I pay tribute to the women who came before me women who sacrificed so my parents could exist my mami who had to leave behind her culture, traditions, and language to give me a better life to make sure I grow up safe and well educated and taught me what strength and resilience means as she worked long days to make ends meet as she showed initiative to move our family forward and with her example I was able to follow it except I change it up some to live a life full of love, community and creativity
always restless and wild from the start nothing could contain me or dim my spark leg braces, overprotective parents it didn’t matter I always found a way to make trouble, to investigate, always too curious for my own good and too dramatic and emotional for mostly everyone always good at making people uncomfortable sometimes it’s a curse, sometimes it’s a blessing can’t change this part of myself I have, am and will always be like this
at 17, the pregnant bride to be got a telegram from her groom sorry, but I’m betrothed to another and am getting married at gun point maybe it was the heavy feeling of rage or her aries nature and hormones the jilted bride with a silent fury went to her closet and took out her ostentatiously beaded wedding dress and with matches in her hand she went outside and set fire to it in front of the family home one of the younger siblings saw the insanity as the bride stared at it mesmerized by fire that grew and grew she walked towards it all sense of reality gone from her not hearing the screams from her abuela who ran towards her and just before the bride step foot in the fire la abuela shook her and slapped her across the face until the bride reacted, let out a loud wail heard across the farmland and fainted
a wave of nostalgia hits me and I almost drown in memories it takes everything in me to stay grounded in my present it takes everything in me to not allow my trauma to cloud the life I’m currently trying to build
before I knew who I was I used to be oh so charming to men always agreeing with them, mirroring their interests, stroking their egos and other things and giving them easy access to me I never used much discernment in this my standard were 3000 leagues under the sea So I allowed any mediocre joe who showed me the least bit of attention into my universe and I allowed this to happen for 26 years making myself fodder for these mediocre and insecure joes who left the minute I show then a bit of the fire I held within and everytime they left, I was destroyed and like a tarot’s fool I keep repeating this nonsense until a few years ago, I had enough when the last of the joes said I was too much for him and it was the final straw that broke my romantic girl spirit for a while I was touch and go with my sanity but I rose and rose like the Peruvian diosa I had always been and in horror I realized laying in bed with mediocrity only damaged me, it was time to change this narrative and slowly I recovered from the latest love tragedy and starting writing my own love story one where alone I’m enough and the protagonist and never again have to tone down who I am or hide the fire and magic that resides in me
the sky fell on me on that tuesday morning when you ended me with a 5 minute phone call for weeks I cried on the carpet until I fell asleep for weeks I wanted to fade away into an abyss of nothingness and even though it’s been almost decade I still think about that Tuesday morning the morning I lost the small piece of innocence I had left
she’s gone to the other side leaving us in a state of mourning no tears, no words soften the emotional blow can’t take back how we took her for granted and now anger, regret, and remorse becomes who we are until we accept the passage of time is our biggest ally in healing from her absence
take me on a tour of your utopia the one you always talk about the one where mental illness doesn’t exist and we all go to sleep without the need of meds and sleepytime tea the one where everyone is respected and being different is celebrated and not used as fodder for insults or war
blankness spills across her pretty face no distinction between her and the marble her hands and feet are still watches herself say the right words and make the appropriate gestures nothing makes sense in this moment rage burns inside of her she smiles and nods politely as they talk about the weather
aol chatrooms serves her purpose for attention and validation slowly Lacy become a love junkie with a combo of low self worth and undiagnosed mental illness she never feels like she’s enough so she uses her beauty and her body to search of wholeness no one thinks to stop her or monitor what she’s doing online has plenty of dates with strange men in parking lots at 16, she feels on top of the world sneaking hits of lust After school and on weekends using her friends to cover for her never thinking of the consequences and always living for the moment
hope is found in a lucid dream- It’s a whisper reminding me, “it won’t always be like this” it’s my abuela telling me “tu vida apenas está comenzando” and I wake from the fog of existential dread I’ve been feeling lately-
I drank the last drop of the wine you gave me as I sing out my guts to lyrics that reminds me of you the worst of my ideas, the worst of my crimes I drank the last drop of the wine you gave me hoping that this is the last bit of closure I need from you and that from now on we’ll both live our lives free and clear of each other and soon you both fade into the background of my memory and soon you stop showing up in my dreams
Universe, send me a silver lining send me a sign, send me a message things will be alright lately everything feels so awry lately May feels like the longest month of my life lately everything feels like chaos and darkness I can’t seem to get rid off And lately I’m afraid I’m about to lose my mind
the future of me is not written yet I have to understand that all I can do is write for her who will still question her existence or why things happened the way they did or what the fuck happened to her I know myself too well it doesn’t matter how far I’m in my self discovery journey I’ll always have questions Its my insatiable curiosity I can only hope that the future me has leaned into self love More than ever before and still understands she and her kids are her top priorities Anyone else is expendable in her little universe of love
the breakup was always a larger than life event in my mind because of the catastrophic pain it caused because it was someone I thought could be my forever so when he gave me the electronic pink slip I used it as a catalyst for change I broke away with my idea of what made me attractive and accessible to men, and instead, I focused on what made me feel good about myself and learned to accept myself as the complicated and crazy woman that I am I finally understood I was always a Queen Underneath layers of princess skin Armed myself with poetry and confidence that breakup changed me like previous breakups did however, this one was the key to the transformation I needed to become the woman I was always meant to be
Life on the BPD 