Poetry: Merry Go Round of Fuckery
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 about C when we were on another break. Thinking back on this period in my life when I would get so mad about him ghosting again and again and going back to him again and again feels so strange now. I don’t feel like the same person that wrote this.
We’re back here once again
You ghost, you ignore, you abandon
And I beg you to come back
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
I’m mad,I’m sad, I’m done
I’m finally almost recovered
From you-
Trying to forget you, mourning you,
Accepting you’re gone –
And then a text from you
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
Crying, writing, running
Each day it gets easier
Learning to forget you
But then, a “how are you”
Appears on my phone
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
Will you ever go away?
Am I always going to be this insane?
When will I get off from
Our merry go round of fuckery?
Share this:
Poetry: My Bad Habit
I wrote this about C. in the late summer of 2020 after we were yet on another break. I guess the sex really made me obsess over him.
I can’t turn my body off
From wanting you
Even if you make my heart blue
You take up space in my brain
Even when you bring me so much pain
Why does lust make me so blind?
You are my obsession
Even after your devastation
You show up in my dreams
I wish you didn’t exist
I wish there was a spell
To forget how you made me melt
I’m sure that time
Will make your memory fade
And will time
make me heal from
The experience of you
I just wish that time
Would speed up so that
You were only a distant memory
That I already learned to forget
Share this:
Poetry: Another Girl
I wrote this in 2001 after experiencing a really bad break up. Break ups tend not just break my heart but also make question my self worth. It’s really hard for me to get over someone especially if I get super attached to that person. In this case, I had been with the dude for like 2 months and I guess thought that maybe he was “the one”. Well that wasn’t the case when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. At least it inspired dozens and dozens of poems. Lol.
You make me feel like shit
and it’s breaking me bit by bit
I don’t know what to do
Knowing you love someone new
I feel so helpless
I’ve become such a big mess
and now seeing you and her
I see now that I was just another girl
Share this:
Poetry: Independence Day (a love poem)
I wrote this poem in the summer of 2019 when C had ghosted me for the millionth time and I thought that I was finally done with him and I was determined not to go back with him. Of course, that wouldn’t be the case. This relates to one of my BPD traits which is fear of abandonment. I think one of the reasons I kept letting him come back.
I’m finally free
Of the spell
You have over me
I’m finally free
Of the butterflies
I felt when I saw your text
I’m no longer blinded
By your callous ways
I will no longer tolerate
Your undercover mistreatment
I can no longer be part of
My continuing self destruction
I’ve learned to stay away
From the intensity of your gaze
I’ve learned to love myself enough
To stop holding on to your false love
I’ve learned to stop ruining my life..
Because of our connection?
Our chemistry?
Nah, it’s just bomb ass sex.
I’ve learned that my self worth
Can’t be tied to you, my toxic lover
My self worth
Is tied into my self love
Into loving the best parts
And the worst parts of me
But most of all I’ve learned
That no amount of orgasms
Or passionate kisses
Or sparks
Are worth me agonizing
Once again
If I’m good enough
Share this:
Poetry: Don’t
I wrote this poem 2002 and it was yet another poem inspired by the bio dad of my oldest child. For many years. I had so much unresolved rage and anger about how he abandoned my son and used poetry as a way to process it.
Don’t even try to understand me
You don’t even know me
I was born with your DNA
But to you, I have nothing to say
I once was a babe, a boy
And now a man
Don’t pretend to give a damn
I’ve done grown up to become
A man unlike you that doesn’t run
No thanks to you “Dad”
You left when I was a mere lad
So please go on on your way
I can’t stand the sight of you
Another day
Share this:
Poesia: Te Amo
Escribí este poema después de que tuve una disolución desastrosa en el 2001. Soy bien dramática cuando una relación amorosa acaba.
Te Amo
Pero te odio
Te extraño
Pero me olvido
Te deseo
Pero tu amor es feo
Te quisiera tener aquí
Pero tu me haces sufrir
Te quisiera besar
Pero me mandas al fondo del mar
Te quiero conmigo
Pero tu eres frío
Te guardo en mi corazón
Pero contigo pierdo la razón
Share this:
Story: The Ocean
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 when Mr.Toxic had once again ghosted me. I think so much of me was obsessed with him because of the chaos he brought into my life. Also, even though I hate to admit it, he brought so much inspiration to my life that I ended up writing over 50 pages of poetry/ mini stories about him. He was my muse for a while and I think I became addicted to him.
