Poesia: Incapacidad

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/02/15/poetry-your-little-game/

el resentimiento que siento por ti no me deja dormir
tus acciones me hicieron un mundo de daΓ±o y me trastornaron
y siempre me preguntare,
ΒΏPor quΓ© fuiste un cobarde y no pudiste dar la cara al desmadre que tu creaste ?
ΒΏPor que somos nosotros que tuvimos que sufrir por tu incapacidad
de ser un hombre de verdad y asumir tu responsabilidad?

Poesia: Β Incertidumbre

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/23/you-suck/

vivo en un mundo de incertidumbre contigo
que me deja agotada, que me das ganas de morir
tratando de adivinar tu siguiente paso
tratando de entender porque que te alejas de me
tratando de ser suficiente para ti
mientras tu apenas me das lo mas minimos de amor y respect
me pregunto -ΒΏvalera la pena vivir tanta miseria?

Poetry: Pleading with the Full Moon

I wrote this poem in April of 2022.

me in April of 2022

I told the full moon to listen to my pleas
to lessen my pain
to turn me from victim to victor

I told the full moon to let my mind rest
and stop my intrusive thoughts
that tell me I’m worthless
and not good enough

I told the weary moon to fill me
with self love
instead of self hate

Poesia: Suficiente

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/22/poetry-special-friend/

me acuesto en mi cama en una vida
llena de mentiras
fingiendo que estoy bien
mientras guardo una miseria profunda
dentro de mi misma
esperando que un hombre me salve
Esperando que mi destino se transforme
espero, espero, espero
que algo cambie en mi vida
para que pare de obsessionar
por que nunca soy suficiente

Poesia: Maga

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/19/poetry-forget-me/

quisiera ser una maga
para que te olvides de mi
para que nunca hubiese existido en tu vida
porque me odio por haberte causado
un mundo de dolor
pero no vivimos en un cuento de hadas

Vivimos en una realidad dura
donde soy incapaz de decirte algo
para que tu dolor sea mΓ‘s fΓ‘cil para superar
lo ΓΊnico que puedo hacer es rezar por ti,
desearte lo mejor, y esperar que algun dia
encuentres el valor para empezar denuevo
con alguien que te sepa amar

Poetry Review: Blood, Booze, and Other Things in Nature

C.E Hoffman’s chapbook collection Blood, Booze and Other Things in Nature is definitely a must read if you like your poetry vulnerable and thought provoking . This collection is raw and in your face and doesn’t shy away from telling you the harsh truth about the world but the poet does in a way that’s witty and full of  dark humor. The poet addresses complex issues of mental health, love, sex, parenthood, and poverty. They address the inequalities that hit you in the gut and make you question the status quo.. I’ve never read a poetry collection like this before. I’ll talk about 4 poems from the book that I really liked. Their poetry feels like thoughts I’ve had that I have been too afraid to write down; much less share with the world.

The first poem is β€œBloom (Blow Job) β€œand I really liked how this poem transitioned from giving a blowjob to other things in the poet’s life.  I interpreted as things to talk about or are talked about after a blowjob. The line in this poem that really resonated with me was  β€œyou wipe spit from your cheek when/your lover says it was the hardest they came in their life, and/you believe them β€œ(Hoffman). I’ve had this said to me quite a few times and my friend has as well. It’s a common line that men say to their partners/flings. Yes, MEN, we do talk about these things.

Another poem that resonated with me was β€œMagnificent Shits” in which the poet talks about how they imagine their unborn child to be like  and how much they already love them . I resonated with this poem because as a parent myself, I’ve had similar thoughts. I resonated with the lines, β€œBut no matter where you go/forever drives your soul/YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE that shits and smiles and needs and creates and kisses/explores and speeds β€œ(Hoffman). These capture that feeling of loving your child and acknowledging their humanness. 

Another poem I really liked from this collection is β€œPrenatal Yoga aka Relearning Breath”. It deals with complex issues of β€œpassing” and even deals with the poet dealing with privilege. The line that I really liked from this poem was, β€œAnd I know it’s strange to find peace in a space of appropriation/’cause 8 outta 9 of our faces are white/ so when it comes to β€œpassing”/ I really can’t talk, can I? β€œ(Hoffman) As a woman of color who’s spent most of her time in predominantly white spaces, I understand this sentiment of feeling like an β€œother” or β€œout of place”. Often at times, I try to blend in and 9 out of 10 times, I am able to without incident. However, there is that 10 % where I feel uncomfortable because something unintentionally prejudiced is said or a wrong assumption is made about me. 

New Moon in Cancer (Radical Honesty 101) was my favorite poem in this book. I interpreted this poem as the anxiety of the poet written in verse. I loved how honest Hoffman is in addressing everything that goes through their mind openly talking about their mental health, relationships, and what it’s like to be a writer in today’s environment of instagram, twitter, etc. One of my favorite lines from this poem was, β€œI don’t believe in The One./I’ve initiated most of my break-ups, cheated on basically/even in open relationships-/Shit. Maybe I just suck at this.” )Hoffman. I feel like Hoffman basically describes almost all of my romantic relationships and the thoughts I have about that part of my life. Examining and deconstructing my relationships this past year, I’ve often thought, β€œman, maybe I just suck at this, let me quit while I haven’t slashed anyone’s tires yet”(haha). The other line that I really liked from this poem was “Honestly I’m sick of wanting to get better, dying to be better, trying to do better than whatever I am or can” (Hoffman). Being in this recovery journey from my BPD feels like that sometimes. I have a strict routine I adhere to, read so many books about BPD, monitor my moods and honestly, it gets tiresome at times. Like Hoffman, I get sick of trying to β€œbe better” and I often wonder when I can stop being so vigilant and rigid in everything I do. When can I say I’m finally better and can stop doing so much?

