the future of me is not written yet I have to understand that all I can do is write for her who will still question her existence or why things happened the way they did or what the fuck happened to her I know myself too well it doesn’t matter how far I’m in my self discovery journey I’ll always have questions Its my insatiable curiosity I can only hope that the future me has leaned into self love More than ever before and still understands she and her kids are her top priorities Anyone else is expendable in her little universe of love
the breakup was always a larger than life event in my mind because of the catastrophic pain it caused because it was someone I thought could be my forever so when he gave me the electronic pink slip I used it as a catalyst for change I broke away with my idea of what made me attractive and accessible to men, and instead, I focused on what made me feel good about myself and learned to accept myself as the complicated and crazy woman that I am I finally understood I was always a Queen Underneath layers of princess skin Armed myself with poetry and confidence that breakup changed me like previous breakups did however, this one was the key to the transformation I needed to become the woman I was always meant to be
I bet all of my female ancestors still remember their third of december
abandonment wounds run deep in my bloodline I’ve lost count of how many woman in my family whose lovers absconded, who’s lovers left them for their own version of Heather- maybe this explains my epic overreaction every time a lover absconded their departure triggers trauma in my DNA from the abandoned women ancestors before me
this day inspired a poem titled, “My Last Heather Moment”
It’s the 3rd of December and that means it’s Heather Day! What exactly is “Heather Day”? It’s a lyrical reference to the Conan Gray song “Heather” which talks about unrequited love and his crush choosing some girl named Heather over him which is terrible because I still can’t imagine anyone choosing someone else over Conan Fucking Gray, the most beautiful man ALIVE! So the first time I heard Heather was around November of 2022 and in a few short weeks, I became obsessed with this song. I think my kids unintentionally know the lyrics because of how many times they’ve heard it. I’ve written poetry inspired by this song and read that poetry at open mic. I’ve posed in pictures inspired by the video of the song. I’ve blasted that song from my car at various times and have always sung it out loud when it would play over the loudspeakers at my second job.
Needless to say, I have a deep relationship with that song. I know that it’s because at various stages in my life, I’ve been dumped by my exes for someone else, my crush has chosen someone else over me, or in one instance, the guy I was kind of seeing brought the other girl to an event we were both at and he thought it was fine while I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathroom (that’s another blog post). Before I listened to Heather , I didn’t know what to call these gut wrenching moments but after “Heather” I call these moments “Heather Moments”. And I’m sure there are other people, who’ve had similar experiences and their own “Heather Moments” and so I made a playlist inspired by “Heather” with songs with a similar feel. I actually have a deep connection to every single one of these songs and have even seen a few of them performed live. Yes, I saw Heather performed live and it was the happiest 4 minutes of my life! Anyways, here’s my playlist along with a few of the poems inspired by the song Heather. Fun Fact about some of these songs: 1) I was obsessed with “Can’t Let Go” when I was 10 and my crush wouldn’t notice me. 2) Look Away was on repeat in my CD Player when I broke up with my ex at 15 and it wasn’t a week before he went out with that girl he told me “I shouldn’t worry about” 3) One of the first songs I learned to play on the keyboard when I was 13 was “Words Get in the Way” 4) This is probably the most embarrassing fact but I crashed into the pole at work while I was blasting “Traitor” from my car. And 5) I was obsessed with the song “Silver Springs” this year and had it on repeat and even translated it into Spanish to see how it sounded. Also, I’ve included link via spotify and youtube for your listening pleasure.
