The princess and the queen live within me And they each serve a purpose the princess cares about the men in her life She’s soft and submissive, kind and generous She’ll do anything for love, she’s loyal But sometimes the princess get taken advantage of And the queen steps in The queen is determined, she is strong and opinionated And ambitchous and bossy She’ll do anything to protect herself and her kids and gives zero fucks about anyone else And lately I’m trying to find a perfect balance of embracing these two beings who live within me
Some days I can’t deal with the boredom and restless It all leads to chronic feelings of emptiness And I asked myself Is it time for another depression spell? And I’m annoyed by me, by everything I attend to whatever I think my brain and my soul needs Sometimes it’s music, sometimes it’s sunshine Sometimes it’s writing Sometimes nothing appeases the Gods of BPD And I just to deal with my emotional instability I wish for at least a week of tranquility within Instead of a pendulum of ever changing mood swings When will I finally get calm and peace?
me with my favorites-Olivia Rodrigo, Conan Gray, and Joji
May is Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month and I wanted to honor it by sharing my spotify playlist from my favorite Asian American and Pacific Islander Artists. I have a special connection to Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders because I grew up in Hawaii. Some of my favorite people are Asian American like my childhood friends and my oldest son. Growing up in Hawaii, I listened to various Asian American and Pacific Islander artists like Iz, Hawaiian Style Band, Fiji, Kai, etc. I had the pleasure of seeing Fiji in a concert in Hawaii in the 90s. Recently, I’ve discovered other artists like Olivia Rodrigo, Conan Gray and Joji.
I started listening to Olivia Rodrigo in the summer and fall of 2021. To say that I was obsessed with her music would be the understatement of the year. Alexa still wakes me up with “Good 4 U” every morning (I haven’t figured out how to change it to something else-tbh-lol). Rodrigo’s debut album “Sour” really resonated with me on every level when I was going through a rough time in my life. There’s even hilarious videos of me drunk singing some of these songs (I watch them sometimes if I ever need to laugh-haha). I listened to Sour so many times, two of my sons know the lyrics to “Traitor” and sometimes for fun, we sing it at Family Karaoke Night.
In the fall of 2022, I discovered Conan Gray. Well, it’s more like I became obsessed with his song “People Watching” and then I listened to the rest of the album “Superache” and every single song resonated with me. Gray songwriting resonates to that angsty and angry side of me that feels so jaded when it comes to love. His songs “Family Line” and “Jigsaw” also resonate with me because like him, I’ve also had to deal with my own share of family trauma and feeling kind of an outcast. His personal style is also dramatic and I love that. In a way, he’s inspired to really embrace that side of me that tends to be dramatic. Other songs of his that I became way too obsessed with were “Astronomy” and “Heather”. “Heather” also served as inspiration for a long poem I wrote in January. This might be cringe but the video for “Heather” even inspired a couple of poses for a couple of pictures. Also, IMHO, Conan Gray is the most beautiful person in the world to me. My kids hate it when I tell them, “you’re almost as beautiful as Conan Gray”. They tell me it’s wrong for some reason but it’s the truth. Speaking of my kids, my middle son kind of lowkey hates him. Maybe it’s because either “Heather” or “People Watching” has woken him up one too many times.Idk. My oldest son thinks that my obsession with Conan Gray is just creepy because they’re both the same age. However, I can’t control what makes my moody heart happy and gets obsessed with. Maybe one day, I’ll find this post cringe and be like wtf was I thinking but let it be a day far, far away into the future. Now let’s move on, to my next obsession, Joji.
