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Poetry: I’m Sorry

I wrote this in November of 2001 after the “great Breakup” of that year. I lost count of how many poems I wrote about the breakup but it’s crazy to me since that relationship only lasted a month. Lol. I am however grateful for a creative spell I had afterwards.

My mood when I wrote this poem

I’m sorry for the boy that you are
And the man that you’ll never be

I’m sorry for falling in love with you
And learning that your “I love you’s” were not true

I’m sorry for every girl that ever fell under your trap
and not seeing past your Mr.Nice Guy act

I’m sorry for making love to an illusion
And not seeing past the delusion

I’m sorry you’ll never be able to feel my despair
And that you’ll never care

I’m sorry for all of the tears I had to cry
After learning you were nothing more than a lie

But most of all I’m sorry for the day you walked into my life
And for being nothing more than a waste of time

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poetry:could I dream you into existence?

I wrote this poem in October of 2022.

stay strong Queen-he’s out there

you wear many faces, sometimes you have dark hair
sometimes you have blond hair
but you always take me in your arms
and make me feel loved and accepted for who I am
you don’t care that I’m too crazy or too much
It’s a type of excitement, an almost adrenaline rush for you
and if I annoy you-you’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous
but apologize right after I burst into tears
and you’re not afraid of my tears or screams
because you know it comes with the territory
when it comes to loving me
and then I wake up-
in my self imposed solitary confinement
and I wonder if this dream could one day come into existence
like my other dreams
or it it will become another fulfilled fantasy
Because love stories aren’t meant for someone crazy like me

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Poetry: The Liar

I wrote this in 1997 about my oldest son’s bio dad after he ghosted me. I was quite salty about it. Lol. You can tell that I had that black and white thinking down pat at this point.

me in 1998 when I wrote this poem

I believed you when you told me
you love me
How wrong could I have been?
What a fool I have been?
To believe on all of the promises
and all of those wonderful words you told me
How could you have so cruel as to use our lovemaking
to use me for other interests
But most of all, how could you make me fall in love with you?
And now it hurts to know you never really loved me
You were just playing with my heart and mind
the whole time
I guess your heart must be made of ice and you must be numb
You were never that good in bed anyways

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Poem: Rebound Chick

I wrote this in November of 2001 after “the great breakup” of that year. To say I was pissed is an understatement. I don’t even know if angry is a strong enough word to accurately describe what I was feeling after that breakup. LOL.

You two were made for each other

like the sun was made to be hot

to you i was just another new toy

to play with 

but once the newness wore off

you decided to go back 

your comfortable teddy bear

unfortunately old habits

are hard to break

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Poetry: Lust at First Sight

I wrote this in December of 1997 about my oldest son’s father. I guess the night I write about in this poem was probably the night my son was conceived.

This is another poem related to that situation:

https://rejectingstagnationafter.wordpress.com/?p=1553

me in 1997 before meeting my first baby daddy

7 O’clock came and you were there
To pick me up from from work
My feet hurt
So you carried me to the car
You drove me to your home
And took me to your room
Your friends were there
we waited until they left
you put on some music
And we danced
And as our bodies swayed to the music
Your hands played with my body like an instrument
you had learned on master on the first try
They knew how to touch all of the right places
That sent wild shivers throughout my whole body
Clothes started to become undone
And were on the floor in a matter of minutes
we danced with our heated bodies as they longed to become whole

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Poem: Racist Jerk

So I wrote this poem in 2000 when ex my boyfriend Mike said something super racist about immigrants knowing I was an immigrant myself. Talk about cognitive dissonance. Lol. He also had a super nice red sports car….and yes he was making up for something. Haha. Looking back, the dating pool in the hick town I was living in was super limited. I honestly can’t say that this had to anything to do with me over reacting because of BPD…this dude was just an ignorant asshole.

My new boyfriend
What you said really hurt
I never thought you were a racist jerk
I don’t know if I can get past your words
Staying with you would only make it worst
With time I could become like you
And to tell you the truth
That scares me to death
So now I wish we never met
And that I didn’t have to tell you this
I hope I won’t be missed
I wish you a good life
I hope one day you become wise

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Poem: That Special Key

Para la version en Espanol:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/07/06/poesia-la-llave-especial/

This was one of the first poems I wrote in 1996 so I was 15. I didn’t realize then that I would always use writing as a way to process my many, many feelings after breakups. I also want to mention that this breakup of 1996 is the one that I mention in my other blog post :

A New Diagnosis: BPD

another related poem is this one:

Poetry: Another Mate

I sometimes wonder what went wrong
Was it you not telling me “I love you” just that one time
Or was it me and my wanting to have you all the time
Sometimes I get pissed
Wondering why I did that or this
Or maybe I couldn’t understand
If only you gave a damn
And even though it’s been a long time
And even though we’ve gone our separate ways
My love for you still hasn’t fade away
It still grows with each passing day
And even though it can never go back to how it use to be
You’ll always hold that special key

