I wrote this in January of 2003 but I’m not sure who I wrote this about. Haha.
truth
I think you should know I want to take things slow I donβt want to rush And end up again a lush I want to know you Before kissing you I want us to be friends Before getting intense Youβre going to have to understand Before becoming my man I want it to be true And not just lust
I wrote this 20 years ago on November 1st right before the great breakup of 2001. I wish I could say that I get over breakups quicker now but that would be a lie. After fights or breakups with partners, I seem to always go back to the girl I was in my teens and 20s. My brain is wired that way and I’ve accepted it. It’s something called age regression that shows up in people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Fear of abandonment is so severe that some of us will feel like we are literally dying after a breakup. Some of us will stop eating, some of us will sleep for days, some of will self harm or have suicidal ideation. With each breakup, I’ve noticed I’ve acquired healthier coping mechanisms. Nowadays, I’ve learned to listen more to what I need in order to heal than what doing what I used to do to escape the pain of heartbreak. My method now is cut off all contact with the ex, exercise, write a LOT and do loads of self care. I’m careful not to fall into any quick escapes from my feelings like going on tinder and trying to find someone new. Do I think I will ever get better at accepting a breakup like a normal person? I don’t know but I hope so.While I’m thankful for all of the inspiration and growth that comes from every breakup ;it’s also very overwhelming, exhausting and draining at times.
β€β€β€
You showed up unexpectedly in my life Like a pleasant surprise Calling and seeing me every day Making me dinner and leaving me roses on my dashboard I thought βfinally, the one has comeβ Suddenly all of those nice things started becoming scarce The dinners, the roses, seeing me became non-existent Even talking to you on the phone has become too much of a bother of you Iβm no fool, I know exactly where this doomed thing is headed Pretty soon youβll give me some lame excuse As to why βweβ can no longer be And my heart will shatter into pieces yet again There will be nothing left to say Iβll just realize once again Youβre just like every other fool
I wrote this on January 1st, 2003 about this dude that I hooked up with a week prior. I was upset about John and of course wanted to escape from my feelings of rejection. So I started once again seeking validation from men and ended up hooking up with some guy from the bar.
So true
The night I met you I was drunk and blue Because of that impossible love Who said I wasnβt good enough So I decided to drink my pain away and then you came my way With your charming and smooth manner I shouldβve known you were a player But you told me everything That I wanted to believe in How you had never met anyone like me And that you wanted us to be It sound almost too good to be true But i was feeling lonely too So i decided to give in to you Afterwards you promised to call But instead you went awol And many days later I sit here In a river of foolish tears Wondering why why why I always fall for the same false lines
I wrote this in January of 2003 about John. Guess I was still mad at the rejection I felt when he ghosted me.
It’s like that sometimes
If I was nothing more Than another girl Why couldnβt you have been straight Instead of acting in an enamored way And made me really believe You truly care for me but I should have known all along that youβd be the same jerk song Hopefully one day Iβll learn to stop taking all you crooked turns
I wrote this poem in 2019 when I got into a fight with a friend because he was cruel to one of my friends. After this fight, we didn’t talk for 2 years but we ended up reconnecting in the summer of this year.
I wrote this in January of 2003. I’m honestly surprised that after so much disappointment in the dating world, I still had faith. I guess I was still a hopeless romantic at that point.
Itβs so hard sometimes to be nice When youβve cried so many times Over so many sorry ass guys When you are always done wrong You wonder whatβs taking so long To find a warm hearted guy Whoβll give you the moon and the sky To find that special man that was written for you in the sand Sometimes you almost want to give up and just suck it up And say βIβm so throughβ With always being used But you have to have faith That one day youβll find somebody great And all of these lonely nights Will finally have an end in sight
I wrote this in December of 2002. Towards the end of the year, I was depressed abotu dating and romance. I hated feeling like I was always just used for fun, objectified, and then discarded like trash. .
exactly
Now that I know That between us Can me nothing more Than a story of pure lust I feel so dumb And wonder once again If itβs possible to go numb From all of the jerks that are so damn lame You fucking jerks that donβt want to see past Me being a great piece of ass And I ask myself these questions What does it take for someone like me? To find someone that will make me happy To find someone who doesnβt use me just for fun But maybe itβs okay Maybe this is just my fate
I wrote this in 2002 about my former friend Brad. He was the type of “friend” that kept trying to sleep with him and I tried to have boundaries with him. I guess I should have seen the red flags then.
Growth begins by choosing yourself
My dear friend Why do you want to stay with me tonight? Is it because youβre lonely? Or is it because youβre sad? Or maybe you just crave the company of my warm body Sorry but I canβt allow it Because Iβm selfish And want to keep memories of you pure and free of any sexual intimacy
Poetry is and always has been a big part of my life. Poetry is everywhere . Poetry is in the lyrics I sing, it’s in the love I make, it’s in the beauty of nature, and even in the grief I feel. Since as long as I can remember, Iβve used poetry to process my feelings.
