my exes get off easy when they leave because they never hear from me and while they become the muse of my poetry I pretend they exist in a different universe at times I’ve even pretended some of them were dead none of this was ever done with ill intent it’s just the only way I know how to deal with catastrophic heartbreak I’d rather close their chapter in my life indefinitely than deal with some pseudo friendship and it seems cruel and harsh In the long run, I’m doing them a favor Sparing them from me hurting them in an unexpected explosion of emotions when I can’t reign my rage in even in the end, I’m still protecting them out of respect for the love we once shared
I’ll leave an emotional stain on your life that will be hard to get rid of You’ll curse the day I was born You’ll regret the day you ever meet me because I demand respect, because I’ll never be your safe place because I’ll say “no” to being relegated to the role of mistress and you’ll accuse me of being crazy and narcissist just because I wanted to be treated with dignity just because I want to be seen as more than another girl to pass the time with
me with my emotionally supportive squad who helped me fill out my divorce paperwork- Shoutout to Meg, who took tacos for payment as she filled out most of it and gave me advice…
you’re my small town I’ve outgrown but am afraid to leave no one seems to understand this they’re concerned you’re holding me back they’re concerned staying with you stiffens my dreams and while I know they want what’s best for me and I agree with most of what they say How do I explain to them, it’s more complicated than I’ve made it out to be while you are hard to live with life without you feels almost empty and while it’s the right thing to do to end our marriage so we can move forward as a family it’s still hard to imagine a beginning without you
you love me anxious,insecure, and a hot mess and love to add fuel to my insecurities and fears to keep me with you, to control me and I try and try to break out of this toxic codependency tied up in a box of good intentions with your excuse that you know what’s best for me when it’s holding me back from realizing my potential from becoming the most powerful version of myself it makes me wonder did you ever really love me or did you choose me on purpose to build up your ego?
Got two hours of sleep last night But I still woke up with excitement in my bones Excited about a future without you Excited that you’re really gone from my life Because while I loved you and had many good times You were never going to change, and neither was I We were on the road to nowhere And now that we’re forever apart We’re on the road to somewhere Somewhere that gives us space to grow Somewhere without the pain and drama we caused each other Somewhere that brings us the peace and love we need to be authentic
He knows how to reach me in a way no one else can his tentacles are embedded in me and it’s hard to escape I’ve tried and have succeeded and felt a sense of freedom- But then His tentacles reach out and grab me it’s useless trying to free myself- He’s got a spell over My mind, my body and my soul He rules it with lips and his hands And his body– And his tentacles are encrusted deep within me– Will I ever be truly free?
She wants to stop loving him but everything in her refuses to do so
She doesn’t want to miss him but her body aches for him
He inspires a war within herself and just when she thinks she’s won the war and they are done-finite-over He comes back to her with a 2 word text and she lets him back in
These are the ingredients for emotional stability: Stay away from love at all costs Get enough sleep Write, write, write Exercise 3 times a week Stay away from love at all costs Meditate and practice mindfulness Read, read, read Spend time with my kids Call my parents Stay away from love at all costs Masturbate Listen to music to match my mood Go to therapy Cut down on alcohol Stay away from love at all costs
Old insecurities come to visit me again, they shake up my newly acquired confidence they tell me I’m not smart enough and I’ll never be truly loved They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be Otherwise I’m a waste of a person because of my bpd And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown Because I have made so much progress and have come so far Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war but it’s daunting not to let the negativity get to me So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
What’s the cost of being authentically me? not everyone will like me, lovers will run away from me I have a hard time finding someone who accepts me but it’s fine, it’s okay my worth means more to me than anyone who wants me to swallow parts of myself to accommodate to them because my self-esteem means more than acting like someone else’s dream so maybe the cost of being truly me is low compared to the parts of my true self I would lose for false friendships and false loves
mis rivales siempre son rubias quizas sera porque ellas se dejan manipular o porque a mis exes les dan paz mientras aunque yo trato de ser tranquila como ellas siempre fracaso porque soy una loba feroz en realidad nunca fui o seré una oveja que se deja dominar
Stuck in between Spanish and English is a bilingual nightmare constantly switching between languages gives me a lifelong jaqueca and at times I don’t get it right it’s switching between two identities Latina or American it gets hard and confusing at times but it’s who I am Hablo con mamá en Español I speak to my sons in English Hablo con los pacientes en Español I speak to my coworkers in English and to code switch parece una comedia I’m told that I’m fun and loud en Español pero soy profesional y reservada in English eventually I learn to meld my American and Latina personalities and I find my most authentic bilingual and bicultural identity
does a scorpion sting when fighting back? -Taylor Swift
I overthink, I overthink and I overthink and my head hurts from so much anxiety Society puts so much pressure on me to be nice, to be pretty to be kind, to be smart the stress is tearing me apart but slowly I start to breathe and the pressure starts to decrease I change the narrative And stop with listening to my inner critic Fuck societal expectations so what if I’m an aberration the only person who determines my identity is me not you, not him,not my parents and not society
Life on the BPD 