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Poetry: I Still Love You

I wrote this in 1999 about ex. I’m not sure which ex this was about to be honest. Lol. I guess I was just feeling both nostalgic and super salty at the time.

me in 1999 around the time I wrote this poem…lol

I still love you
I don’t know why
I guess you were one of the few
I was proud to call my special guy
Or maybe you were the first one I was with
To give me that special gift
By loving me the way you did
You never made me feel like a little kid
But then she came
And to you I became
A thing of the past
That came and went by fast
But still I wish
You wouldn’t have met that bitch
Because I know
You wouldn’t have let me go

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Poetry: Losing My Mind

I wrote this in November of 2001. It was of course about what I thought was the most horrible breakup of my life. Lol.

I’m losing my mind

Learning your promises were just false lines

Your love meant so much to me 

I guess this means no anniversaries

I just couldn’t handle

When I got that infamous call

Especially when she had to say

That you had gone her way

And you had given away my hugs and kisses

You destroyed all of my innermost wishes

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Poetry: That Night

I wrote this poem about my oldest son’s dad about the night I met him. I was obviously infatuated right away as 16 year olds tend to be. He was 21 and I was 16 and that situation was really predatory but at that time, I didn’t think nothing of it.

That night
You took my sweaty hands into yours
And my heart started beating fast and furiously

That night
I looked into your sincere and beautiful brown eyes
And knew that you were for real

That night
You put your arms around me
And made everything seemed possible

That night
You kissed me gently
And worked your way up to my lips

That night
You professed your love to me
And made time stand still

That night
I found what I was looking for
In your arms, that night

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Poetry: To the One Who Claimed to Love Me

I wrote this in the summer of 2019 during a break from “C”. I think that during this break, I thought we were really done and I was super salty about it.

Me in the Summer of 2019

To the one that claimed to love me

I was yours, you had me

But you decided to dispose of me

I wrote poetry about you

Thinking your feelings were true

But my feelings, you made fun of

By claiming you felt love

You treated me like a barbie doll

And you told me over and over and over again

I love you

When your words should have been 

I love fucking you

You claimed to not be “that guy”

Yet you almost made me want to die

You claimed to be different

But you turned out to be the same

Asshole man 

You claimed I was the only one

But I was one of many you used for fun

You acted like you cared 

You wore your lies well

And now that our lust filled 

Fiasco is done

I still don’t regret that I was the one

Who loved you honestly, genuinely,

Purely-

And you blew your chance 

At ever having me

You were a hard lesson to learn 

And I was the girl 

You weren’t ready for 

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Poetry: Merry Go Round of Fuckery

I wrote this in the summer of 2019 about C when we were on another break. Thinking back on this period in my life when I would get so mad about him ghosting again and again and going back to him again and again feels so strange now. I don’t feel like the same person that wrote this.

me in the summer of 2019

We’re back here once again

You ghost, you ignore, you abandon

And I beg you to come back

It’s our merry go round of fuckery

I’m mad,I’m sad, I’m done

I’m finally almost recovered 

From you-

Trying to forget you, mourning you,

 Accepting you’re gone –

And then a text from you

It’s our merry go round of fuckery

Crying, writing, running

Each day it gets easier

Learning to forget you

But then, a “how are you”

Appears on my phone

It’s our merry go round of fuckery

Will you ever go away?

Am I always going to be this insane?

When will I get off from 

   Our merry go round of fuckery?

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Poetry: My Bad Habit

I wrote this about C. in the late summer of 2020 after we were yet on another break. I guess the sex really made me obsess over him.

me in the summer of 2020

I can’t turn my body off 

From wanting you

Even if you make my heart blue

You take up space in my brain

Even when you bring me so much pain

Why does lust make me so blind?

You are my obsession 

Even after your devastation

You show up in my dreams

I wish you didn’t exist 

I wish there was a spell

To forget how you made me melt 

I’m sure that time

Will make your memory fade

And will time

make me heal from 

The experience of you 

I just wish that time

Would speed up so that

You were only a distant memory

That I already learned to forget

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Poetry: Another Girl

I wrote this in 2001 after experiencing a really bad break up. Break ups tend not just break my heart but also make question my self worth. It’s really hard for me to get over someone especially if I get super attached to that person. In this case, I had been with the dude for like 2 months and I guess thought that maybe he was “the one”. Well that wasn’t the case when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. At least it inspired dozens and dozens of poems. Lol.

You make me feel like shit

and it’s breaking me bit by bit

I don’t know what to do 

Knowing you love someone new

I feel so helpless

I’ve become such a big mess

and now seeing you and her

I see now that I was just another girl