Escribí este poema en Octubre del 2002 acerca del padre de mi hijo mayor. Tenía bastante sentimientos encontrados pero mas que todo tenía rabia.
La Reina Maria Felix
Yo no soy aquella niña ingenua Que tu conocistes La que dejaba todo por ti La que creía en el amor Que tu le prometías La que te amaba Sin razón, sin condiciones Sin enfrentar realidades Esa soñadora quedo atras Y esta mujer que ves Es una mujer desilusionada, realista, Y pessimista No cree en nadie que le promete amor Y se ha vuelto fría Todo esto gracias A tu desgraciada ausencia
She came in before him into the same house she was at a year ago. She wonders to herself why she‘s there at all. She knows the minute she steps into the room; it will be like welcoming back a ghost into her life. She feels like she has no choice. He offers her a drink, and she gladly takes many, hoping that this will numb the outcome her mindless and impulsive actions have taken her to. She wants to say “no” and that she has a boyfriend she wants to be faithful to but knows that now it’s too late. She stops him for a minute after he takes off her shirt and unhooks her bra. She tells him she needs to use the bathroom, and in the bathroom, she writes this. A night she would like to forget.
I wrote this in November 2002 after a seeing my one of my exes. Chronic feelings of emptiness are one of the symptoms of BPD and in the past I’ve tried to escape it with alcohol or sex. I tried sex this time and it didn’t work.
You DO!
She wants to enjoy herself as his once familiar hands and lips explore her body But she can’t
He kisses her breasts and she feels nothing
His hands touch those special turn -on places in her body And her body remains cold and numb
Then she realizes this meaningless act of intimacy she uses to satisfy her body’s urges is no longer enough
She now needs something more, she is frightened but the newfound emptiness Of it all She realizes she need love
Escribí este poema en Noviembre del 2002. Fue inspirado por muchas experiencias que había tenido en ser siempre “la chica divertida del momento” para los hombres y nunca la chica con la cual quieren compartir su vida.
siempre
Ellos quedan acostados en la cama El la mira, ella tan dormida, tan quieta Y el piensa en muchas cosas Aquel acuerdo que hicieron Cuando todo esto empezó Las condiciones que el le pidio a ella Que ella nunca podría enamorarse de el Y lo único que ellos podrían tener sería un juego de sexo y nada mas Tan simple que todo esto empezó Pero el nunca contó con enamorarse de esta niña-ingenua, inconveniente, e inocente de la vida No contaba con extranar a esta niña Caprichosa pero con una dulzura tierna Y por fin Nunca se imaginaba con este dia que ahora no siente poder vivir sin ella y sus pequeñas riquezas
I wrote this in 2002 about John. John was this dude that I met in late 2002 at a bar. We danced and I fell into infatuation for him right away. He was a recent college graduate and so innocent. Maybe it was because he reminded of Andrew. Idk. What I do know is that this poem has some serious “Joe Goldberg” vibes. Lol.
right away
I know this may seem crazy But the thought of you inspires me And I know we just met But this needs to be said I already miss you And want to learn everything about you Starting with your last name And are you like me, love insane?
I wrote this in September of 2002 about Damon. I remember being annoyed with him and wanting to break up with him but Idk I kept procrastinating about it. It was one of those many times when I was afraid to be alone.
so true
I keep trying to figure out what we are all about We are suppose to be “in love” but both of our hearts live in a world of indifference Let’s make this uncomplicated And accept we’ll never be soul mates and begin to follow our separate fates
I wrote this in August of 2002 reflecting on Andrew and Lucas. I thought that they were 2 of the greatest loves of my life. I obviously don’t feel that way anymore. I understand now that due to the circumstances out of my control, there was no way I could have had long term relationships with them.
It always be like that
I’m scared of love. Maybe I jeopardize and push away any opportunity of love knocking on my door. Or maybe it is truly bad luck. I don’t know anymore. I feel so numb and used at the same time. This love shit seems so pointless. I feel like I lost out on the greatest love of my life either 4 years ago or 2 months ago, perhaps. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much about the others and fought for the love I felt for Andrew and Lucas but I had no clue as to how they felt about me. To Andrew, I felt like a passing fad but damn I would’ve done anything for him. For Lucas, I still believe that I was an escape for him whom I also had a great friendship with. I shared everything I ever was with him. I shared my feelings, my thoughts, I even gave him my most vulnerable aspect, my heart. These two men will always and forever be in my heart, a place many had tried to reach but only two have succeeded.
