This is yet another poem inspired by the great breakup of 2001. Most likely, I wrote this poem right after it happened as I still raw processing what happened.
Big Lie
I was stubborn and I got burned by not believing that you were deceiving there were many signs but my heart refused to resign it didn’t want to conceive of the notion that your love was a distortion now I sit in disbelief at how wrong you done me I’m so much better off I know even though it’s almost impossible to let you go so it’s forever goodbye to your twisted love that was a big lie
This was another poem written in early 2001 about Paul. All I can say is that at least I didn’t go on to write more than a few poems about this breakup. I probably wrote this during the time we were attempting a “pseudo friendship”. I remember getting nauseated and sick every time after I got off the phone with him. This really was the last poem I wrote about him.
honestly how it felt like
Upset, angry, frustrated Are some of the things I feel When I come in contact with Your miserable self
Depressed, miserable, pessimistic is what I’ve become You walked away
Happy, gleaming, glowing is what you are your miserable piece of scum
It’s unfair,unjust, not right That fate led me to someone Who would cause me so much raw pain
Another poem I wrote about the great breakup of 2001. Who knew that more than 20 years later, it would just be great blog content. Lol.
Ugh..this is me
Why did you have to be so painful for me? Why did it take me so long To find out you were doing me so wrong Why did you have to such a waste And leave my mouth with such a bitter taste Why did you have to put on such a good show I still can’t believe somebody could stoop so low Why did you have to make my heart so sore I don’t think i can stand the pain anymore Why did you have to show up And be such a damn fuck up
I wrote this about my friend Sam after I found out that he tried to sleep with my sister. I was furious after this happened but it was also kind of funny. So Sam put the moves on my poor recently separated and vulnerable sister. Well–according to my sister, when they were getting to the good part, his equipment wouldn’t work. At all. Haha. This is the last of the poems about Sam. He does make an appearance in my life in either 2018 or 2019 when I looked him up on Facebook and impulsively messaged him. Surprisingly, he responded but nothing came of it. I think that while the idea of him seemed nice, putting that much effort again into a former fuckboy didn’t feel worth it all.
I thought you should be told that you are a pathetic asshole You will never go anywhere By not playing fair You have no fucking respect I wish we had never met How could you lie to me? Can’t you see I thought we were friends But now you’ve become my fiend I hope I never hear your fucking voice Or see your fucking face I wish you unhappiness and many years of misery
I wrote this in November of 2001 about the great breakup of that year. I was quite salty. Hey, at least I didn’t go Joe Goldberg on his ass. Lmao. Sometimes as a way to process trauma, I will write letters to the people that have hurt me. This is an example of one of them.
I feel like this same story has repeated in my life over and over again
My heart knew you were no good Something told it you were not being true All those days you were out there “working” You had been out there fucking I should’ve known to walk away The first time your lying ways gave you away But I wanted so badly to believe That you were truly in love with me Now I’m a big mess But I deserve this I guess For not listening to myself And falling in love with your sorry self I’m glad we’ve reached the end Cause baby you were hell sent
I wrote this in 2000 about Sam. He was my FWB for over year and of course I developed feelings for him. I also felt guilt and shame because I was the “other woman” during that entire time. I also kept sleeping with him even though I was suppose to be a few “monogamous” relationships during that time. Maybe that’s why I have trust issues. I know how shitty and dishonest people can be because I’ve been shitty and dishonest myself. I also have this habit for falling for people I have no business falling for.
My friend Sam I like having you as my special friend I like it when we get together and we have wild and crazy sex You make me feel better than when I’m with him I suppose that it’s because it’s just sex The more I’m with you, the more i look into that beautiful ocean I call your eyes, the more I hear the achy familiar sound of your voice when you answer the phone,the more tender kisses you give me all over, I’m falling in a dangerous Situation here, the lust that I’m suppose to be feeling for you is now falling into this deeper emotion called love I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t supposed to happen I know that you belong to another and I know she’s the one you love and to you I’m nothing more than a warm body to warm you up at your convenience This is why I have to leave you my special friend Sam I can’t stand hearing your heys of feeling your tender kisses all over my body and just tonight I’m all yours but tomorrow forget I ever existed in your life With this my friend I say goodbye and I hope you live happily ever after with the love of your life
I wrote this in 1997 about my ex James. I was pissed and super salty as you can tell. This poem is me fantasizing Karma got back to him one day. This poem is full of that great anger I feel when men are jerks to me.