I WISH I WERE HEATHER playlist:
Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift
Can’t Let Go-Mariah Carey
Checkmate- Conan Gray
Coincidence-Sabrina Carpenter Dancing on my Own-Tove Lo Deja Vu- Olivia Rodrigo
Driver’s License- Olivia Rodrigo
Glimpse of Us- Joji
Good Enough-Maisie Peters
Heather- Conan Gray
John Hughes Movie- Maisie Peters Lacy- Olivia Rodrigo
Lookalike- Conan Gray
Look Away- Chicago
Lost the Breakup- Maisie Peters
Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD
Movies- Conan Gray
Objection-Shakira
Opposite- Sabrina Carpenter
She’s All I Wanna Be- Tate McRae
Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
Slow Dancing in the Dark- Joji 24.Taste- Sabrina Carpenter
abuela Gaby sends me hints that she wants her story to be told but I can barely remember her she tells me to still try with the bits I have I ask her for patience I want to get it right, I want to do her story justice she tells me, “hemos vivido vidas paralelas” las palabras te vendrán fácilmente pronto” and adds, “es como vas a sanar, es como empiezas a entenderte” and I don’t understand what it means, I don’t understand her interest in me now and how I became a messenger of her story, “ni siquiera pensé que me querías Abuela, you always pulled my hair” and she replies, “es que era duro ver nacer y crecer a alguien que se parecía tanto a mi, me traía demasiados sentimientos encontrados, porque sabía que tu espiritu seria difícil de dominar” and while I try my best to comprehend what she tells me – it’s hard to wrap my head around her message and all of the conflicting stories about her from my family so I’m going to make it a point to find out her story through her letters and pictures- abuela, I want to do your story justice I can’t rush through this yours is one of the most important stories I’ll share in my lifetime
Is it really so bad to assist others in ending their lives? couldn’t it be seen as a final act of love? to help them die with dignity and on their own terms without machines and tubes delaying the inevitable without anyone’s say over the little autonomy they still have left
I had to give up a lot of fun things in my life to get to integration an alcohol dependency, a shopping addiction, Relationships and sex- and the last thing was energy drinks This was all for me to become the mom my kids always deserved it was needed for me to meet my higher self who makes decisions with compassion and love Instead of out of ego It was needed for me to start living in the most authentic way possible and while I could dwell on all of the fun things I lost I now look at it as a blessing needed for clarity and to make space for this new version of me who no longer hides her jagged edges for the comfort of others Who loves who she is and no longer Wants to be anyone else Who finds peace in solitude and is no longer scared of it my integration of self costs me many things I was addicted to but it was worth it for the woman I am today for the beautiful life I’m currently living
I wasted too much time in comparing myself to other women and blaming them when my exes chose them and allowed my jealousy and rage to speak for me Never understanding how they were all just innocent bystanders in my complicated and chaotic love stories I’m sorry, I didn’t know any better and I wasn’t mature enough to take accountability and it was easier to use y’all as scapegoats when I lost war after war of love- It was easier to say you won because I wasn’t educated and white like you In reality, I should’ve used my ammunition only towards my exes It was never y’alls fight to be a part of even if some of them used y’all as an excuse for their departure I’m so sorry, anna, david’s ex-wife, my ex metamours, maybe my message will come to you in a dream or you’ll see this poem in my blog one day and be able to forgive me
I was in distress the other night but I wasn’t the damsel who needed to be saved I was a friend who needed a friend and maybe I was expecting too much but you could have done better than some two word awkward text as I was breaking down in the diner
I cry over my fries while I write nonsense because nothing makes sense I’ve worked so hard to change my narrative of mental illness so hard to create a new story of strength and resilience where I’m the heroine but tragically I’m a falling victim again to depression, anxiety, BPD, and whatever the fuck else it is wrong with me and I wish to make myself small enough to disappear into a mist of nothingness because lately it hurts too much to exists
I sought solace in friends last night and everyone was busy or asleep so I cried hysterically in the middle of the street, and then in the diner over my fries, and finally in my uber ride Strangers kept asking me if I was okay one even offered me a ride even in my worst moments of crises, I always find a way to survive even when I’m in the thick fog of a mental breakdown I know now how to take care of myself and keep myself safe maybe that was the lesson the universe sent last night even in my most hopeless of times I will always find a way to survive and eventually be okay
my heart is full of what ifs? What if it works out? What if I’m not as dumb as I think I am? What If I stop listening to the voices in my head that taunt me-telling me I’m not good enough? What if I’m brave enough today and chase my dreams despite my haters and my inner critic?
2014 me in the blue hoodie-2023 me in the red dress,
The ME from June of 2014 sends me a message asking, where are you? I tell her, life didn’t go as planned-you’re divorced and looking for a place for your ex but your kids are thriving-your oldest son has his driver’s license and is on his last semester of college Your middle son will graduate from high school this year- and your baby is now taller than you and becoming his own person You’re working 2 jobs and you’re a citizen now and you’ve been to therapy to learn healthier coping mechanisms- you even drive now-you’re independent as fuck and live life on your own terms you’ve even been to Peru twice- You’re learning to follow your intuition and how use discernment in your choices in how you live your life- you’ve discovered your values underneath everything society brainwashed into you and at the end of the day all you want be is a good mom and a good person that’s the extent of your life’s purpose- now that we know who we are our next step is to plan the future we want- we’ll keep on thriving girl-you were the go getter and determined woman in me Even among one of my greatest depressions You still got up and followed your passions- And you laid the foundation-we’ll be okay-I promise I’ll make you proud of me- Love patty
to reach the next level of my life I need to stand firm in alignment with my values I need to be brave and take the necessary steps for my full autonomy even if it’s painful, even if I start to question the process the end result will be the betterment for me and my sons, a life full of purpose a life where I’m no longer attached to anything and anyone who held me back from reaching my potential