I wrote this in December of 2002 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas. I was pretty obsessed with him. I have this saying, “just because someone stops loving you doesn’t mean you automatically stop loving them.” Having BPD and being me means that when I get obsessed with someone, that “love” I feel doesn’t go away easily. It sucks but it is what it is.
heartbreak is hard to get over
I heard your song tonight And my mind surrendered To the memory of your baby face and that achingly unique voice It made me realize How much I still miss you and love you It make me think How lucky I had been to have had you in my life if even for a short while
I wrote this in 2002 about Damon. When we first started dating, things were great and then they weren’t. Right off the bat, he took me to meet his parents and daughter and he even met my son and my parents. However, we both had our issues and were probably not at a place to be in a relationship. Honestly, I was with Damon to escape loneliness even though we were incompatible and I think he was using me for the same reason. The sex was good and I grew to care about him but I never loved him. We would sometimes have these fights and ghost each other and then come back to each other. Maybe I was just too tired at the time to find someone I was more compatible with.
story of my life
I wish you were as simple as slow dance but you’re a fucking mess Like an upside down cup of coffee And I don’t want to be part of your insanity So I’ll tear myself apart from you And perhaps clean up some of your mess even if my heart will bleed ,even if the tears will fall
I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.
it’s still hard tho
After making love to him I lie awake in his arms And the only thought that crosses thru my mind is that “I want to stay here With you my love”
But even wishing something like that Would be violated by our complicated lives And maybe even regretful sacrifices
So I lie in bed in a life that is anything but the truth and wonder to myself
If to you, I will ever be worth more Than just your special friend
After breaking up with Ron while dealing with the whole Lucas drama, I was very impulsive and emotional. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling so I thought it would be a great idea to meet a new dude at a bar and hook up with him. His name was Damon and it would end up being yet another unstable relationship. This poem was written in June of 2002 right after meeting Damon.
truth
Got drunk last night and somehow ended up Naked and vulnerable in some guy’s bed We know what happened next I gave in to mine and his desires Not sure why I did But everything felt so damn good I just couldn’t stop Even though I knew that that it was so wrong
I wrote this in early June of 2002 about my ex Ron. If you’ve been following the whole Lucas and Me storyline, Ron was the boyfriend I was cheating on with Lucas. The right thing would have been to break up with him since I was in love with someone else and knew that me and Ron were in no way compatible. Instead, I allowed the relationship to drag on and avoided Ron for a bit. Eventually I reached out to Ron to break up with him -via email. Looking back now that was really shitty of me to do. I mean we had only be dating 4 months but I still should have called him to break up. I guess at the time I was trying to do the best I could and was scared of his reaction because he had a horrible temper. What followed where super angry emails from him about how I was this awful person. Since he responded in an angry way to my email, I replied in a defensive way. I don’t remember what I said but it must have been bad. Also, looking at other emails, apparently we went back and forth for a bit fighting. I guess I must have also been asking for an engagement ring and I’m like WTF. This is how I look like at my worst: needy, angry, cruel and impulsive. And many years later, karma would come back to bite me and I understood why Ron was so angry.
this was me at the time
You ask me why I had to say goodbye And walk away from your life In such a nonchalant way All I can say is I could no longer stay In something so fake Everything was fine As long as I never spoke my mind I had to hold back everything that was important to me Damn you for thinking the world of me For that was never the real me The woman was you fell in love with was a fake and submissive miss
I wrote this in May of 2002 about Lucas. I was missing him and feeling nostalgic about him. It was hard because while we were still keeping in touch via email, we hardly saw each other.
It’s almost always like that
I tried to escape the thought of you But it follows me wherever I go Your scent, your voice, your kiss Always remains fresh on my mind No matter how long it’s been Even if I try my hardest To live without you I somehow end up again Trapped in the caged memory that was your love
I wrote this in 2002 about my coworker Lucas. This is a good example of the black and white thinking that happens with me when I’m in a relationship.
It’s always a war, I’m never the same after
You’re so close to me And impossible to reach You’re the one I want to be with And the one I want to run away from You’re my best dream And worst nightmare You’re my reason for my happiness And the epitome of my frustrations You give me a reason to live And a reason to leave this life You’re the first on my list And I’m the last on yours
Life on the BPD 