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Poetry:Childhood Lies

I wrote this in 2003 reflecting on the immigration of me and my family. The first six year we were in the United States was a nightmare. I’m not sure how much I will share of my immigration story because of all the trauma involved.

Cuzco, Peru -Christmas of “85, I’m the one in the pigtails

I was five at the time
when my parents lied
they said it was going to be great
our brand new fate
we were going away
so we could be safe
we weren’t exactly prepared for
the horrors we would endure
the hardships and struggles
the wonder of it all
why did they persuade us
in them we lost our trust
now we’ll never again believe
what they want us to see

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Poetry: So Many Things

I wrote this in March of 2004 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas.

So many things left unsaid 

the day you decided to get away

So much left undone 

Because I was no longer fun

So many tears I had cried 

Asking myself a thousand whys?

Why did you leave?

I thought we were a perfect fit.

What was wrong with us?

That made you leave in a rush

Why did you break my heart?

by pulling us apart

And why didn’t you love me so?

It’s excruciating to let you go

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Poetry: Our Spot

I wrote this in February of 2004 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas.

I sit here at what once was our “spot”

and contemplate our last conversation

And I think over and over again how that last phrase got to 

“Me and my wife had a long talk-and we decided to work things out”

I know I should have been happy but I was sad

I know I should’ve smiled but instead I cried

Of course I hid this very well from you

And the few words I could muster up was

“Well that’s good, I’m happy for you”

And I wonder why when I should’ve been happy for you, my friend

But I was sad for me

I sit down and wonder why

I always end up with the same lost guy

Who doesn’t know what he wants and hurts me tons

Who uses me just as an escape 

to get away from his mate

Who never wants to tell me I love you

and thinks of me as anything but the one

who never cares after our tragic love affair fails

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Poetry: Last Week

I wrote this in February of 2004 after my car accident after I was feeling lost and deep sense of despair and worthlessness. It was a trauma that would affect me for many years to come. I’ll tell the story of the accident one day when I’m ready to.

Last week I was where I needed to be

Today I am lost again with no sense of who I am

Or where I want to go

They tell me I’m a mother, daughter, coworker, 

Student, sister, and girlfriend

But I don’t seem be right fit into any of those roles

So can somebody instruct me

on how to get to where I once was 

Or more importantly on how to be happy just to be me

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Poetry: Lost

I wrote this shortly in February of 2004 shortly after my car accident. I was feeling so much depression and anxiety because of it.

I feel so lost

without sense of direction

So many feelings of frustration

over my life’s woes

Feelings of rejection

by the ones who once loved me

Feelings of anger

for never doing anything right

Where can I find the shining light

that I desperately seek?

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Poesia: El Pasado

Escribi este poema en Marzo de 2003 cuando estuve visitando Hawaii y pensaba en mi pasado.

A veces es asi

Estoy en el mismo lugar

donde era una adolecente inmadura,

Impulsiva, e insegura

pero ahora soy otra

Una que piensa antes de arriesgar

una que mirar antes de pisar

Una que trata de olvidar

Antes de contemplar todo 

lo que no fue de su vida

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Poetry: False Fairy Tale

So I wrote this poem in January of 2004 when I was dating my husband and maybe I was foreshadowing my future with him (sort of-haha). I think that maybe I was paranoid he had someone else at the time because he was such a private person. Reflecting on this now is kind of strange because I was the one that ended up with the indiscretions. I was 22 when I wrote this and I have I think that this is a good example of “splitting” meaning that I went to black and white thinking about him.

FALSE FAIRY TALE

Everyone believes that you and I 

 are the real deal

That we are perfect

  and don’t have issues

Little do they know

  that you treat me with no worth

That to you

  I am not your only girl

That I close my eyes and ears

  and  deny to myself the fact

That your indiscretions are real

  that  you just used me as a tool

To have everyone fooled

  That you have the perfect wife

And you are the perfect husband 

  but  I am too tired of this

False fairy tale

  I have to get out of this lie

Before I lose what’s important

  for  the sake of your arrogance

So tonight I leave our once “happy” home

  so  I won’t lose 

All that’s left of me

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Poetry: Puppet

I wrote this in January of 2004 when things were good with my husband but I was already having lots of anxiety about our relationship.

Why couldn’t he see 

that him and I were meant to be?

Why couldn’t he say

that I was more than part 

of his wild phase?

Why couldn’t I be all he wanted

instead of sending my heart 

to its deathbed?

I will never love again!

Why couldn’t I see right through him-

Instead I let him pull me like a puppet

on a string

Why couldn’t he see that me and him

would make sense as a we?