Happy International Nurse’s Day !

Happy international Nurse’s Day to all the nurses and especially my favorite nurse, my sister. We’ve had a complicated relationship through most of my life but within the past few years, our relationship has gotten a lot better. I have more to say about this but that calls for a longer blog post in the future. Today, I want to honor her for being the awesome human being that she is. Below is a picture of us at a concert we went in July of 2022 and a poem I wrote in December of 2021 when she turned 47.

me and my sister in July of 2022

To My Sister On Her 47th birthday

you’re 3 years away 50
but still look like you’re in your 30’s
Has anyone told you how amazing you are?
Have our parents loved you out loud?

I’ve always admired you for your fortitude and resilience
but wish for you to have peace and an opportunity to be soft

I get it though –
It is hard to be soft in
a society that expects you resemble a tower of strength,
where you take care of everyone first and put yourself last
It was something you had to learn at a young age

you used to be the
Villian in my book at times,
but lately I think of you as the victim
and the victor_

You’re a victim of life-
the victim because of the pressure
you were put under for being the oldest
the victim for being a woman of color
in a racist and sexist society

But you’re also the victor-
the victor never giving up-
no matter how fucked up life got for you
the victor for facing shit head on without any fucks
and with an intimidating confidence (maybe that’s why I was jealous)

oh sister of mine,
on your 47th year-I hope.
you get to sit and enjoy
the wonderful life you’ve created

Poetry: The Woke “SJW”

I wrote this poem in May of 2022 inspired by this “woke” white woman. Lol.

you’re nothing but a selfish and narcissistic attention whore
constantly craving the limelight
by posting long and stupid ridden Facebook statuses
about the β€œtruth” of the injustice you see
injecting yourself as the voice of minorities
it all unveils your world of deep seated insecurities
and the irony of all of this is should you know better
since you’re a therapist
but apparently you’re still dumb as fuck
It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have-you still reek of ignorance

Poetry: Golden Light

Happy Asian American and Pacific Islander Month! I wrote this poem inspired by my favorite Asian American, my oldest son.

me and my oldest in 1999

I was young and so stupid
a kid having another kid
but with you I grew up
and learned the meaning of love
you’re everything a mother could want
a wonderful and amazing son
and while I’ll feel some grief
the day you’ll your spread wings
I’ll feel a special kind of pride
as I watch you shine your golden light

Poetry: Left Behind

Aqui esta la version en Espanol de este poema:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/02/02/poesia-la-mujer-de-hoy/

your wretched goodbye brought a radical change within me
left behind was the naive girl who fell in love with you
left behind was the stupid bitch who made a home in you
left behind was the insecure woman who made you her world
the woman who stands before you made a 360 turn
the woman who stands before lives life according to her own terms
without apologizing, without accommodation, without toning herself down
the woman you left behind no longer exists
she turned into ashes and out of the ashes turned into a brave and powerful queen
who learned that her love is the rarest type of jewel that she reserves
only for those who love her and accept her exactly as she is

Poesia: Incapacidad

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/02/15/poetry-your-little-game/

el resentimiento que siento por ti no me deja dormir
tus acciones me hicieron un mundo de daΓ±o y me trastornaron
y siempre me preguntare,
ΒΏPor quΓ© fuiste un cobarde y no pudiste dar la cara al desmadre que tu creaste ?
ΒΏPor que somos nosotros que tuvimos que sufrir por tu incapacidad
de ser un hombre de verdad y asumir tu responsabilidad?

The Art of Compassion and Grace

Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.

I still ache inside at times
over past regrets, over past mishaps
it’s when doubt in me starts to rise
And I fear another emotional relapse
but then faith whispers to me
let go of your past and focus on your present
and I float back down to reality
and once again gain confidence
my past and trauma never defined me
it’s part of my heroine’s journey
at times I may have been terrible
but I’ve always taken accountability
at times I’ve felt irreparable
but it’s a false story I told myself
I’ve finally learned how to knock out
those thoughts of how awful I’ve been
I’ve learned the art of compassion and grace
for myself

Poesia: Β Incertidumbre

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/23/you-suck/

vivo en un mundo de incertidumbre contigo
que me deja agotada, que me das ganas de morir
tratando de adivinar tu siguiente paso
tratando de entender porque que te alejas de me
tratando de ser suficiente para ti
mientras tu apenas me das lo mas minimos de amor y respect
me pregunto -ΒΏvalera la pena vivir tanta miseria?

Poetry: Fearful

AquΓ­ estΓ‘ la versiΓ³n en EspaΓ±ol:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/05/poesia-cobardia/

you burned our novel of love
because your courage ran out
because you couldn’t fight for us-
even when you told me over and over again
how being with me made you feel alive
how I was different from anyone you ever met
none of that mattered because you chose your wife
because she brings you security
because she’s your peace
because she’s comfortable
because you preferred a static and predictable life with her
Instead of living a life full of excitement and challenges with me

Poetry: Treasure Chest

I wrote this poem in April of 2022.

me in April of 2022

Deep inside of me
is a treasure chest
full of wonder, full of splendor
Deep inside of me
is a treasure chest
full of sadness,full of sorrow
Deep inside of me
is a treasure chest
full of love, full of laughter
Deep inside of me
is a treasure chest
full of anger, full of hate

Poetry: Best I Can Be

I wrote this poem in April of 2022.

I wish I could be perfect to everyone in my life,
the perfect mom, the perfect coparent, the perfect mistress
but the pressure gets too loud within me
And I need to get away from how I want to be perceived
I’ll never be the perfect anything
I’m never be June Cleaver or the perfect dream girl
I can only be authentically and imperfect me
And maybe me and everyone in my life
need to accept that’s the best I can be

Poetry: Pleading with the Full Moon

I wrote this poem in April of 2022.

me in April of 2022

I told the full moon to listen to my pleas
to lessen my pain
to turn me from victim to victor

I told the full moon to let my mind rest
and stop my intrusive thoughts
that tell me I’m worthless
and not good enough

I told the weary moon to fill me
with self love
instead of self hate

Poetry: More than a Diagnosis

I wrote this poem in April of 2022.

sorry not sorry

My diagnosis doesn’t define me,
It empowers me, it makes sense of my nonsense
I’m not crazy or chaotic or even hard to love
I’m a dream come true wrapped up in complexity
sure at times I feel like a nightmare
But don’t all of us get rough at times
So whoever gets scared and runs away from me
Sorry not sorry, I’m too much
and you’re just not enough

Poetry: My Secret

I wrote this in March of 2022 for World Bipolar Day.

I wear the stigma of a bipolar diagnosis and hide this big secret
This secret has been a part of me since my teens
This secret explains my sometimes uncontrollable insanity
This secret at times robs me of my sleep
This secret has taken me on many fun and lustful adventures
This secret makes me write, write, write
so I don’t want to die, die, die
I keep this secret and take medication for it
But one day, I’ll scream out loud my mental health truth
I’m bipolar 2
I’m not enough to ruin your life but just enough to fuck it up
a little at a time

Poesia: Suficiente

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/22/poetry-special-friend/

me acuesto en mi cama en una vida
llena de mentiras
fingiendo que estoy bien
mientras guardo una miseria profunda
dentro de mi misma
esperando que un hombre me salve
Esperando que mi destino se transforme
espero, espero, espero
que algo cambie en mi vida
para que pare de obsessionar
por que nunca soy suficiente