Eventually I had to come up for air from my bubble and live in the real world where bills are piling up, people continue to crash out on my social media feed, and I face a constant existential dread constantly wondering if I am doing enough
Iβm paid less than everyone according to the statistics and itβs simply because of my ethnicity and gender at times I get mad about this but then Iβm like, it is what it is and wonβt change in the near future instead I continue to work hard for my and my kids betterment and try my best to live out my immigrant dream
your lips on mine taste like happiness on steroids is this what they call joy is this what they call euphoria are you the happy ending Iβve searching for since the age of 15 are you the reason that I want to burn down every poem inspired by lovers that arenβt yo
one last hit before we have to call it quits before we have to move on to new love stories before we have to grow up and forget our Alice and Peter personas and try to find something mature, something healthy, something long lasting
for a long time I thought the universe had forgotten about this lovergirl thought my destiny was to be alone but the universe was plotting and planning writing a silver lining I had quietly manifested and prayed for taking the time to write a new song that inspires poems about love, hope, and joy making sure I had enough time and introspection in order to be ready for my version of 11:11
your love is pure and evergreen and Iβm surprised by it never had anything like it and part of me wants to sabotage it start a stupid fight where you end up as another catastrophe I add to my tome of my lust and love but something tells me, itβs my anxiety doing a number on me and Iβm deathly afraid of how close we are getting and for now I pause, I breathe, I tell myself this time itβs different this time, iβm not some hidden secret kept in your pocket this time, both of us have done the work and gone to therapy this time, we both have eyes open and have shown most of our cards this time, it could work out
spring love happened unexpectedly on our first date, he called me his Incan Queen and sent jolts of electricity though my body the first time he touched me and even though itβs too soon to say if this will be my last chapter in my book of lust and love and weβre only almost 3 months in what I can say is that this feel promising, worthy, and something simply with pure intentions that feels almost majestic
one day the weight of this burden I carry wonβt feel so heavy and it wonβt be so tough to exist in a country that wants to exterminate people like me or my family, one day this nightmare will be over and the hypervigilance Iβm living will cease to exist one day will come unexpectedly and Iβll find my way back to safety and security
When Iβm 54, I want some things to stay the same and others to change I want to love freely unafraid and unashamed and without apologies without the anxiety I have right now that one day heβll leave I want to have the same creative energy that motivates me, and continue to share mine and my familyβs stories that will continually be seen and make me succeed I want to not worry so much if itβs a matter of when this epidemic of violence and madness reaches someone in my family or live with the fear one of my loved ones will be detained I want to have hope for the future of my children and descendents that when I leave this earth things will be better for them because I did the work so they didnβt suffer and can enjoy life a bit more also , I want to be filled with financial stability where Iβm not doing financial gymnastics to pay my bills on time and an no longer a slave to my debt but mostly when Iβm 54, I want to have evolved as a healer who continues to share her light in this world as a poet, writer, and storyteller
Iβm a complete disaster when it comes to love, well, romantic love but Iβm great at other kinds of love Loving my children, adoring my friends, worshiping my parents and of course filling myself with self love but still I wonder if somewhere in this big wide world exist an almost ideal lover whoβll bring out my best and love me at my worse who wonβt put me on a pedestal and doesnβt scare easily and leave when he sees all of me
Hold onto joy and magic in times like these pause, breathe, drink water Remember your existence is resistance all of that pain, sorrow and grief felt in your body Alchemized it into poetry, art,a story or you could just scream and allow it to exist understand that the oppressors want to overwhelm you And make you crazy and over react using it as an excuse to frame you as the enemy protect your peace at all costs if someone threatens it, itβs a sign theyβve handed you a match to light up and burn their bridge to you and finally, Remember, the distress, the exhaustion is intentional to burn out your light Donβt let them
Is this a new kind of avoidance? Blocking and escaping any new love possibility- or maybe I finally understand How much I value my solitude Maybe Iβm finally enjoying an inner peace and calm that comes with being alone Maybe Iβve finally learned I really am enough on my own
dating a soldier in not for the weak in these modern time especially now with a civil war and WW3 on the horizon our new love story could be cut short if heβs deployed Things can get complicated and messy if end up dehumanizing or ripping apart families like mine because its his job it makes me wonder if we were foolish in the throwing caution to the wind and getting into a relationship it makes me wonder if we have any chance of working out
compassion and hope appear in a phone call from my prima right before I give in to my hate and anger right before I let my rage control me and make it into a weapon of destruction she reminds me that this is not who I am and to choose forgiveness and empathy for those who hurts us for they donβt know what they do and I wonder if it was an intervention from God, the universe, reminding me that revenge and the wrath of my anger is not the answer and instead I should look to love and wisdom passed down from my ancestors for the confusion and frustration turned into rage that lies within me