Okay, so my oldest son introduced me to Joji sometime in early 2022 with the song “Glimpse of Us”. I remember telling him, “this song is too sad, it’s the kind of song that’s perfect for unaliving yourself ” (I know that might seem a bit extreme but that was my gut reaction to the song). Anyways, I didn’t start listening again to Joji until the winter of 2022 when the weather was cold and I was in a low mood. Something about his voice and his songwriting really struck a chord with the angst and sadness I was feeling at the time. Then, I had a major depression episode in January of this year and Joji became the soundtrack to that depression. I remember wearing my beanie every single day because I was too lazy to style my bangs and listening to “Die for You” on repeat . Joji’s music really got me through that episode and in this weird way gave me hope. Of course, I made the choice to go back to therapy during that episode. When I listen to “Glimpse of Us” and “Die for You” I think back to the earlier versions of myself I’m still trying to find compassion for and make peace with. I know that might sound weird but to me it makes sense. I also love the song, “Sanctuary” so much so, it’s been an inspiration for a few of my most recent poems. Joji’s style is also kind of dramatic which I really love.
Below is my AAPI Appreciation Playlist, I hope y’all enjoy it.
vivo de recuerdos y sueños de lo que alguna vez fuimos y quisiera morir que vivir en esta soledad opaca y amarga donde lloro lagrimas que tu nunca veras y escribo cartas y poemas que tú nunca leerás
your wretched goodbye brought a radical change within me left behind was the naive girl who fell in love with you left behind was the stupid bitch who made a home in you left behind was the insecure woman who made you her world the woman who stands before you made a 360 turn the woman who stands before lives life according to her own terms without apologizing, without accommodation, without toning herself down the woman you left behind no longer exists she turned into ashes and out of the ashes turned into a brave and powerful queen who learned that her love is the rarest type of jewel that she reserves only for those who love her and accept her exactly as she is
I still ache inside at times over past regrets, over past mishaps it’s when doubt in me starts to rise And I fear another emotional relapse but then faith whispers to me let go of your past and focus on your present and I float back down to reality and once again gain confidence my past and trauma never defined me it’s part of my heroine’s journey at times I may have been terrible but I’ve always taken accountability at times I’ve felt irreparable but it’s a false story I told myself I’ve finally learned how to knock out those thoughts of how awful I’ve been I’ve learned the art of compassion and grace for myself
you burned our novel of love because your courage ran out because you couldn’t fight for us- even when you told me over and over again how being with me made you feel alive how I was different from anyone you ever met none of that mattered because you chose your wife because she brings you security because she’s your peace because she’s comfortable because you preferred a static and predictable life with her Instead of living a life full of excitement and challenges with me
I feel raw with emotions It’s like someone has ripped off the scab of an almost healed heart and it’s bleeding once again And while this time it’s not pulsating with anger and rage it still hurts like a small paper cut you can’t see but it’s still there
quisiera ser una maga para que te olvides de mi para que nunca hubiese existido en tu vida porque me odio por haberte causado un mundo de dolor pero no vivimos en un cuento de hadas
Vivimos en una realidad dura donde soy incapaz de decirte algo para que tu dolor sea más fácil para superar lo único que puedo hacer es rezar por ti, desearte lo mejor, y esperar que algun dia encuentres el valor para empezar denuevo con alguien que te sepa amar
I’ve had many Muses in my 41 years some have stayed my kids, my co-parent, my chosen family some have used me as a temporary destination countless friends and lovers they’ve abandoned me or I’ve abandoned them but all who have stayed or gone have inspired me in writing my life’s story through poetry so to my past, present, and future muses I am forever grateful for inspiring the most amazing and crazy creativity without you all, I wouldn’t have anything worth writing about-
borracha, me encontré en una cama extraña desnuda y vulnerable tratando de olvidar el pésimo dolor en mi corazón cubriendome con el calor de un hombre desconocido cedí a mis deseos salvajes para llenar el vacío que llevaba dentro de mí
text message from me to the person who inspired this poem
Maybe I was captious in thinking you wanted sex but you were really depressed and needed help I was moody and tired and couldn’t be bothered so I turned off my phone and wanted to be alone I thought it was no big deal to not get back on our idiot ferris wheel and now I hope it’s not too late and prioritizing myself wasn’t a mistake because I couldn’t stand the thought of you harming yourself be my fault
Life on the BPD 