me on New Year’s Eve manifesting a year of calm and peace
Another new year, and there are no resolutions Another new year and no better or new me Another new year, and I’ll keep my expectations low With a cautious dose of faith and hope I want a year full of peace and calm Where love for myself continues to be enough Writing, running, and working fill up my time Another new year and loneliness is not eating me up and freedom feels like solitude and this vacation from dating feels heavenly and music and books are all of the pleasure I need Another new year, and I just want to continue this journey of healing from the past and self-discovery It’s another new year, and for once, I have everything I want in life
on hinge, I became unhinged some man child told me I should thank him for expressing his desire to fuck me within 5 minutes of talking to him I wanted to obliterate him completely cuss him out for how disrespectful he was being but instead bowed out gracefully told him, “naw, I’m made for victorian courtship” he thought I was strange for wanting something with more substance than casual sex with a guy from a dating app told me, “good luck with your AI boyfriend” and the interaction leaves me sour once again wondering if I was born in the wrong era if I’m asking for too much in asking to be respected and seen as a real person instead as a temporary toy for men to play with
the more I disconnected from motherhood and compartmentalize my life the more damage I did to myself and others taking accountability and bonding with my children is necessary for healing
ceo assassin come find me, I bet you’re a crazy communist who can match my bpd and bipolar energy you leave me breathless with an insatiable sexual hunger to make magic between my sheets ceo assassin come find me, let’s run away together from this capitalistic bullshit society and form our own version of utopia one where universal healthcare is a real thing, one where no one has to work 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, one where we are working to live and not living to work ceo assassin come find me, I don’t care that you’re on the most wanted list, I don’t care that they call you a murderous psychopath all I can see in front of me is divine masculinity and bravery who’s fucking tired of the trickle down economics false narrative this consumerist society conditions us to believe and i, more than other people understand you perfectly I can’t recall how many times I, too have found myself in a murderous rage wanting to turn to violence to make my working class anger heard and seen to send a message to the haves and the heathers, karens, chads, and brads of the world fuck you and your vacations, your teslas, and your brand name clothing while the rest of us have to settle for crumbs of the American Dream ceo assassin come find me, between your anger and mine combined, it could be the match that ignites an entire revolution not just against those who deny our insurance claims but also going against the 1 percent who deny us the freedom to just exist without worrying about how to make it in this consumeristic society and parasitic world without going crazy
within a span of a few minutes, I became my dad and my son became me he rolls his eyes at me as I give him practical advice on buying a car is this place reputable? think of the interest rate how many miles are on it? He loses his patience and accuses me of hovering over him and for the first time I feel empathy and compassion for my dad Understanding that this parenting gig isn’t easy and no matter how grown your kids are It’s hard to let them go and live life according to their own terms
run away from your demons, run away from your trauma by running away to the philippines and abandoning your 4 children and playing happy families with the girl who’s only 2 years older than your oldest son run away and try to live out your own version of happiness pretend your American nightmare was a nightmare lived and already forgotten about except your children’s faces and all of your misdeeds will come to haunt you in your dreams the minute you find sleep it won’t matter how many trips, how many child brides you have, how much you tell yourself “I’m great, I’m fine” all of that guilt sits in your gut ready to burst ready to explode and another bout of pleading forgiveness will appear out of nowhere as you near 50 and after that happens Karma will come around you’ll sow what you harvest and reaped
I still smile at my phone every time I get a text from you and ugh-crush season is here again- even as I constantly say, nope, it’s over we’re better off as friends, I’ll never be enough for him So I avoid you but you appear in my dreams Sometimes we’re a thing, other times you appear in the background and I can’t even make it a week without texting you-and haha- Surprise, surprise I still like you and ew- a crush in my middle age it’s so fucking embarrassing
Sometimes I miss our rollercoaster of toxicity even when you came back to me sober you still managed to emotionally dysregulate me and destroy me and while I’ve tried to find a replacement for you no one holds a candle to you no one brings me the level of excitement you once did everyone feels meh and blah compared to you, everyone is mediocre
a moment of serendipity happened when we ran into each other Christmas shopping You struck up a conversation and helped me with my bags and I told you about my plans for higher education and you said you wanted to help me and got my phone number we didn’t know at the time, one day we’d form a family get married and divorced within a span of twenty years isn’t life, so, so crazy? How ten minutes of conversation ended up leading to the beginning of one of my most important stories?
I called you my mr.wrong for a long time and hated myself for loving you- I knew we weren’t heading anywhere- you were the complete opposite of me but connection and chemistry kept me returning to you Even though I knew one day we’d end and one day came when we both got sick of our constant toxicity and shut down our whatevership And while I know it was for the best and we never wanted the same things- last night I dreamed of you coming to my house and sneaking into my bed And I wonder if part of my subconscious still misses you
magneto y locomía sale de la tele mi tío me llamaba su condesita y mi tía me llamaba linda y me río porque últimamente me siento como una extraña en mi cuerpo y mami y sus hermanas me dicen que me estoy volviendo una señorita pero lo único que veo es un monstruo fea y gorda en el espejo y quisiera ser delgadita y fina como mis primas pero por lo menos mi tío y mi tía no me miran así me miran como un tesoro bello y valioso
I met him outside on a hot July night he was everything I was not looking for but it was a devastatingly short fall and then I was lost in him and everything I wanted him to be It wasn’t fair to him or I expectations that were sky high with him I wanted everything but he wasn’t ready to be my love king Perhaps he was just a preview for a future love dream come true
radical self compassion and grace falls from my life as thoughts of crashing my car unintentionally come to the surface of my mind but this happens every year in early december the old me from 2016 still wants to be heard and seen the trauma from her is visiting me mixed with winter and PMDD and lack of sleep makes me feel incompetent and unworthy of existing but I resist and resist thoughts of self harm and despair there is still too much life left in me and besides it’s one bad day out of many Tomorrow, tomorrow, is another day, another sunrise, another sunset another brand new beginning
Inti came out in full force today wanting to play and it lit a light inside of me Fierce and ready to run towards the potential inside waiting to be taken advantage of
