Your false love swallowed me into an ocean of oblivion and I almost drowned You consumed my mind with anxious thoughts of whether or not I mattered to you And thoughts of death visited me when you ignored me Feelings of worthlessness and emptiness threatened my wretched existence over and over again because of your inconsistent love But one day, I was enough by myself I didnβt need your pseudo love So I’m banishing you to the land of past lovers who never deserved the magic of my love
I feel raw with emotions Itβs like someone has ripped off the scab of an almost healed heart and itβs bleeding once again And while this time itβs not pulsating with anger and rage it still hurts like a small paper cut you canβt see but itβs still there
I wish I could be perfect to everyone in my life, the perfect mom, the perfect coparent, the perfect mistress but the pressure gets too loud within me And I need to get away from how I want to be perceived Iβll never be the perfect anything Iβm never be June Cleaver or the perfect dream girl I can only be authentically and imperfect me And maybe me and everyone in my life need to accept thatβs the best I can be
My diagnosis doesnβt define me, It empowers me, it makes sense of my nonsense Iβm not crazy or chaotic or even hard to love Iβm a dream come true wrapped up in complexity sure at times I feel like a nightmare But donβt all of us get rough at times So whoever gets scared and runs away from me Sorry not sorry, Iβm too much and youβre just not enough
I wrote this in March of 2022 for World Bipolar Day.
I wear the stigma of a bipolar diagnosis and hide this big secret This secret has been a part of me since my teens This secret explains my sometimes uncontrollable insanity This secret at times robs me of my sleep This secret has taken me on many fun and lustful adventures This secret makes me write, write, write so I donβt want to die, die, die I keep this secret and take medication for it But one day, Iβll scream out loud my mental health truth Iβm bipolar 2 Iβm not enough to ruin your life but just enough to fuck it up a little at a time
Iβm tired of the bustle and hustle that comes with my social status and the color of my skin Why wasnβt I raised with privilege and wealth instead of being raised with poverty and trauma? And I try and I try and I try to find a way out of this cruel existence but itβs futile I take pride in my never ending hustling but at times it feels so exhausting There seems to no end in sight for this fruitless fight
McKenzie Harpeβs debut collection, When Pens Became Megaphones is aptly named because of how powerful the writing is in this book. The poems in this book are passionate and compelling in examining a variety of themes. A few of the themes covered in this book are mental health, relationships, family, racism, and social injustice. . The book is divided into four sections which are, βSpeak With Yoβ Mindβ, βSpeak with Yoβ Soulβ, βSpeak with Yo Fistβ and βSpeak with Yoβ Heartβ. Harpe does not mince words or is subtle to express herself in her poetry and that is something I greatly admire. I also want to mention that the format and presentation of the book is very professional and flawless in how itβs laid out making it very appealing for the reader. I will discuss 2 poems from each section that really spoke to me.
The first section βSpeak With Yoβ Mindβ talks frankly and honestly about anxiety and the feelings that come along with it and how the poet copes. The poet presents a true understanding of how some people feel with the burden of anxious thoughts and how trying to find peace with that can feel like an uphill battle. A poem that spoke to me about dealing with anxiety was Medicine. The poem Medicine talks about the healthy coping mechanism that music can be for someone with mental health issues. This is presented in the fourth stanza with the lines βmusic is my only redemption/the only prevention/for lost hopeβ (Harpe,15) As a person with mental health issues myself, music is one of my healthiest coping mechanisms. When the world gets too βnoisyβ for me, I tend to put my earbuds in and play something to either calm me down or hype me up depending on my mood. Another poem from this section that resonated with me was Evicted. Evicted presents a picture about kicking anxiety out. This is presented when the poet states, βsee, I only came to organize/my thoughts on my hanger, /but now Iβm cleaning out more than my closet. /Iβm kicking you out, anxietyβ (Harpe,17) There is a power in that verse which shows the poet taking her power back from anxiety taking up space in her mind. As a person who also suffers from anxiety, I completely get it.
The second section pays a tribute to where the poets come from and her family. Harpe does this by talking about the women in her family as well as her friends. One poem that I especially loved was My Day Ones where she captures the ease that comes from long term friendships or connections. This is stated in the poem, βa necessary vent/ after years/of personal growth/and that vibes still the sameβ (Harpe,31) This poem resonated with me because it reminded me of the connection I have with my childhood friends from Hawaii. Weeks or months can pass by without us talking and out of the blue one of us will say something in our group chat and weβll catch up on life. Another poem I absolutely loved from this section was Auntie. It displays the resilience and strength of a woman who has breast cancer. Harpe shows this woman’s strength from the first line, βI know a woman/whoβs not afraid of monstersβ (Harpe,36). This poem resonates with me when I think about breast cancer survivors and victims of breast cancer . Another thing I like about this poem is that Harpe captures the essence of this woman going through something really harrowing in a way that respects her humanity.