At first, it was me finding comfort in song lyrics when sadness or anxiety hit me even as a young child. I remember being 5 and belting out the heartbreaking lyrics to Juan Gabriel’s song βQuerida: or the romantic lyrics Daniela Romo’s βDe Mi Enamorateβ. When I came to the United States in the 80s, I learned English at school but also through song lyrics. I remember at 6 or 7 singing the lyrics toGeorge Michaelβs βCareless Whisperβ or Rick Astley’s βTogether Foreverβ. Around 6th grade when I started getting crushes on boys that never gave me the time of day, I would alternate between being angry and singing salty songs like βSomeday” by Mariah Carey or singing and crying to Boyz II Menβs βEnd of The Roadβ. Yes, Iβve been super dramatic and emotional since I can remember. Haha.
Here is a short playlist of these songs:
Poetry Feels like
And then came the age of the internet when poetry became accessible to me with just a few clicks. I remember being ghosted by this ex when I was 15 and finding this poetry forum with poems full of teenage angst, anger and sadness. It was incredible to me that there were other people feeling how I felt. Yes, some of these poems could be called cringy and corny – but it got me through what I thought was the worst heartbreak I was experiencing at that time. Here are a few of those poems
I Want to Know by Cammi ThornRide by Unknown PoetCheck Please by Unknown Poet
Around this time my mom noticed my new fondness for poetry and introduced me to the love poetry of the Spanish poet Gustavo Becquer and I swooned. This is my favorite poem of his:
Rima XXX by Gustavo Adolfo Becquer
Eventually I started writing poetry to process my feelings and this is one of the first ones I wrote inspired by what else-a breakup. Haha.
Jaded me at 15
In some of my blog posts, Iβve said that I shouldnβt have written poems about so and so and should have gone to therapy; and while that may be true, poetry was also a type of therapy for me. Whether it was writing salty and angry poems or processing feelings of infatuation or existential dread; poetry has been one of the few constants in my life
In my 20s, I discovered Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal Woman” and Sylvia’s Plath “To a Jilted Lover” and my love for poetry became even stronger.
Phenomenal Woman by Maya AngelouTo A Jilted Lover by Sylvia Plath
At that time, I also found the courage to join the literary club in college and start reading my own poetry in front of my peers. I call it brave because poets that share their poems, whether it be through open mic night, social media, a blog, or a book are sharing an intimate part of themselves with the world. They’re sharing their vulnerability, their grief, and sometimes even their most private thoughts. It’s brave to do this in a world that shouts at you to “fuck feelings “or tries to tone down the many emotions we as humans feel as we go through this beautiful and complicated thing called life. Sharing your poetry can feeling like opening and inviting the world to your innermost and private thoughts.
For me, poetry is part of how I process life. Sharing my poetry through my blog or at open mic sometimes feels like the last step in healing from trauma. I told my therapist that sharing my poetry through my blog feels cathartic because afterwards it feels like I’m completely done with revisiting a traumatic event. I’ve also received comments from people that they’re related to my poetry because of something similar they’ve felt or have gone through and that’s the other reason I share my poetry. IF even one person can relate to any of my poems and it makes them not feel so alone then I’ve done my job as a poet.
I wrote this in 2019 when I was reflecting about the way men have often objectified in a way thatthey almost always seem to just want the fun and sexy part of me but seem to often have problems seeing the rest of me. I’ve almost always felt like I’ve been good enough to be their lover but never good enough to be introduced to their mother. Do I still feel this way? I honestly don’t know. I like the attention and validation I get from men because of my looks but sometimes it feels so hollow.
Often men want this girl…the ones that’s always down for a “good” timeBUT run away from this one….the other girl …the vulnerable one that has a realness hard to accept
I wrote this poem in December of 2002 cause well dating sucks and it’s still timely. Haha.
2002 was such a rough year for love
I hate playing this stupid game Called dating Trying to decide Which move to make So you can have him at checkmate Itβs no longer about falling in love Or even real feelings But itβs about winning So if sit here wanting to hear hisvoice I donβt dare give in to this yearning To want to call him Because then theyβll almost be winning
I wrote this in December of 2002 and it wasn’t inspired by any breakups, it might have been inspired by a movie I watched or a book I read.
it’s like that sometimes
I woke up one day To see that you had gone away All you left was a note You could no longer cope With our love mess You had tried your very best To be the man I wanted you to be The one who only cared for me You had only pretended to be true And now you say the time has come Youβre sorry it took so damn long All that is left is goodbye You tell me to not even ask why You wish me the best in life One day Iβll make a great wife And with your signature you sign off I hope that someday youβll find true love