me in 1997 when this poem was written- laughing about my ex …lmao
You were such a cad and that makes me so sad You give women so much crap Just to get them in the sack You give them so much pressure Just so they can give you pleasure You never know how they feel After you made your kill You didn’t care And thought it was fair To use them to satisfy your primal thirst Never thinking one of them would make a big fuss Now you spend your life in bed Having to be fed How ironic it is Just cause you had to add one more to your list
I wrote this in 1997 about my oldest son’s bio dad after he ghosted me. I was quite salty about it. Lol. You can tell that I had that black and white thinking down pat at this point.
me in 1998 when I wrote this poem
I believed you when you told me you love me How wrong could I have been? What a fool I have been? To believe on all of the promises and all of those wonderful words you told me How could you have so cruel as to use our lovemaking to use me for other interests But most of all, how could you make me fall in love with you? And now it hurts to know you never really loved me You were just playing with my heart and mind the whole time I guess your heart must be made of ice and you must be numb You were never that good in bed anyways
I wrote this in November of 2001 after “the great breakup” of that year. To say I was pissed is an understatement. I don’t even know if angry is a strong enough word to accurately describe what I was feeling after that breakup. LOL.
I wrote this in 2001 after experiencing a really bad break up. Break ups tend not just break my heart but also make question my self worth. It’s really hard for me to get over someone especially if I get super attached to that person. In this case, I had been with the dude for like 2 months and I guess thought that maybe he was “the one”. Well that wasn’t the case when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. At least it inspired dozens and dozens of poems. Lol.
I wrote this poem in the summer of 2019 when C had ghosted me for the millionth time and I thought that I was finally done with him and I was determined not to go back with him. Of course, that wouldn’t be the case. This relates to one of my BPD traits which is fear of abandonment. I think one of the reasons I kept letting him come back.
List of pros I made when Mr.Toxic ghosted me in late 2019
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 when Mr.Toxic had once again ghosted me. I think so much of me was obsessed with him because of the chaos he brought into my life. Also, even though I hate to admit it, he brought so much inspiration to my life that I ended up writing over 50 pages of poetry/ mini stories about him. He was my muse for a while and I think I became addicted to him.
There once was a girl and she fell in love with the ocean. The ocean engulfed her with its salt smell, and the warmth of the water on late nights. The girl swam and swam, deeper and deeper into the ocean-loving it more each day. One day the ocean got tired of the girl and decided to make the biggest wave to throw her back to the land. When the girl woke on land, she was disoriented, confused, lost and hurt. She wondered if her late night swims had been a beautiful and hopeless dream. So a few weeks went by and the girl returned to her normal reality of her every day . She went through her normal routine even though her heart hurt-she slowly recovered from the crash of the ocean and just as she was almost to her normal self. The ocean decided to call her back again. At first, she couldn’t believe it-she thought her ears were deceiving her-but it was clear that the ocean wanted her to swim in it again-for whatever reason. The girl felt special and lucky and even though she was hesitant -she swam again in the ocean. This time -it was deeper and more intense. She felt at one with the ocean. She felt honored to learn all of its secrets and was completely enthralled by it. She was finally beginning to feel safe and so vulnerable she started to float and let the ocean carry her. All of a sudden the ocean got tired and threw her again-this time the crash was way more devastating . It felt like she couldn’t breathe at times. She knew that she should deal better since this had happened once before but this time she cried more than ever. She felt worthless and used in every sense of the word. She wondered what sin she had committed that the universe had handed her such unimaginable and tremendous pain. It was hard this time to get back to normalcy. It was hard for her to go about her day and not burst into tears because her poor heart would spasm when something brought back the memory of the ocean. And then the process repeated itself a few more times. It was more exhausting and devastating each time. It’s like she couldn’t learn and see how damaging the ocean was to her soul. Finally there was a time where it was so brutal the girl finally learned to tune out the ocean’s song and she never swam again.
Life on the BPD 