I love you
but I hate you
I miss you
but you’re a jerk
I desire you
but your love is awful
I want you here with me
but you make me suffer
I want to kiss you
but you steal my calm
I keep you in my heart
but with you I lose my mind
Poetry: I Love You
Poem of the Day: Soulless Conundrum
Day 17 of doing a 31-day poetry prompt challenge. The prompt today is “Soulless Conundrum”.
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Poetry: Resignation
From the ages of 18 to 23, I worked for a government agency as an interpreter. I was well-liked by many of my coworkers and my first supervisor was appreciative of me. I was very good at my job and even cross-trained in many other areas that didn’t “pertain to my job”. However, at that job, I was also bullied and discriminated against for being Latina. I was also slut-shamed by my second supervisor and coworkers the latter 2 years I was there. I don’t want to say I deserved being slut-shamed but I’ll just say that I trusted the wrong coworkers with my private life and they went on to gossip about me to everyone. It was also a very stressful environment because of the work I did and clients I had to interact with. My depression and anxiety went haywire. In 2003, I decided to enroll in my local community college and major in English. In 2004, I was trying to go to school full time, work full time, and deal with my child’s new autism diagnosis. I was breaking down mentally and something had to give so I quit this job. I was fucking done. And this poem was inspired by that moment. I thought I had processed this trauma until it came back up in therapy in the summer of 2021. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had suffered a deep racial trauma that impacted me and still triggered reactions in me. I was angry. There is actually way more to this story and one day I’ll share it when I’m ready.
This was the hardest thing I did
but it had to be done
I couldn’t stand the gossip
or the two faces of everyone
the way they pretended to be my friend
but the minute I turned my back to them
they talked like I was the biggest wench
so much envy and hate
I HAVE TO ESCAPE
FROM THIS MISERABLE FATE!
so today I resigned
I didn’t tell them why
all I know is that for the first time
in a really long time
I feel something like happy
so long to the only place I have known
for an almost five year term
for once I breathe a sigh of relief
I finally had the courage to leave
so long to the hypocrisy of this place
to let myself stay here for another day
would only be a fucking waste
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Poetry: Crooked Turn
I wrote this in January of 2003 about John. Guess I was still mad at the rejection I felt when he ghosted me.
If I was nothing more
Than another girl
Why couldn’t you have been straight
Instead of acting in an enamored way
And made me really believe
You truly care for me
but I should have known all along
that you’d be the same jerk song
Hopefully one day I’ll learn
to stop taking all you crooked turns
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Poem: The Objectification of Eliza
I wrote this in 2019 when I was reflecting about the way men have often objectified in a way that they almost always seem to just want the fun and sexy part of me but seem to often have problems seeing the rest of me. I’ve almost always felt like I’ve been good enough to be their lover but never good enough to be introduced to their mother. Do I still feel this way? I honestly don’t know. I like the attention and validation I get from men because of my looks but sometimes it feels so hollow.
Tell me I’m pretty, tell me I’m sexy
Tell me I’m beautiful
Objectify me, fuck me,
Forget about me
And then
Try to come back to me
And when I deny
your lust filled request,
Put me down, threaten me
Try to hurt me-
Your words mean nothing to me
You’re not the first
But will be the last
Who tries to destroy me
You’re not the first
But will be the last
Who treats me like a doll
to fuck at your convenience
You’re not the first
But will be the last
That tells me I’m not good enough
Tell me you miss, tell me you want me
Tell me you’re sorry
Be persistent in your quest
In trying to get me in your bed
with empty promises
about how this time it will be different
Sorry to my past, my present, and
future lovers-
I am pass being the girl
that’s just used for fun-
I am pass being the lover
you never introduce to your mother
I’d rather live in a world
of solitude and calm
than to once again fall
into the objectification trap
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Poetry: Mistake
I wrote this in December of 2002 after I had a one night stand with this dude I met in a bar and he didn’t tell me he was married. I found out a few days later when a coworker told me. I felt shame, guilt, and like a dirty whore for what happened even thought I knew that this time I was an unwilling homewrecker. It was rough.
This was a mistake
I wish I could unmake
I didn’t mean to kiss you
And I didn’t mean for us to screw
But the alcohol got to my head
That somehow led me to your bed
And now you have to understand
Our destiny has been written in the sand
You will never be the man I dream of
Who will deserve the best of my love
So now it’s about time
for you to open your eyes
What happened between you and I
Was chemistry I could no longer deny
So stop trying to interrupt my life
And just go back to your wife
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Playlist: ANGRY AF
Today is National Getting Over It day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate it than by sharing my ANGRY AF playlist. A huge part for me getting over something tragic in my life is to get angry. And when I get angry, it’s almost like a volcano eruption. This is actually pretty healthy for me because I’ve felt that at times, anger has saved me from feeling all of my sadness at once which for me can get really overwhelming right away. I can even say that Anger has probably saved me from spiraling into an abyss of sadness that would be hard to crawl out of. In other words, anger has helped me survive whatever trauma has come my way. I used to be so ashamed of being angry because of how it would turn me into the most self absorbed and reactive person. I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve learned how to better manage my anger. Instead of drinking or hooking with random dudes because I’m angry; I exercise or write while I listen to music. Most of the songs in this list are geared more towards someone going through a breakup because that is when my anger comes out the most. Thanks, BPD. Lol. In bold are my favorite songs from this list.
