These are the ingredients for emotional stability: Stay away from love at all costs Get enough sleep Write, write, write Exercise 3 times a week Stay away from love at all costs Meditate and practice mindfulness Read, read, read Spend time with my kids Call my parents Stay away from love at all costs Masturbate Listen to music to match my mood Go to therapy Cut down on alcohol Stay away from love at all costs
Old insecurities come to visit me again, they shake up my newly acquired confidence they tell me Iβm not smart enough and Iβll never be truly loved They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be Otherwise Iβm a waste of a person because of my bpd And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown Because I have made so much progress and have come so far Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war but itβs daunting not to let the negativity get to me So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasnβt able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Hereβs that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is Iβve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and Iβve even written some funny stuff. Hereβs one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that Iβm getting better at telling a story through my poetry and hereβs an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were βgood poemsβ and Iβll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and thatβs what I posted in my blog. This shows Iβm growing as a writer as Iβm editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons Iβve grown as a writer is because Iβve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know Iβve said so many times, βI write for myself primarilyβ and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I donβt think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think Iβm just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone whoβs thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you donβt have to post it if you donβt want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, Iβm thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again Iβm better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
What’s the cost of being authentically me? not everyone will like me, lovers will run away from me I have a hard time finding someone who accepts me but it’s fine, it’s okay my worth means more to me than anyone who wants me to swallow parts of myself to accommodate to them because my self-esteem means more than acting like someone else’s dream so maybe the cost of being truly me is low compared to the parts of my true self I would lose for false friendships and false loves
Stuck in between Spanish and English is a bilingual nightmare constantly switching between languages gives me a lifelong jaqueca and at times I donβt get it right itβs switching between two identities Latina or American it gets hard and confusing at times but itβs who I am Hablo con mamΓ‘ en EspaΓ±ol I speak to my sons in English Hablo con los pacientes en EspaΓ±ol I speak to my coworkers in English and to code switch parece una comedia Iβm told that Iβm fun and loud en EspaΓ±ol pero soy profesional y reservada in English eventually I learn to meld my American and Latina personalities and I find my most authentic bilingual and bicultural identity
does a scorpion sting when fighting back? -Taylor Swift
I overthink, I overthink and I overthink and my head hurts from so much anxiety Society puts so much pressure on me to be nice, to be pretty to be kind, to be smart the stress is tearing me apart but slowly I start to breathe and the pressure starts to decrease I change the narrative And stop with listening to my inner critic Fuck societal expectations so what if Iβm an aberration the only person who determines my identity is me not you, not him,not my parents and not society
Thorny long stemmed burgundy red roses remind me of how Iβm loved The beauty of the roses is how men admire me and fall for me the burgundy red reminds me of how my heart bleeds after they leave me and the sharp thorns stab my lungs as rejection and devastation sets in
Praying for peace At times, when calm evades Trying to always be better Regardless of what others think In the best shape of her life Cause of her routined exercise In the best moment of her life And no one can stop her
Cover me up in rope and tie me up every which way you want Itβs fine, itβs okay honey, Iβm used to it by now Men and society have been tying me up since I could breathe So a real rope wonβt bring me much harm take control of me like you own me, tonight I donβt want to think Itβs not much different from the way every man in my life has treated me so do whatever you want with me and make me your ultimate rope bunny
lately I try to be a bigger person but last night was different running into you when Iβm at my hottest, when I embody the picture of an Incan goddess felt like sweet revenge, it felt like karma served to someone who made me feel small it felt like the universe smiled on me showing me once again how I am winning and that anyone whoβs fucked with me will get whatβs coming for them and while I did feel sad for you because of everything you went through I still felt like a queen, a goddess with confidence oozing from me compared to you who will never fit into the new me
I wrote this poem in March of 2023. I guess I was angry that day. Lol.
ask me how I self medicated during the height of the pandemic
Iβm still salty about how you quarantined assholes treated us essential workers looking down on us, treating us like the plague making judgy statuses about we were all subpar I hope Karma got to some of you and you didnβt just get COVID one time but you got it three or four times I hope yβall got a lifetime of insomnia and cholesterol problems you have to take pills for the rest of your pathetic lives I hope yβall got a guilty conscience and life fucked you over and over again
me on my birthday last year, this heroine spent her birthday working…
Iβm at year 42 and Iβm only getting started on my heroineβs journey Iβve learned so much about myself and my toxic patterns in year 41 I understand now how my overreactions, my need to avoid conflict my need to please were all trauma responses learned from childhood where my emotions were never validated I now hold a world of knowledge, confidence, and power within me and on year 42, I ready to act like the badass Incan Queen I make myself out to be Except this year Iβll act out of love and compassion and not out of revenge and spite even when Iβm pissed, angry at someone or at something I need to dig in deep and feel that grief instead of immediately throwing out accusations and blaming everyone but me Understand itβs me projecting my insecurities This year Iβll continue my heroineβs journey in healing and recovery but Iβll try to do it more with grace, with intent and compassion for myself and others Iβll cover myself in love from God, the universe, and my ancestors with all of that love act out of a pure and intentional energy that will continue to help grow and evolve