Blood, Booze, and other things in Nature is definitely the poetry collection for you if you’ve ever felt like a pariah, like an outcast, like an outsider in this world that tries to tone you down for being too crazy, too loud, and  too bizarre for it. Reading this poetry collection is the medicine you need for that beautiful and chaotic soul of yours that refuses to conform to the norms and expectations of normalcy in this patriarchal society.

Below is a link to the book:

Don’t believe me? Here are other testimonials about the book and the author:

Praise for Blood, Booze, and Other Things in Nature: 

This book resonates with anyone who’s ever called a crisis line and had them respond, β€œOh wow that’s a lot.” This chapbook isn’t a cocktail. It’s a shot. 

-Kit Stitches 

This is no nipple-slip, no wardrobe malfunction. This is deliberate, personal exposure, revealing heart, head, and the wounds of living. The battle songs, the laments, and the healing gather here. 

-Neil S Reddy 

This collection is a dirty meditation, a longing for escape, an ecstatic fuck you to the traps and ties of societal expectation. A delightful, messy romp through the entrails of the heart. 

-Nicole Morning 

This is the kind of writing that inspires fandom.

-Alexandine Ogundimu, Filth Magazine

Praise for C E Hoffman: 

C E Hoffman is a fearless writer.

-Jack Wang, author of We Two Alone and winner of the Danuta Gleed Literary Award 

The human spirit remains fresh-voiced, optimistic and youthful in Hoffman’s imaginative writing.

-Martin Millar, author of Lonely Werewolf Girl and winner of the World Fantasy Award 

Hoffman’s writing style reminds one of Burroughs at his most straightforward or Irvine Welsh at his strangest, but with a presentation dominated primarily by women and queer characters- a refreshing change in this particular milieu.…Hoffman is definitely a writer to watch for, and I look forward to what they give us next.

-Justin Bookworm, Razorcake Issue #123

Sex and the City meets Black Mirror.

-Alana M Kelley, Maudlin House Magazine 

Poetry: World Poetry Day

I wrote this poem in March of 2022.

me in March of 2022

I’ve had many Muses in my 41 years
some have stayed
my kids, my co-parent, my chosen family
some have used me as a temporary destination
countless friends and lovers
they’ve abandoned me or I’ve abandoned them
but all who have stayed or gone
have inspired me in writing
my life’s story through poetry
so to my past, present, and future muses
I am forever grateful for inspiring
the most amazing and crazy creativity
without you all, I wouldn’t have anything
worth writing about-

Poesia: Terremoto

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/15/couldve-been/

Anoche escuche nuestra canciΓ³n
y me puse a llorar
pensΓ© en lo que habΓ­amos sido
y todo lo que pudo ser
y el recuerdo de nuestro amor
todavΓ­a me sacude como un terremoto
Donde estaras?
Con quien estas?
ΒΏAlguna vez la nostalgia de mi tambiΓ©n te sacude a ti?

Poetry: My Fault

I wrote this poem in March of 2022.

text message from me to the person who inspired this poem

Maybe I was captious in thinking you wanted sex
but you were really depressed and needed help
I was moody and tired and couldn’t be bothered
so I turned off my phone and wanted to be alone
I thought it was no big deal to not get back
on our idiot ferris wheel
and now I hope it’s not too late
and prioritizing myself wasn’t a mistake
because I couldn’t stand the thought of
you harming yourself be my fault

Storytelling

What activities do you lose yourself in?

There are so many stories within me aching to get out
every single one wants to be a priority
but which one do I pick first
most are dramatic, some are angry and sad,
a few are happy and lovely
every story is important in a life
full of chaos and trauma
I don’t know why I attract so much drama
So I’m going to tell each story
Because I own everything that’s happened to me
Because I’m finally taking myself seriously

Poetry: The Zeitgeist of COVID Times

I wrote this poem in March of 2022.

me in March of 2020 when the Pandemic started

Toilet paper, hand sanitizer,
Masks, COVID tests

the judgy quarantined
Karens and Brads
or
the overwhelmed essential
workers

Solitary confinement
or
Endless work hours

Creative new hobbies
or
No time to think or sleep

Neverending restlessness
or
Neverending adrenaline rushes

Mental breakdowns for all
This was the Zeitgeist
of COVID times

Poesia: Miseria Toxica

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/03/poetry-tired-2/

Mis amigas son mi peor enemigas
Sacando a la luz todas mis inseguridades
y siento ansiedad que me trae insomnia
pensando si ellas tienen la razΓ³n
serΓ© en realidad una mujer suela?
serΓ© en realidad una madre negligente?
serΓ© en realidad una estupida,
por querer superarme?
y me convenzo que nunca
serΓ© suficiente para lo que se
espera de mi
y me siento deprimida
con esta realizaciΓ³n
y me quedo dormida
con un corazΓ³n lleno
de miseria toxica

Poetry: soft again

I wrote this poem in March of 2022

me around the time I wrote this poem…

I want to be soft again and fall in love
without thinking
that feels like a special kind of freedom
to share the burdens with someone
to share the laughter with someone
to share a unique kind of love with someone
but my heart is locked under a fortress
and I refuse to let anyone in
because in all honesty I don’t think
I could stand the pain again
when another lover leave suddenly
and I’m left again with the shards of my heart
to put them back together and carry on