- Cute Without the “E” (Cut from the Team)-Taking Back Sunday
- Sugar, We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
- Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today-Fall Out Boy
- The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes-Fall Out Boy
- traitor-Olivia Rodrigo
- Better Than Revenge -Taylor Swift
- Push-Matchbox Twenty
- You Oughta Know-Alanis Morissette
- We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together-Taylor Swift
- Stronger Than Me-Amy Winehouse
- Priest-Julia Michaels
- Sorry-Beyonce
- Death by a Thousand Cuts-Taylor Swift
- Closure-Taylor Swift
- Look What You Made Me Do-Taylor Swift
- Your Name Hurts-Hailee Steinfeld
- Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
- Lying Is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Her Clothes Off- Panic! At the Disco
- BEST FOR ME-The Kid LAROI
- I Bet You Think About Me-Taylor Swift
- This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things-Taylor Swift
- Head Club-Taking Back Sunday
- Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
- Ignore Me-Betty
- Sue Me-Sabrina Carpenter
Below are links to the playlist for your listening pleasure:
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Poesia: Moriste Para Mi
Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John. Estaba bien enfadada que el me rechazo y abandono porque su madre no aprobaba de mi.
Tu moriste para mi
Cuando te fuiste de aquí
Y decidiste que yo no era más
Que una de tus muchas faldas
Pero tu te equivocaste
Al pensar que yo soy cualquier otra mujer
NO! Yo soy algo divino y estupendo
Que pena que tuviste miedo
Pero sabes algo
Ya no hay modo
De que algún día te perdone
porque eres un cobarde
Y ya no me importa
de amar tu nunca fuiste capaz
Y quizás es mejor así
Ya no me puedes herir
Y habré llorado bastante
pero de mi ya no te doy un instante
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Poetry: Extremely False
I wrote this about John in 2002 after he ghosted me after taking me to see his mom. His mother didn’t approve of me-an uneducated single mom. It was rough and of course I took it personally. So John fell off my pedestal and it was a long fall.
Perhaps you feel too smart
to let someone as ordinary as me
into your heart
Perhaps you think I’m not good enough
to be deserving of your love
Perhaps you are only sure
I’m just good for pleasure
Perhaps you wear a know it all smirk
And believe I’m just like any other girl
Perhaps you believe in your head
I’m only good to warm up your bed
But darling I’m sorry to say
You won’t get your way
Because I respect myself too much
To let myself melt with your touch
Because I am worth a lot more
than any of your trophy whores
Because I have an actual mind
Without you I’ll be just fine
But mostly because I would never fall
For someone so extremely false
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Poetry: Thirty-Seven
I wrote this poem on February 22, 2019, the last day of being 37. It was a chaotic year that was filled with lots of ups and downs. It was the year I met “C” and who I now referred to as my “good” ex Jake.
Last day at 37 and I am humbled
By the calm that comes after the storm
That was last year
Several waves came
In the forms
Of the average millenial fuck boy
Pretending to converse
In hopes of DTF
It was fun, it was sexy, it was tiring
And when I was ready to quit the tinder world
My blond hurricane
Torpedoed into my life
One sweltering and lonely July Night
He took over my damaged heart
And mind
He took me on a rollercoaster of emotions
From rays of happiness
To rowdy winds of devastation
With more hellos, goodbyes and I love yous
That I’ve had in a lifetime
It was crazy, it was chaotic,it was love
And in one of our
Almost solid goodbyes-
In waltzed the amber of hope
He slowly put back together
The broken pieces of my heart
The hurricane had left behind
He made me believe hope
Was within my reach
He calmed down my chaotic thoughts
He held my peace and happiness
In his hands
It was good, it was easy, it wasn’t enough
And I just crashed back into
My previous existence
Of married monotony and routine
Again, I am alone and empty
In my solitude of motherhood and marriage
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Poetry: Could I Be The One?
I wrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had only known him a couple of weeks and had already become so infatuated with him and obsessed.
Could I be the one
who makes you stop having fun?
Could I be the girl
who becomes your whole world?
Could I be the light
in your darkest nights?
Could I be the passion
who becomes your inspiration?
Could I be the hope
Who helps you cope
Could I be the love of your life
and possibly even your wife?
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Poetry: Thoughts
I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt when he contacted me again and said he was coming to see our son for the first time. It was a really confusing and chaotic time for me. Even after everything that had happened and I had been through I was still romanticizing him. Ugh. Gotta love that BPD.
I thought my feelings for you
had come to an end
When you thought it was best
For us to go our separate ways
And all of a sudden
Once again you appear
Explaining you felt a strong need
To be near me
That in your time away
You realized you made
The biggest mistake
By breaking us apart
You broke your own heart
A part of me is sad
A part of me is happy
I want to save my dignity
What am I to do?
I want to be with you
But don’t want to end up a fool
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Trauma be like…
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Poetry: Precious Moments
I wrote this in 2002 about my ex Andrew whom I dated briefly in 1997/1998. Well, we’ll call him the first Andrew because I love to recycle names. Lol. I had a tendency to get nostalgic about because the love and infatuation I felt for him was really, really intense. Also, our story was kind of crazy in its own right but that’s another blogpost. I’ll just say that I idealize him and placed him on a pedestal for many, many years after we broke up.
I think of you tonight
More than I do on most nights
Listening to this melancholic song
Brings back all of those precious moments
With you in my mind
When we were each other’s whole world
And nothing or no one else
mattered except you and I
And I wonder if I ever run through
that beautiful mind of yours
Or if I ever reached your heart
if even for the briefest moment
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July 24th 2021
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poetry:could I dream you into existence?
I wrote this poem in October of 2022.
you wear many faces, sometimes you have dark hair
sometimes you have blond hair
but you always take me in your arms
and make me feel loved and accepted for who I am
you don’t care that I’m too crazy or too much
It’s a type of excitement, an almost adrenaline rush for you
and if I annoy you-you’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous
but apologize right after I burst into tears
and you’re not afraid of my tears or screams
because you know it comes with the territory
when it comes to loving me
and then I wake up-
in my self imposed solitary confinement
and I wonder if this dream could one day come into existence
like my other dreams
or it it will become another fulfilled fantasy
Because love stories aren’t meant for someone crazy like me
Life on the BPD 