I was never the marrying kind Don’t know why I forced myself into that line Maybe because of society’s expectations I made marriage my destination But it wasn’t really who I ever was Forever is not meant to be in my book of love But still I tried for seven years And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear I felt trapped in a cage of my own making Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking But it was never truly me Living this suburban reality And one day I wanted to sleep forever My mind collapsed from society’s pressure to continue this facade of being the perfect wife With my perfectly imperfect life My authenticity I had to put aside I’m a wife and mother of three There’s no such thing as being free But these were the lies I told myself The critic in me I learned to quell I learned I could be a mother but not a wife My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride There would no more anniversaries We were done with self imposed forgeries And a new chapter started with us One full of laughter, friendship and familial love
Apparently, here is another poem from the great breakup of 2021 that never got posted. I’ve also included the revision of it after the poem.
Solitude be like
I deserve better than some low class player I deserve a man who knows how to love not some boy that’s not enough I deserve respect not to be treated like an object I deserve honesty not someone who lies to me I deserve to be able to trust Not some asshole who’s out for lust I deserve to be happy and to not drown in misery I deserve a real man and not an ass from jerk land
2001
Worthy of My Energy
fuck the toxic love story I keep on repeating I refuse to be disrespected and objectified by another man who lies to me about love because he’s lonely and wants me in his bed I’m no longer a temporary bandaid for another confused man who doesn’t know what he wants and discards of me when I’m stop being easy from now on any man who wants to be with me will have to prove himself to be worthy of my energy
This is my response to prompt #15: the best kind of surprise
sometimes you have to say “fuck it”
Love surprises me with a glance, with a slight touch on my hand And 99.9 percent of me wants to run I don’t want to take a chance once again with my sanity but the romantic in me say “fuck it” maybe this will finally be a different story one where my lover doesn’t leave
Why did you break our romantic ties? What did she have to make you leave me suddenly? Why do I keep repeating the same stupid story, of finding myself the woman used and scorned? I’m fucking exhausted with rage always making the same mistake over and over again giving all of my myself to another confused man who leaves me when I’m no longer easy
The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:
I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.
I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:
I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.
I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.
The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:
Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.
Excited about what the 11th year of Blogging will bring
At 40, I feel like the ultimate Queen after losing layers and layers of my princess skin The broken princess I had to beat to finally feel enough and complete Friends and men full of duplicity Have no place in my world of authenticity I no longer wear my crown of guilt and shame It caused me too much emotional pain Instead I wear a crown of confidence and power being true to myself is my superpower Fuck anyone who thinks I’m too much or not enough You assholes were never deserving of my love I am the ultimate Queen and I’m finally making myself seen
I wrote this in December 2018 when my husband forgot our 8 year anniversary. Iguess I was a little salty and kind of still processing the breakup of our marriage.
December 9, 2010
He forgot our 8 year anniversary I didn’t remind him because it didn’t really matter. Hopefully, this time next year, we will be divorced. There was no use in feeling sad or spilling tears Over something that would end soon. There was no use in feeling devastated over Something that never should have happened. Vows that should never have been taken. Promises of love that were doomed from the beginning. Empty words that were never believed in. 8 years of marriage; an institution we thought would bind us for eternal life. So that maybe the sting of resentment and neglect wouldn’t break us apart. He forgot our 8 year anniversary Just like he forgot all of his promises to “Try harder” or “to change” So I wouldn’t leave. He forgot our 8 year anniversary. And it’s fine. You don’t celebrate something That is already dead.
Maybe I was too harsh with my words Frustrated with rejection and abandonment I was filled with anger and resentment that needed to bleed on paper Maybe I’ve been too much of a critic Cutting you down with petty words and insults Perhaps I was projecting my own insecurities Maybe I should have taken some of the blame of your unexpected departures I know I’m not an easy woman to be with often times I’m too emotional and needy And maybe, just maybe I forgive all of you and me We were all trying our best to love and be loved And sometimes even our best isn’t enough
De febrero a julio, he seguido manteniendo las habilidades de afrontamiento saludables que he adquirido en la terapia y he progresado aún más. Comencé la terapia DBT grupal en abril y eso también me ayudó enormemente. Escuchar a los miembros de ese grupo hablar sobre sus problemas me ha hecho ganar mucha perspectiva. También he tenido algunos obstáculos en el camino, por supuesto. En mayo, aumenté mi dosis en uno de mis medicamentos que terminó conmigo teniendo un episodio depresivo mayor.
