This was my response to prompt #31: One word to describe your year
It’s hard but always well worth it
Growth was uncomfortable and made me want to crawl out of my skin I had to acknowledge my own toxicity and take accountability I stopped blaming my parents or exes for my sadness and angst I held up a mirror to myself and recognized it was me holding myself back I was the worst villain in my story and never the victim I chose to turn this story around and confront my trauma head on, write my demons out-embrace my self-imposed solitary confinement, throw out my self invalidation, learn self compassion In order to evolve into a person of value and worth I let go of anything unhealthy and make sacrifices by giving up my self-destructive vices Growth could only happen in solitude and embracing radical honesty
This is in response to prompt #22:Something all people should know
me reading this poem out loud at open mic
stop allowing the world tell you who you should be embrace who are with all of your imperfections being “flawless ”is a lie sold to us by a consumerist society who uses our insecurities for profit– the countless anti aging creams catered to women of a certain age even more weight loss shakes and gimmicks targeted at everyone feeding us a false narrative that if we are skinnier or younger we’ll somehow be an almost perfect ideal of human be whoever you need be to fit your own brand of happy everything else is bullshit
This was my response to prompt #24: Your Top Priority
I am the ONE
I build the life of my dreams through discipline and hard work while I appreciate everything I have at this moment even the minor annoyances and especially the moments of calm and silence I’m no longer relegating myself to a side character or a side chick or a passenger in my life I’m writer, the master, the driver of the life I’m creating
I was never the marrying kind Don’t know why I forced myself into that line Maybe because of society’s expectations I made marriage my destination But it wasn’t really who I ever was Forever is not meant to be in my book of love But still I tried for seven years And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear I felt trapped in a cage of my own making Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking But it was never truly me Living this suburban reality And one day I wanted to sleep forever My mind collapsed from society’s pressure to continue this facade of being the perfect wife With my perfectly imperfect life My authenticity I had to put aside I’m a wife and mother of three There’s no such thing as being free But these were the lies I told myself The critic in me I learned to quell I learned I could be a mother but not a wife My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride There would no more anniversaries We were done with self imposed forgeries And a new chapter started with us One full of laughter, friendship and familial love
This is my response to prompt #11: A goal you reached
I know my worth..now fuck off 🤣🤣🤣
Getting rid off my self imposed chains of insecurity and doubt I no longer give any fucks-I no longer hold back I announce my arrival when I drive, when I make love, and when I blog I’m liberated from the chaos I used to cause and have accepted sometimes an attention whore or an introvert and it’s okay to swing between both as long as I honor my truth and know my worth
This is my response to prompt #14: What did you think you’d be when you grew up
me in November of this year right before the Taylor Swift dance party in town
When I imagined my happily ever after- it never looked like my current reality a mother of 3 with 2 jobs, on the brink of divorce, with 5 mental health diagnosis and yet, I stand here with contentment in my heart and appreciation for the life I’m living I may not have grown up to live the life I envisioned but I’m still proud of who I’ve become
In honor of Taylor Swift’s Birthday, I decided to share my favorite Taylor Swift songs! I didn’t become a Swiftie until last winter when Red (Taylor’s Version) came out. Maybe it was because it was such an emotional time for me but I cried when I watched the “All Too Well” video the first time and the second time when I made my three kids watch the video with me. My youngest son unwittingly knows the lyrics to “Anti-Hero” and “Karma” because some days, I blast Swift from Alexa and my record player. I don’t think you get the full Swiftie experience unless you listen to her on vinyl. Also, in November, I spontaneously found myself at a Taylor Swift Dance Party and it was beyond amazing. I’ve included a short clip of it at the bottom. Anyways, this playlist includes what I consider the best of her work and music that’s gotten me through some of my toughest times or has uplifted me in some way. I hope y’all enjoy it:
the day that Red(Taylor’s Version) came out
Anti-Hero Blank Space Begin Again All Too Well (The 10 Minute Version) Karma Enchanted My Tears Ricochet Death By a Thousand Cuts Dress Vigilante Shit Right Where You Left Me Delicate Better Than Revenge The Lakes Afterglow The 1 Long Story Short Mastermind Closure Maroon The Way I Loved You This Love Call It What You Want Champagne Problems I Bet You Think About Me Hoax Midnight Rain Back to December Clean Mad Woman This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things Style Bejeweled
Below is a link to my Taylor Swift spotify playlist for your listening pleasure:
Below is a short video I made of the Taylor Swift Party I went to in November, it was so much fun! I love how I’m just exuding happiness and joy in this video, it’s a complete turnaround from who I was last year:
I never said I was a singer but I was tipsy and having the time of my life…lol
Patience eludes me I want to run and jump to the next chapter of my life the chapter where I’m the victor and not the victim the chapter where I’m a winner and not a failure but I need to appreciate the journey and accept that the bumps along the way Help me savor the next chapter full of victories and maybe even love Patience is a necessary virtue for the growth and progress necessary for the next chapter
This was my response to prompt #21: Advice you’d give to someone else your age
shine brightly my friends
Don’t wait until you’re the perfect weight, or you’re satisfied professionally, or you’re swimming in wealth learn to love yourself now, find meaning within to be happy, fall in love with your life and take dozens and dozens of photos of your newfound joy don’t let someone’s else energy interfere remember you are the one who determines your destiny it’s up to you to not waste it
The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:
I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.
I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:
I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.
I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.
The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:
Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.
Excited about what the 11th year of Blogging will bring
This is my response to prompt #10: One thing you could not give up
Don’t ask me to give up writing….EVER
You might as well do radical lobotomy before you make me give up writing You’d be asking me to give up one of the things I most love– my creativity with poetry and prose brings me purpose and meaning on my good days and helps me stay alive on my bad days so if you ever ask me to give up my paper and pen Understand you’d be asking for my slow death
There is a certain magic in nature I forget about Feeling the wind in your face running while listening to my favorite song It reminds me what a gift it is to be alive
Observing the miniature toad in the creek that hasn’t been washed away by the many harsh elements around it; It gives me hope I too can survive the really hard times,
Smelling the rain before a storm,there will be a rainbow after it that is how life is, there are better times after the worst of times
This is my response to prompt #5: Something you know something a lot
where is my honorary degree tho?
Where is my honorary degree in my BPD recovery ? I’ve read more books than I’ve cared to- I’ve acknowledged more toxic patterns than I wanted to- And I’m almost an expert at DBT But I still have days when I think it’s all bullshit I still have times I miss the chaos in my life so I know I still have a long way to go in this journey and it’s needed to fulfill my potential I need to let go of anything that caused me harm and say goodbye to who I once was Thanks to this recovery journey I’m self aware, I’m full of self compassion, I’m going to become the best version of myself
This was my response to prompt #3: How are you working towards your goals
so true
Consistency and routine are staples in my life they help me grow and thrive I’m outgrown the chaos and adrenaline rushes I used to find myself in- it held me back and made me stagnant I finally understood the importance of a boring and quiet life it is needed to make my dreams a reality it is essential for my serenity and peace
Life on the BPD 