I wrote this is 2006 in for my creative writing class. I wrote thinking about my sexuality when I was a teenager. I was hypersexual from a young age.
me in 2006-around the time I wrote this poem
She was an adult like sixteen years old Hormones racing like the speed of light These were bitter enemies of the cold Powerful sensations she had to fight Had the body of a mature woman But the maturity of one she lacked But still she chose a stranger man He told her quickly “Lie on your back.” She was swiftly incapacitated Gone forever, her norms and behavior As her callow body palpitated With her lengthy new found pleasure And this was the unforeseen joyous end Of her already dying innocence
From the ages of 18 to 23, I worked for a government agency as an interpreter. I was well-liked by many of my coworkers and my first supervisor was appreciative of me. I was very good at my job and even cross-trained in many other areas that didn’t “pertain to my job”. However, at that job, I was also bullied and discriminated against for being Latina. I was also slut-shamed by my second supervisor and coworkers the latter 2 years I was there. I don’t want to say I deserved being slut-shamed but I’ll just say that I trusted the wrong coworkers with my private life and they went on to gossip about me to everyone. It was also a very stressful environment because of the work I did and clients I had to interact with. My depression and anxiety went haywire. In 2003, I decided to enroll in my local community college and major in English. In 2004, I was trying to go to school full time, work full time, and deal with my child’s new autism diagnosis. I was breaking down mentally and something had to give so I quit this job. I was fucking done. And this poem was inspired by that moment. I thought I had processed this trauma until it came back up in therapy in the summer of 2021. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had suffered a deep racial trauma that impacted me and still triggered reactions in me. I was angry. There is actually way more to this story and one day I’ll share it when I’m ready.
So much anxiety and depression hidden behind that smile 😭
I wrote this in September of 2001, probably about a one night stand. It’s amazing how great sex fucks with my brain. Lol.
I saw myself last night In a sea of the most passionate lovemaking of my life It was like your body Knew me like an old friend Even though we just met 2 nights ago
I wrote this on January 1st, 2003 about this dude that I hooked up with a week prior. I was upset about John and of course wanted to escape from my feelings of rejection. So I started once again seeking validation from men and ended up hooking up with some guy from the bar.
So true
The night I met you I was drunk and blue Because of that impossible love Who said I wasn’t good enough So I decided to drink my pain away and then you came my way With your charming and smooth manner I should’ve known you were a player But you told me everything That I wanted to believe in How you had never met anyone like me And that you wanted us to be It sound almost too good to be true But i was feeling lonely too So i decided to give in to you Afterwards you promised to call But instead you went awol And many days later I sit here In a river of foolish tears Wondering why why why I always fall for the same false lines
I wrote this in 2019 when I was reflecting about the way men have often objectified in a way thatthey almost always seem to just want the fun and sexy part of me but seem to often have problems seeing the rest of me. I’ve almost always felt like I’ve been good enough to be their lover but never good enough to be introduced to their mother. Do I still feel this way? I honestly don’t know. I like the attention and validation I get from men because of my looks but sometimes it feels so hollow.
Often men want this girl…the ones that’s always down for a “good” timeBUT run away from this one….the other girl …the vulnerable one that has a realness hard to accept
I wrote this in April 2002 after sleeping with Lucas for the first time. This situation was fucked up and crazy for many reasons but that’s another story time blog post. Let’s just say that I’m not great at making the best life choices at times.
Anais is not wrong
I finally fucked the forbidden married man It was good, it was great it was wonderful It was a heaven full of ecstasy It was dirty, it was shameful it was ugly It was a hell full of guilt
I wrote this in November of 2002. November was such a chaotic month that year that I don’t remember who wrote this about. I think it was probably a one night stand that I had a connection with. It’s obvious that I read way too much into the situation than I should have.
Oh it does
My mind tries to forget Everything that happened last night But my heart puts up a fight My mind tells me it’s wrong and a mistake But my heart yells that it wasn’t just sex But it was also fate My mind considers it a lost cause but my heart finds a love feeling once lost
For the thirsty Thursday before Valentine’s Day, I have a sexy playlist for y’all. I’m a very sensual person which should be obvious from reading my blog. I’ve have had different types of sex from one night stands to FWBs to bdsm partners to longterm romantic partners. I’m not in any way ashamed of my sexual adventures. I’mactually proud of my versatility in my sexual adventures that I’ve had for more than 2 decades. It’s one of the perks of my BPD, my hypersexuality. The way I see it, when I get to be an old woman in my 90’s I won’t regret looking back on my life wishing I had tried a certain sexual experience because chances are I’ve probably tried it. Now, have I been slut shamed and judged for my adventurous sex life? Oh yeah, I’ve been slut shamed many, many times since I started having sex and as recently as last year. I could write more about slut shaming but that’s another blog post. Sex for me is one of the best things in life. And I’m not just talking with a partner;I’m also talking about sexy self love with your plastic boyfriend from Amazon (aka your vibrator) and a fantasy in mind. This playlist can be played while you’re fucking or making love to your partner or masturbating. It could be played whether you feel like a sensual princess or a seductive Queen.In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…not everybody does it but everybody should”. Also, as someone that works for Public Health, I will tell you to get tested for STI/HIV on a regular basis if you are sexually active and always, always use protection.