Un año después, puedo decir honestamente que he tenido éxito en el manejo de mis emociones de una manera mucho mejor y más saludable. Mi crecimiento ha sido fenomenal en muchas áreas de mi vida debido a mi arduo trabajo. He tenido un apoyo increíble de mis terapeutas, proveedores médicos, amigos y familiares que me han ayudado a facilitar mi crecimiento alentándome y dándome el espacio para ser quien necesitaba ser en diferentes partes de este proceso. A veces eso era un completo desastre emocional, a veces era una poeta enojada, a veces era una madre acogedora o una compañera de trabajo malhumorada. También he simplificado mi vida al dejar ir cualquier cosa que no me sirve y para mí eso ha sido algo parecido al romance. No es que haya renunciado al amor romántico por decir, es solo que en este momento no tiene un lugar en mi vida. Mi vida está llena con trabajo, mis hijos, amigos, familia y escribir, y esta es la combinación correcta para mantener mi estabilidad emocional. He aprendido a priorizar mi salud mental por encima de todo lo demás porque las consecuencias para mí y para todos son demasiado grandes para que no lo haga.
No estoy completamente donde quiero estar porque tengo dos áreas con las que todavía tengo problemas:
Apegarme a mis límites, especialmente cuando siento la presión de otros para plegarme a su voluntad y deseos.
-mis distorsiones cognitivas que incluyen el pensamiento en blanco y negro y el pensamiento en absolutos
He vivido con estas distorsiones cognitivas desde que tengo memoria, y ha sido muy difícil romper estos patrones de pensamiento poco saludables, pero estoy trabajando en ello.
Wow, no pensé que tendría tanto que decir en esta publicación de blog. Hay mucho más que decir sobre esto, pero lo guardaré para más adelante a lo largo de este año.
Para concluir lo que se siente como la publicación de blog más larga de la historia, aquí hay algunos pensamientos:
Estar aquí, en un lugar donde estoy realmente feliz y contenta conmigo misma y con mi vida se siente increíble y surrealista. No tener episodios depresivos mayores cada dos semanas en los que estoy atrapada en esta rutina de miseria se siente como un tipo de libertad que no puedo describir. Manejar emociones duras como la ira y la tristeza sin que afecten toda mi semana o todo mi día es algo que siempre sentí que era imposible hasta ahora.
Y aunque estoy agradecida por todos los que han sido útiles en este año, siento la mayor gratitud por mí misma y por mi determinación y resiliencia. Siempre me había conocido a mí misma, pero este año finalmente comencé a entenderme y finalmente sentí una sensación de libertad para ser quien realmente quien soy sin la necesidad de filtrar las partes locas o difíciles que me hacen una humana complicada e imperfecta.
Un año después, ya no permito que la vida me suceda a mí o vivo con una inmensa necesidad de validación de los demás. Ahora soy una persona que vive una vida con intención y propósito para mi propio mejoramiento.
You left me in an eternal darkness Without any compassion, without any humanity You caused me an infinite pain with your malicious and false ways You left me in a world of insecurity How can I trust ever again? But I promise you thing you’ll remember me After our painful parting You had it all with me And now there’s no way To recover my love With a unique and ardent warmth
Fui bruta y me queme No queria creer Que ibas a ser otra decepción Aunque había muchas señas Mi corazón se rehusó a resignarse No quería concebir en la noción que tu amor era una desilusión ahora me siento inutil a ver el mal que me hiciste se que estará mucho mejor sin ti Aunque sea imposible dejarte Es adios para siempre Al ver que tu amor fue otra mentira más
Life on the BPD 