llegó al sitio de mi juventud y recorro en mi mente todo lo sucedido días de mi felicidad, días de mi amargura y todo me aloca al llenarme sentimientos encontrados que se habían perdido en la esquina oscura de mi mente pero poco a poco regreso a mi presente y se que ya no soy la niña ingenua e engreída de ayer ahora soy una mujer hecha y derecha lista para enfrentar mi pasado lleno de heridas emocionales que todavia sangran lista para sanar todo lo que ignore alguna vez es una necesidad para seguir adelante con mi vida sin que los fantasmas de mi pasado mi sigan persiguiendo y haciendo un desmadre de mi presente y futuro
me in September of 2022,,,the transformation is complete
The transformation is complete from caterpillar and butterfly It was full of painful epiphanies that brought an epic catharsis It was life changing and transcendental Facing my fears, driving out the toxicity within Acknowledging brutal truths, letting go of regrets and embracing my divine duality I’ve finally become the butterfly I was always meant to be who flies and lands on her own terms
One day the memory of you will fade away and my heart will be grateful for that- because I can’t move on to a new love story until I stop dreaming of you until I stop writing about you It wouldn’t be fair to me or to him to attempt to write a new love story when remnants of the old one still show up in my poetry
you burned down my impenetrable wall with your kisses, with your caresses with your honesty, with your authenticity and while I’m terrified that one day you’ll leave I’m reminded every day you’re not temporary fantasy by never feeding me bullshit promises by never avoiding conflict by never treating me like a princess And by always inspiring me and evolving along with me
My son holds the universe in his eyes with his potential, with his sense of wonder his eyes are not yet jaded by the inhumanity of this world and I dread when the day comes as his innocence starts to fade
In the beginning, it was just me and you – and it was hard making sense of being a mom the heavy weight of caring for another human felt like it was going to crush me at times and I tried my best with my lack of knowledge with my lack of judgment so your lullabies were the goo goo dolls and sugar ray and your bedtime stories were stephen king and cosmo the pediatrician did tell me to read to you- at 17, I thought he meant anything at 17, I was far from June Cleaver and I felt so inept at times and while other moms read parenting books on how to become mommy dearest I focused on school books to graduate from high school so we’d have a fighting chance so while you never had a typical mom you still lucked out with a mom who’ll always fill you up with love and strength a mom who’ll always have your back
running in the sun warms my body, warms my thoughts it invokes my need to worship it like my ancestors before the colonizers declared it wrong and pagan but they couldn’t erase my blood and my DNA and my deep connection to the Sun, my ancestral GOD Always bringing me to the surface of gratitude and love
Ahora veo que tu tenias razón en acabar nuestro cuento de amor Ahora veo que tu adiós fue una bendición y no es que porque te odio o porque te tengo rencor no, al contrario te deseo lo mejor te deseo que el universo te bendiga con felicidad y paz entiendo ahora que lo de nosotros no podía continuar por que tu nunca fuistes y nunca serías el hombre que me ayudaría evolucionar o que apreciara mi creatividad o que pudiera luchar a mi lado cuando la realidad de la vida se vuelve un huracán difícil de navegar me hiciste un favor al irte para espacio para alguien con la fortaleza y valor que tu nunca tuviste
Siempre soy una perdedora en el amor y esto me agobiaba, me hacía sentir menos pero después de investigar las razones de mis rupturas amorosas Descubrí que la culpa no era mía, ni de mis exes ni del destino- lo que pasa es una mujer poderosa y fuerte como yo se va a demorar y demorar para encontrar a alguien que me sepa apreciar y amar como la reina que soy
hay que tomarnos tiempo para conocernos antes de brincar en otra tragedia de amor hay que ver que encajamos de verdad antes de profesar “te amos” y “te quieros” y no apresurarnos en empezar algo que algún día nos destruirá
mami cocoons me in her warmth, holds me carefully so I don’t break I’m her porcelain baby doll she nurses me back to health with devotion and dedication I’m a gift from the heavens- an unexpected surprise sent to complete our family and she doesn’t care if I came slightly damaged
As far as what my future holds for me, I’ve been doing a lot of long term goal planning and manifestations the past few years and that’s been working for me. Here’s a recent blog post I wrote about it:
The past 2 years was me trying to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had this very vague idea, almost like a sketch but now I have a clear picture of what that is exactly. Getting out of survival mode was crucial for this development and I’m excited about the future. One thing I can tell you is that there will definitely be more storytelling. In fact, for the month of September, I’m telling my story chronologically with some of the moments in my life that most impacted me. This came about organically as I was planning blog content for that month and I said, “fuck it, let’s do this” and “let’s see what happens”. I think that so much of my healing happened because of my storytelling. It was important for me to retell my story because that’s how I took ownership of it. It helped turn me from a victim to heroine in my story and this has been monumental to my healing process. Of course, sometimes that looks crazy and messy but it only proves what a resilient and powerful Queen I am to still be standing despite the chaos and trauma I’ve been through. Here’s a poem I wrote in April about it:
Sharing my story
I’ve taken off my mask and stop repressing my true self- And while it’s terrifying at time, I show the world my authenticity and vulnerability I share the parts of my story that are terrible, happy, sad, lovely, crazy, beautiful, and tragic so others don’t feel alone and find solidarity in my chaotic and bicultural story of love, rage, defeat, hate, and resilience And bring to light my rich and vivid experience of the duality of being a rooted and rootless, Peruvian and American, a hateful and kind woman living her life fearlessly and shamelessly
I restarted this blog a couple of summers ago as a way to cope with my mental breakdown and at the time I had only 17 followers and now I have more than 300 followers who have been incredibly supportive and encouraging throughout this self discovery journey. Thank you to all of you who have given me this safe space on the internet to share my story through blogging and poetry. This has been incredibly instrumental in helping me in my recovery from BPD . It’s given me a sense of love through community that I didn’t know could exist and I’m incredibly grateful and humbled by it. Anyways,if you’ve made it to the end of this blog post, you’re the best. I’m not sure what year 3 after my BPD diagnosis but I hope I continue to evolve and live a life with purpose for the betterment of myself and my kids.
It’s Bichota Season and like Karol G says, “La Vida es Mia”-it’s me and my meds against the world
Life on the BPD 