There once was a girl and she fell in love with the ocean. The ocean engulfed her with its salt smell, and the warmth of the water on late nights. The girl swam and swam, deeper and deeper into the ocean-loving it more each day. One day the ocean got tired of the girl and decided to make the biggest wave to throw her back to the land. When the girl woke on land, she was disoriented, confused, lost and hurt. She wondered if her late night swims had been a beautiful and hopeless dream. So a few weeks went by and the girl returned to her normal reality of her every day . She went through her normal routine even though her heart hurt-she slowly recovered from the crash of the ocean and just as she was almost to her normal self. The ocean decided to call her back again. At first, she couldn’t believe it-she thought her ears were deceiving her-but it was clear that the ocean wanted her to swim in it again-for whatever reason. The girl felt special and lucky and even though she was hesitant -she swam again in the ocean. This time -it was deeper and more intense. She felt at one with the ocean. She felt honored to learn all of its secrets and was completely enthralled by it. She was finally beginning to feel safe and so vulnerable she started to float and let the ocean carry her. All of a sudden the ocean got tired and threw her again-this time the crash was way more devastating . It felt like she couldn’t breathe at times. She knew that she should deal better since this had happened once before but this time she cried more than ever. She felt worthless and used in every sense of the word. She wondered what sin she had committed that the universe had handed her such unimaginable and tremendous pain. It was hard this time to get back to normalcy. It was hard for her to go about her day and not burst into tears because her poor heart would spasm when something brought back the memory of the ocean. And then the process repeated itself a few more times. It was more exhausting and devastating each time. It’s like she couldn’t learn and see how damaging the ocean was to her soul. Finally there was a time where it was so brutal the girl finally learned to tune out the ocean’s song and she never swam again.
Share this:
Playlist: For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry)
This playlist that I will share is titled: “For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry). I don’t handle breakups very well. Actually, I handle them poorly and go kind of nuts. Music helps me cope with the multitude of emotions I have. This playlist is the kind of playlist you play out loud in your car or at home with your headphones as you write mediocre and sad poetry. This playlist is based on the disastrous and heart wrenching breakups I’ve had throughout my life. These are songs I go to when I’m feeling numb or the waves of sadness come. I’ve put in bold the ones that I like to put on repeat.
1.Wrong Direction-Hailee Steinfeld
2.Someone You Loved-Lewis Capaldi
3.Rest Stop-Matchbox 20
4.Dangerously- Charlie Puth
5.Don’t Speak-No Doubt
6.Goodbye to You-Michelle Branch
7.Stone Cold- Demi Lovato
8.Lose You to Love Me-Selena Gomez
9.Too Much to Ask- Niall Horan
10.River of Tears- Alessia Cara
11.The Night We Met- Lord Huron
12.What a Time-Niall Horan with Julia Michaels
13.White Flag- Dido
14.Consequences- Camila Cabello
15.I Have Nothing-Whitney Houston
16.I’m Going Down-Mary J.Blige
17.It Must Have Been Love- Roxette
18.Another Sad Love Song- Toni Braxton
19.Hello- Adele
20.Breakdown- Mariah Carey
Below are links for your listening pleasure:
Share this:
Childhood Memory: 1986
I was standing on one side of a closed door and I heard a conversation that I will never forget. I remember being five years old and running such a high fever that my vision started to get blurry and I had a massive headache. I remember the loud whispering between my parents. My father wanted to take me to the hospital, my mother argued they couldn’t because it was too much money. It was something that my newly arrived immigrant family could not afford. I remember that was the first time I felt something extremely heavy within me. I didn’t know then what it was but it would be the first time of many times I would feel that guilt of being a burden to my parents. Eventually it would turn into a certain type of guilt that made me swallow words and feelings so I wouldn’t inconvenience anyone. I have carried this guilt within me throughout since I can remember.This is a quiet BPD trait. This trait would lead me to becoming a people pleaser later on in life. As I have gotten older, I’ve gotten more aware of this and have become more assertive in making my needs known and met. I’m still not where I want to be but at least I’m way better than I use to be.
Below are a couple of links about Quiet BPD:
https://themighty.com/2018/12/quiet-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-signs-child/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202107/what-is-quiet-bpd
Share this:
Poetry : I Hate to Whine
I wrote this poem in 2001 after a really horrible breakup with the second “S” who cheated on me with ex wife the entire time he was with me. Needless to say, I was super angry about this and being the 20 year old I was at that time included lots of cringy cliches in this poem. The upside to this that at least I didn’t go slash his tires. Lol.
I hate to whine
but you were a waste of time
I didn’t think you were such a creep
and that I could feel a heartache so deep
It’s a profound and constant pain
Your devious face is etched in my brain
I hate to whine
but I was looking for a sign
That you were my soulmate
Not someone who’d fill me with hate
That you were the man of my dreams
Not another man who’d break my sanity’s seams