For the Brokenhearted: I’m ANGRY AF Edition (the only where you scream out the lyrics):
- FUCK YOU, GOODBYE-The Kid LAROI , Machine Gun Kelly
- abcdefu-Gayle
- SELFISH-The Kid LAROI
- SAME ENERGY- The Kid Laroi
- good 4 u-Olivia Rodrigo
- Cute Without the “E” (Cut from the Team)-Taking Back Sunday
- Sugar, We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
- Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today-Fall Out Boy
- The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes-Fall Out Boy
- traitor-Olivia Rodrigo
- Better Than Revenge -Taylor Swift
- Push-Matchbox Twenty
- You Oughta Know-Alanis Morissette
- We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together-Taylor Swift
- Stronger Than Me-Amy Winehouse
- Priest-Julia Michaels
- Sorry-Beyonce
- Death by a Thousand Cuts-Taylor Swift
- Closure-Taylor Swift
- Look What You Made Me Do-Taylor Swift
- Your Name Hurts-Hailee Steinfeld
- Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
- Lying Is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Her Clothes Off- Panic! At the Disco
- BEST FOR ME-The Kid LAROI
- I Bet You Think About Me-Taylor Swift
- This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things-Taylor Swift
- Head Club-Taking Back Sunday
- Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
- Ignore Me-Betty
- Sue Me-Sabrina Carpenter
Below are links to the playlist for your listening pleasure:
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Poetry: Hope You Know
I hope you know that YOU really shouldn’t think about dating me unless you want me to write loads and loads of sad and angry breakup poetry about you once you leave. Just kidding. Maybe. LMAO Anyways, here is another salty poem about the great breakup of 2001.
I hope you know you made a mistake
The day you decided to go astray
You have just lost the best thing
It’ll get under your skin
And you will one day regret
The day you decided to forget
It was just supposed to be about me and you
And you’ll feel like such a damn fool
For I’ll never let you walk back into my life
Knowing you made love to me with your disgusting lies
I hope you’re miserable with her
and karma comes for you and her
and for me you’ll just be another nightmare
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Poetry: Maybe
Maybe I am the girl version of Joe Goldberg after all. LMAO. Of course, this was written about the great breakup of 2001.
Maybe I am sad
finding out you were such a cad
Maybe I am blue
Knowing you were never true
Maybe I was too blind to see
you weren’t really into me
Maybe I was a fool
To never have seen past your bull
Maybe I am done
With guys like you using me for fun
Maybe just maybe I can get past all this
Knowing one day you’ll have to pay for this
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Poetry: Ambiguity
I wrote this in December 2001 after seeing my ex “S” from the “great breakup of 2001”. I saw him at mall while I was shopping. I remember not being able to breathe and having to get out of there.
I was minding my own business
when I came upon your ugly face
I started right away to get restless
Thinking how you had been such a fucking waste
I hope you didn’t notice
How I had forgotten to breathe
How the memory of your kiss
Came back to me
That’s when I had to turn around and leave
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Poetry: My Love Murderer
This was the second poem I wrote in December of 2001 inspired after seeing my ex “S” at the mall. I was still feeling all of those raw emotions after this breakup when I wrote this. Looking back on it, I’m glad that at the time, I took my emotions out on paper instead of finding other means of escape with alcohol or someone else.
There you were
In front of me
My love murderer
I wanted to yell and scream
and say
You are the most deceitful, lying, scum king
I wanted to throw at you my fist
with all my might
And punch those lips I had once kissed
I wanted to kill you with a look
that said
You bastard, look at how much you took away from me
Instead, I had to walk away
and take back with me
All I wanted to do or say
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Poetry: Thank You
I wrote this in 2001 about the great breakup. Looking back at this I almost BUT I’m glad that at the time I was resourceful enough to turn to write poetry instead of doing more self destructive things. My favorite phrase from my 20 year old self is “low scum ho”. Damn, I was salty. LMAO.
Thank you for letting me know
I was with some low scum ho
Thank you for making me see
He was just using you and me
Thank you for making me realize
My lover was just telling me lies
Thank you for driving me into this misery
I really thought he cared for only me
But most of all,
Thank you for taking this burden off me
he didn’t deserve someone as good as me
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Poetry: Big Lie
This is yet another poem inspired by the great breakup of 2001. Most likely, I wrote this poem right after it happened as I still raw processing what happened.
Big Lie
I was stubborn
and I got burned
by not believing
that you were deceiving
there were many signs
but my heart refused to resign
it didn’t want to conceive of the notion
that your love was a distortion
now I sit in disbelief
at how wrong you done me
I’m so much better off I know
even though it’s almost impossible to let you go
so it’s forever goodbye
to your twisted love that was a big lie
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Poetry: Unfair
This was another poem written in early 2001 about Paul. All I can say is that at least I didn’t go on to write more than a few poems about this breakup. I probably wrote this during the time we were attempting a “pseudo friendship”. I remember getting nauseated and sick every time after I got off the phone with him. This really was the last poem I wrote about him.
Upset, angry, frustrated
Are some of the things I feel
When I come in contact with
Your miserable self
Depressed, miserable, pessimistic
is what I’ve become
You walked away
Happy, gleaming, glowing
is what you are
your miserable piece of scum
It’s unfair,unjust, not right
That fate led me to someone
Who would cause me so much raw pain
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Poetry: Why Did You?
Another poem I wrote about the great breakup of 2001. Who knew that more than 20 years later, it would just be great blog content. Lol.
Why did you have to be
so painful for me?
Why did it take me so long
To find out you were doing me so wrong
Why did you have to such a waste
And leave my mouth with such a bitter taste
Why did you have to put on such a good show
I still can’t believe somebody could stoop so low
Why did you have to make my heart so sore
I don’t think i can stand the pain anymore
Why did you have to show up
And be such a damn fuck up
Life on the BPD 