The third section Harpe explores the great social injustices that have been happening and still happen in this country. Harpe does this by talking frankly and honestly about racism and white privilege. The poem Armed is one of my favorite poems in the whole book. It speaks about how words can be weapons of change. When Harpe says, βI load my pen with thoughts/the aim with precision/ spit fire on these pages/ and hope you see my vision/ this is more than just a poem (Harpe,59), she speaks the truth with how people tend to underestimate the power that artists can have when to comes to social change. This poem reminded me that one of the reasons I write is to give a voice to the marginalized immigrant community that I come from. Another poem that really resonated with me in this section was the poem The Five Senses. This poem addresses how white privilege continues to undermine and oppress minorities in this country. I was blown away by how the poet used all of five senses to do this. For example, for the sense of hearing in stanza 2, the poet states βwhat does it sound like? /hearing a native language/and calling it a threat. /yelling at minorities/to go back home/to places they never even met/like we didnβt forget/you never discovered/this country to begin with, (Harpe,66). That stanza gives me goosebumps from how powerful it is in addressing racists and calling out their hypocrisy. This part in this poem really resonated too since I have been subject to prejudice and discrimination due to my ethnicity and former immigration status.
The fourth section βSpeak with Yoβ Heartβ explores themes related to love and itβs not just centered on romantic love, but it also talks about self-love. I really resonate with the poem Dramatic. In the first stanza the poet states βwhen you date a poet/understand that your attitude/will become similes/your emotions/will become metaphors/your actions/will be the starting line/for each stanza ( Harpe,83) How true is this for many poets who will take their inspiration from their romantic relationships. Some of us even have a blog dedicated to this type of poetry (ππ). Another poem that really stood out from this section was Saving Grace. In this poem, Harpe talks about her βtoxic relationship with anxietyβ and how it has impacted her. A powerful verse in this poem was βthis time I felt sad/lonely/and nonexistent. /turns out, he had changed into this person/called depression (Harpe,93). Harpe shows how agonizing it feels like for a lot of us when our anxiety turns into depression. I also want to mention that the end of this poem was very hope and filled with faith. Once again, Harpe captures the painful truth that most of us with anxiety and depression must live with.
With her debut collection, Harpe presents an amazing talent for being open and honest about life, identity, social justice, and mental health. My only complaint about this book is that I wanted to read more. Yes, thatβs how good this poetry collection was. I donβt usually read a book in one sitting but Harpeβs writing captivated me in such a way that I couldnβt put it down. I highly recommend this book for anyone who likes poetry thatβs inspiring and empowering. I look forward from reading more from this poet. Below is a link to When Pens Become Megaphones
I fell into the trap of βacceptanceβ not understanding I was slowly losing parts of myself for the sake of fitting in, for the sake of other people who loved to judge me accept that youβre too fat to wear that bikini accept that youβre too old to chase your dreams accept that youβre too hard to love it took me too long to figure out the acceptance of others was costing me my sanity and my self worth and I said, βfuck your opinions on who I should beβ from now on, Iβll wear whatever I want, Iβll chase my dreams, and Iβll always be worthy of loveβ
picture of how it feels of when I’m asked “what’s your bra size?”
What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
I hate it when men ask me, βwhatβs your bra size?β itβs like my bust-line invites unwanted and sexist questions and comments about my body and it makes me want to throw up and write about them violently because out of all of the questions in the world to ask ME, a mother, a public health worker, a grocery store clerk, an immigrant, a Peruvian, an American, a friend, a poet, a blogger, a woman, a PERSON- they choose to ask me an awkward question about my body- I used to entertain them and tell them while laughing uncomfortably holding in my disgust and anger for them but now I either ignore them, call them out, or block them my boobs or any part of my body are no longer up for the objectification of others
Lately i reach out to God and the stars to comfort me and reassure me Lately i embrace the universe and the sun for faith and warmth Lately I look in the mirror for the definition of strength and resilience Lately I write my love story filled with the wonders and horrors of love
I wrote this poem in December of 2021. I was kind of angry. Lol.
performing this poem at open mic in October of 2022
Letβs hashtag the fuck out of our imperfect perfect lives smile for the camera but make it look candid this is for instagram after all- we want to present an image of authenticity Authentic needs to look put together and balanced there can be no cracks in our suburban realities no one wants to see tears and frowns letβs continue to act like modern clowns except our lipsticks presents a false smile that hides our misery inside and letβs add a witty caption that spells out live,laugh, love and hashtags about #momlife,#gratitude, and #bestlifeever depression, sadness, and anger has no room in our modern world where we pretend to be perfectly imperfect moms and wives with these amazing and perfect lives letβs continue the facade of authenticity even as we burn inside and want to die we are not just okay but we are fucking fabulous so honey continue to smile for that selfie even as the expectations of modern womanhood continues to burn us all up
My solitude comforts me and completes me this much tranquility is a gift I thought being alone meant wearing a misery crown Instead I found serenity and calm I found a love I thought was impossible self compassion and self love fill the void within to care only for myself is a blessing And I need to stay like this for a while anything else feels too draining being alone feels like the ultimate prize in this beautiful thing called life
Last day of 40 and it feels like the longest year of my life My 4th decade started with the miracle of what I thought was true love But nope-it was another story of disillusionment and loss growth and progress became the theme in my 40th year I beat a 15 year driving phobia and made art from heartbreak and trauma and Iβm no longer scared to live my truth out loud with my family, friends, and my online community I also learned I was enough and complete by myself and never needed someone to validate my existence And as year 40 closes,Iβm amazed by my creativity and resilience and how time and time again I turn my trauma and grief into the ultimate comeback story For year 41,I hope to continue to thrive with calm and tranquility and enjoy the magic I found within