I wrote this in January of 2022 when I was depressed.
I welcome death to take me away tonight-
death must be better than the anger
that has made an eternal home in me
death must feel better than this emptiness
that lies in my heart
death has to be better than this sorrow
that floods my pillow with tears continuously
death would be better than my emotions
that threaten to consume me
I wrote this poem in 2019 when I found out my friend Brad had lied to me for a decade about something pretty important.
17 years of friendship ruined
Because of one lie
One lie turned into a decade
Of lying to ME–
His supposed close friend
ME
A girl he supposedly loved and cared for
ME
The one he claimed meant a lot to him
But he couldn’t come clean
With his truth
He couldn’t man up and be honest
Instead he lied and lied and lied
Until
The lie came out 10 years too late
I’m overreacting, he says
But friendship like I know friendship
Is not built on a foundation of
Lies, betrayal, and mistrust
Fuck off,
Glad you’re gone,
Good riddance,
Hope you remember the words of anger
I wrote to you
And you keep your promise
To never contact me again.
This was my response to prompt #23: What’s you’d really like to do tomorrow
Tomorrow I’d like to swim for the first time in my former paradise
and after lay out in the sun in my bikini
I’ve loved feel the sand everywhere instead of tolerating
another dreary and rainy day in Georgia
My mood would improve and I would write more happy poems
Instead of writing about how I hate my existence
and everyone and everything in it
Aqui esta en enlace para la version en Espanol:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/22/poesia-dime/
Why did you break our romantic ties?
What did she have to make you leave me suddenly?
Why do I keep repeating the same stupid story,
of finding myself the woman used and scorned?
I’m fucking exhausted with rage
always making the same mistake over and over again
giving all of my myself to another confused man
who leaves me when I’m no longer easy
This is my response to prompt #16: Your favorite household chore
Springtime is here, it’s my favorite time of the year
I blast out music from Alexa and start de-cluttering
Anais Nin books I’ll never read go into the donation box
her life no longer inspires me
Dresses and outfits I wore to my trauma
are packed in a suitcase destined for Lima
Dozens of therapy sheets are recycled
I finally found calm and serenity
Springtime is here and it’s to get rid of everything
that no longer fits this new version of me
This is my response to prompt #10: One thing you could not give up
You might as well do radical lobotomy
before you make me give up writing
You’d be asking me to give up
one of the things I most love–
my creativity with poetry and prose
brings me purpose and meaning on my good days
and helps me stay alive on my bad days
so if you ever ask me to give up my paper and pen
Understand you’d be asking for my slow death
Click the link below for the English Version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/10/16/poetry-losing-my-mind/
Recibir esa llamada infame
mato mi calma e ego
descubriendo que había sido engañada
por el que me profesaba amor
Me hizo perder mi cordura
¿cómo pudiste hacerme esto?
Fuistes otro desastre
lleno de duplicidad
te odio con todo mi corazón
por destrozar todo lo que éramos
I wrote this in December 2018 when my husband forgot our 8 year anniversary. I guess I was a little salty and kind of still processing the breakup of our marriage.
He forgot our 8 year anniversary
I didn’t remind him because it didn’t really matter.
Hopefully, this time next year, we will be divorced.
There was no use in feeling sad or spilling tears
Over something that would end soon.
There was no use in feeling devastated over
Something that never should have happened.
Vows that should never have been taken.
Promises of love that were doomed from the beginning.
Empty words that were never believed in.
8 years of marriage; an institution we thought
would bind us for eternal life.
So that maybe the sting of resentment and neglect
wouldn’t break us apart.
He forgot our 8 year anniversary
Just like he forgot all of his promises to
“Try harder” or “to change”
So I wouldn’t leave.
He forgot our 8 year anniversary.
And it’s fine.
You don’t celebrate something
That is already dead.
Para la version en Espanol, haga clic en este enlace:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/10/poesia-yo-pense/
I thought nothing could ruin our love
now everything we once were is lost
because once again I was wrong, wrong, wrong
I wasn’t aware of your secret lust filled missions
you’re another confused boy
and to you I was another toy
You were another tourist
in my book of love and lust
Here is the English version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/27/eliza-conquers-liars-poetry-edition/
Fui bruta y me queme
No queria creer
Que ibas a ser otra decepción
Aunque había muchas señas
Mi corazón se rehusó a resignarse
No quería concebir en la noción
que tu amor era una desilusión
ahora me siento inutil
a ver el mal que me hiciste
se que estará mucho mejor sin ti
Aunque sea imposible dejarte
Es adios para siempre
Al ver que tu amor fue otra mentira más
I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression.
The sun is shining
Everything is green and bright
And yet winter feels eternal
In my heart
The blackness that is my sadness
Seems to seep and ooze everywhere
Inside of me
Is this what true loneliness feels like?
Will I ever get rid of what feels like
my forever depression?
Or do I just learn to live
with the elephant that
lives on my chest?
That I try desperate not to awake
Writing, exercise, friends, tv-
Everything to keep it calm
But no matter what
The elephant always seems
To wake up
I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression.
I want to write about love
But instead find myself
Writing about depression and loss
Everything feels so vague and fake
I don’t know what or who’s
Real anymore
Is it existential dread
Or a midlife crises
Or a mixture of both?
Living in a world rampant
With comparisons
With the click of a button
Tears at my soul
Thanks to the ridiculous
And never ending standards
Modern society thrusts upon us.
It’s all a constant competition
About who has the best life
Have we all become society’s
Attention whores?
So I had forgotten to post this poem from the great breakup of 2001.
I guess it was fate
For you to cross that thin line
Between love and hate
You were really a waste of time
Now you’ll never know
How good you and me could’ve been
Or how much I really loved you so
But your love was only a smoke screen
I even thought we had forever
because I wanted to believe you were true
but I guess you were another whatever
and I was another one you’d screw
Now there’s nothing left to say
and it’s time to forget everything
I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression. I guess I was just annoyed and angry by society.
Simple decency is becoming extinct
Manners and politeness is rare
rudeness and sarcasm is the norm
Being kind feels outdated
in this narcissistic society
filled with superfluous and superficial people
Who bring their harsh and shallow attitudes
everywhere
There is no escape from this epidemic
of the nothingness
that tries to appear profound
It is a society that blames the victim
“ but what was she wearing?”
or
“He was hanging out with the wrong kids”
It is a society that’s prejudiced against
anyone different
“Go back to where you came from”
“You’ll never belong here”
“People will always remember
how you made them feel”,
Maya Angelou said
Unnecessary, weak, aloof, isolated alone
Is how this world makes me feel
I’m a FAILURE trying to accommodate myself
to this world full of shallow feelings
I miss the kind and real people
in this world
It’s rare to find them now
They are almost extinct
I wrote this poem sometime around 2014 or 2015. I was feeling nostalgic about a former flame I had been obsessed with. This tends to happen a lot with me. Letting go of my past is hard at times.
Shadows of my past
Envelop my future
Everywhere I go
Time has passed
I am older
Harsh experiences
Have made my cynical
And embrace
My mediocrity
But still
Shadows of the past
Envelop my future
Everywhere i go
I’m happy that you found
Your idyllic happiness
With someone else
And living the life
You always wanted
But shadows of our past
Envelop my future
Everywhere I go
I love my children
I love my spouse
But for one more moment
Of us
I would leave them
And everything else behind
Shadows of our past
Envelops my future
Everywhere I go
Life on the BPD 