I wrote this poem in June of 2022.
Do I sabotage every love dream
because I’m insane and have BPD?
Or is it the men I pick who easily give up on me
when they can’t save me
Maybe I’ll put this love thing on hold for a while
to enjoy my newfound tranquility-
to focus on my emotional stability
because every time I try to love someone
I end up fucking things up
And it’s not fair to me or them
to make them love an emotional and reckless trainwreck
who never knows when she’s gonna break
Consorting with this newfound empowerment is overwhelming and lonely at times
I finally understand that never again do I have to depend on a man for anything-
and I breathe a huge sigh of relief
I no longer use them to determine my worth based on whether any of them
pay attention to me
I no longer use them for validation and no longer make myself small
for their ego
I now determined my own self worth and this is the moment I’ve been waiting for
since the age of 15
What notable things happened today?
I wrote this poem in June of 2022.
Could you spare me some validation and affection,
so I can feel like a real person?
I thrive on the love and attention of lovers
I don’t know how to feel whole or enough by myself
And admitting it is so embarrassing
But wait, don’t go…
Fuck it! I’m done with this life of dishonesty
here comes my brutal truth-sorry if it bothers you
but I’m done reigning it in for the comfort of others
I’m clingy and melodramatic with emotional warts and all
and even though my truth scares off everybody
At least now I’m free to embrace and love the real me
I wrote this poem in June of 2022.
I warn potential lovers about me
about how crazy I can be
about how I fall in love easily
but they never seem to listen
and fill me up with adoration
and don’t proceed with caution
Instead I’m placed on a pedestal
Where they professed their love
That’s when I feel the pressure
of being everything they want
So they think I’m really the one
and their love will last long
but eventually I break down
in my emotions I start to drown
They’ll say, I thought you were healed
You’re so damn crazy
They see me as an atrocity
And once again I’m tragically crushed
By another temporary and fickle love
Who can’t handle me at my worst
Aqui esta la version en Espanol:
Poesia: Tardes Remordimientos
remorse and guilt eat him up inside
thinking of everything that could have been
the family he could have had
if only he hadn’t allowed his fear and pride
control him and make him choose safety
over an unknown destiny he still wonders about
I wrote this poem in January of this year
My lack of worth of self-esteem allowed me to accept
not even the bare minimum from lovers
as long as they showed any interest in me,
any sign of wanting me, I’d give them my energy
made them the muse of my poetry
put them on a pedestal where I worshiped them like a deity
and made what I mistook for love my religion
thought each one was the one because of my inability to find self-love
it was the version of me who thought the world began and ended
with the love of a man
It was the version of me who didn’t know that alone
I had always been whole, I had always been enough
I wrote this poem in June of 2022.
My therapist said my diagnosis makes it hard to sustain relationships
and I believe it wholeheartedly
because my love data shows me many times
anything involving love and lust crashes and burns
because my romantic history is full of unhealthy and toxic patterns
so now I avoid anything resembling feelings of intimacy
I value my emotional stability too much
to once again lose my sanity to another love that’s temporary
Here’s the English version of this poem:
Why Insist?
Pero, porque insistes en algo que nunca será
y querer arruinar nuestra amistad
estas perdiendo tu tiempo halagandome
tratando de conquistarme
porque siempre te considere un amigo, un hermano
tratando de ser algo más sería una falta de respeto
a la relación dulce y pura que tenemos
Here is the English Version of this poem:
Poetry: To My Baby Daddy
mis palabras te caeran como un balde de agua fría
pero tengo que desahogarme-no puedo seguir tragándome
tanto dolor y rencor
quiero que te olvides de él, por favor-
tu presencia causa conflicto y confusión
tu presencia abre una herida del cual yo recién me estaba curando
además los dos sabemos que no vienes para quedarte para siempre
solo estas aquí para limpiar tu conciencia que no te deja dormir
y te llena de remordimientos retrasados
I wrote this poem in June of 2022.
my doubts, my fears, my insecurities
should pay rent for the immense space
they take up in my mind
they crowd me and make me question
my worth on my low days
they show up with intrusive thought saying
I’m not good enough
or I don’t deserve my wonderful life
my doubts, my fears, my insecurities
Constantly try to bring me down
and sometimes even my affirmations
aren’t enough
Here is the English version of this poem:
Poetry: Thoughts
regresas para decirme que no puedes parar de pensar en mi
que todavía me extrañas, que cometiste un error al rompernos
y todo lo que alguna vez sentí por ti vuelve a la superficie
y quiero cerrar los ojos y correr a tus brazos
y empezar un nuevo cuento de amor contigo
pero la razón interviene, y mi dignidad regresa
al acordarme del infierno que viví cuando te fuiste
y te digo
“perdoname, pero no puedo cometer el mismo error denuevo”
,
I wrote this in June of 2022.
On thursdays, I cry and cry because the loneliness gets to me
because I want to belong to somebody, anybody
because being an independent woman gets exhausting
but then I remember I’m incompatible with love
And by myself I’m enough
and a relationship feels like handcuffs
But then on Fridays, a sliver of hope walks into my DMs
And a random man fills me up with compliments
And I almost forget how love is a torment
and I almost find hope again thanks to instagram
Here is the English version of this poem:
Poetry: Inspiring
ni siquiera se tu apellido
pero ya estas sacando la poeta
que vive en mi
ni siquiera se tu cumpleaños
pero ya sueño contigo
ni siquiera se donde vives
pero tu ya ocupas un espacio
en mi corazón
I wrote this poem in May of 2022.
To the one who stay to love me
Thank you, thank you, thank you
I know I’m not always easy to deal with
I know my brand of crazy doesn’t always
bring out the best of me
I know that my anger makes me a monster sometimes
But you’ve stayed and dealt with it the best way you could
Either calling me out when I’m dramatic
or expressing your concern when I’m salty or impulsive
The sense of community you’ve given me
feels like my life’s remedy
You’ve never asked me to change
and really love and accept me
Life on the BPD 