Mood: Sensual PrincessMood: Seductive Queen
The ones in bold really get me going:
Dress -Taylor Swift PILLOWTALK-Zayn Need You Tonight-INXS Anywhere-112 Trumpets-Jason Derulo Earned It -The Weekend I Touch Myself -Divinyls Come and Talk to Me-Jodeci Any Time, Any Place- Janet Jackson Doin’ It-LL Cool J God is a woman-Ariana Grande Whip Appeal-Babyface Good For You-Selena Gomez I’ll Make Love To You-Boyz II Men Heaven-Julia Michaels Lights Down Low-MAX Red Light Special-TLC Sexual Healing-Marvin Gaye I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd Leave The Door Open-Bruno Mars I Want Your Sex-George Michael Like a Prayer- Madonna Freak Like Me-Adina Howard WAP-Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion Love You Down-Ready For The Word
I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.
it’s still hard tho
After making love to him I lie awake in his arms And the only thought that crosses thru my mind is that “I want to stay here With you my love”
But even wishing something like that Would be violated by our complicated lives And maybe even regretful sacrifices
So I lie in bed in a life that is anything but the truth and wonder to myself
If to you, I will ever be worth more Than just your special friend
I wrote this in September of 2001, I guess I was frustrated with dating because it sucked getting stuck in relationships I had no business being in. Half the time, I did it to not be lonely but then I found myself miserable.
the magic is in you
A Liberal Kind of Love
Holding hands and kisses on the cheeks is what we are no longer about
Hot and sweaty bodies fucking with a goodbye note in the morning is now our nature
Respect, honesty, and trust are long forgotten words
Deception, disillusionments and selfishness are now our sacred words
I wrote this about my ex Juan in the year 2000.Juan was an interesting character. I met him in October of 1999 while I was working at a gas station. We dated from October to December. He was either super charismatic or I was super dumb. We had fun. Since we lived with our parents, we had to be creative as to where we would have sex. I remember one time we had sex at work during my shift on my boss’ desk. Lol. However, Juan also conned me out of almost $3000 I had saved up saying his family needed the money. I hated myself afterwards. I also cheated on him with Sam. Anyways, Juan ghosted me in December and tried to come back sometime around January or February of the next year. I agreed to meet him because I was interested in getting my money back. Well, I got in his car and while he was driving around my neighborhood, he kept trying to put his hand in between my legs. I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop and kept getting more aggressive. Idk how but eventually I gathered my strength and anger and elbowed him in the crotch and managed to get out of the moving car. I never heard from him again. I should have been traumatized from that incident but I wasn’t. I think that while I was in the car with him, I was more pissed than scared of him. Looking back at this incident, it feels crazy that this didn’t affect me.
Me and Juan in November of 99Not a lie…lol
My dear amor How can I tell you? That I no longer love you How can I hurt you? By saying that all of the extraordinary feeling I once felt have gone and faded away from my heart and soul It’s not that I’ve falling in love with someone new It’s just that our special bond has been broken in two When you use to kiss me I used to think I was in heaven Now I just feel empty So sorry to say, but baby you’re fired
I wrote this in 1997 after a really strange situation after a hookup. So I hooked up with this guy I met off the internet and he was 19 and in the Air Force. Well it turned out that his girlfriend (a freshman) went to the high school I went to and she found out and confronted me about it. I had so many feelings of shame and guilt. Looking back on it, this dude was a predator dating/hooking up high school girls. Ick!
me in 1997 when this poem was writter
You thought it would be fun To use me as a hit and run Thought you would never see me again You thought it was great Just to use me to mate Thought you wouldn’t hurt anyone You thought no one would find out about our little love bout Thought it would be fine After you crossed that thin line Between friendship and something more Little would I know How much it would hurt me so To let you take me away In your warm embrace Little would I see How bad you would be for me to be led by your persuasion into your lust filled creation
I wrote this in 2000 about Sam. He was my FWB for over year and of course I developed feelings for him. I also felt guilt and shame because I was the “other woman” during that entire time. I also kept sleeping with him even though I was suppose to be a few “monogamous” relationships during that time. Maybe that’s why I have trust issues. I know how shitty and dishonest people can be because I’ve been shitty and dishonest myself. I also have this habit for falling for people I have no business falling for.
My friend Sam I like having you as my special friend I like it when we get together and we have wild and crazy sex You make me feel better than when I’m with him I suppose that it’s because it’s just sex The more I’m with you, the more i look into that beautiful ocean I call your eyes, the more I hear the achy familiar sound of your voice when you answer the phone,the more tender kisses you give me all over, I’m falling in a dangerous Situation here, the lust that I’m suppose to be feeling for you is now falling into this deeper emotion called love I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t supposed to happen I know that you belong to another and I know she’s the one you love and to you I’m nothing more than a warm body to warm you up at your convenience This is why I have to leave you my special friend Sam I can’t stand hearing your heys of feeling your tender kisses all over my body and just tonight I’m all yours but tomorrow forget I ever existed in your life With this my friend I say goodbye and I hope you live happily ever after with the love of your life
I wrote this in November of 1999 after I met Sam, this guy who ended up being my FWB for almost a year. We hooked up that first night in his car. He was honest about being in a relationship but Idk…I guess hormones took over. Lol.
Honestly…I’m really not responsible. Lol.
I can’t stop thinking About how our bodies started linking Movie, dinner, a walk under the stars I never thought our date would go so far You told me you had someone in Miami I knew you were suppose to be off limits to me But once I felt your delicious kiss I knew I could no longer resist So I surrendered myself To the lust I felt
Life on the BPD 