On new year’s day of 2023,I have resolutions but they’re simple a trip to my homeland that’s been set in stone teaching my son to drive a divorce as a late birthday gift to myself keep my bangs because that’s really who I am pushing my oldest son to be more independent Continue to share my poetry with the world unapologetically Be wary of anything that pollutes my energy try my best to ebb and flow with the turbulent waves of my emotions take any obstacles that might occur in life in stride make more time for my friends and family become a new kind of brave woman and continue to do things out of my comfort zone to help me grow and evolve become an example of determination, discipline, and creativity for my kids to follow- and continue to inspire others with my journey of self discovery 2023 will be chaotic with everything I’m planning 2023 will be the year where I’m the definition of bravery
it’s me and my trauma-watch out, there won’t be a story left untold
I hold hands with my trauma and show her off to everyone most people look at her with curiosity some people are horrified my family cringes and and whispers to me, “it’s embarrassing, showing her as some kind of trophy” I get mad and flip everyone off and me and my trauma link arms and skip on our way to share her story and create drama and chaos who cares if no one understands our process of how sharing her story is the key to my recovery
I’m going to surrender myself to the source to find my meaning and purpose in the universe It doesn’t matter how many times I whine or bitch about how hard this recovery is- it’s going to be worth it- and I’m going to look back on this journey and will be glad I took my time and didn’t try to jump any steps to get to where I’m supposed to be
don’t mess with a poet-you’ll become her muse whether you like it or not
I give you a yard and you give me an inch- it’s a game of back and forth nonsense one where I respect your unspoken boundaries and need for space until one day the push back from you pulled back into a dark place I haven’t been in a while a place where my confidence breaks, a place where I start to question my worth a place when my sense of self breaks once again and I know right there and then, it’s better to give up whatever this was I’ve outgrown men who send me mixed signals
Nuestra canción suena en la radio y el recuerdo de nuestra corta aventura de amor regresa me pierdo en nostalgia y remordimientos cómo es que una conversación de música se volvió en unos de mis cuentos más dolorosos de amor Cómo es que la vergüenza y culpabilidad de nuestro cuento de infidelidad todavía me persigue en sueños y me hace sentir mal quizás no fue tu intención causarme un infierno de trauma Quizás debería superarte porque fuistes un desperdicie de mi tiempo Pero a lo mejor es tiempo de perdoname y entender que hay algo de sanar quizás contar nuestro cuento es la llave para recuperar y poder enfocarme en el futuro que estoy construyendo
The ME from June of 2014 sends me a message and asking, where are you? I tell her, life didn’t go as planned-you’re divorced and looking for a place for your ex but your kids are thriving-your oldest son has his driver’s license and is on his last semester Of accounting at Athens Tech- Your middle son will graduate from high school this year- and your baby is now taller than you and becoming his own person You’re working 2 jobs and you’re a citizen now and you’ve been to therapy to learn healthier coping mechanisms- you even drive now-you’re independent as fuck and live life on your own terms you’ve even been to Peru twice- You’re learning to follow your intuition and how use discernment in your choices in how you live your life- you’ve discovered your values underneath everything society brainwashed into you and at the end of the day all you want be is a good mom and a good person that’s the extent of your life’s purpose- now that we know who we are our next step is to plan the future we want- we’ll keep on thriving girl-you were the go getter and determined woman in me Even among one of my greatest depressions You still got up and followed your passions- And you laid the foundation-we’ll be okay-I promise I’ll make you proud of me- Love patty
she thinks she should be thanked for flexing her confidence clothed in privilege and luxury by posting advice to women about how dining alone in a fancy restaurant is women’s empowerment and I have an adverse reaction that makes me want to vomit it feels like a modern day Marie Antoniette moment perhaps it’s because I’m a working class immigrant woman who struggles in America perhaps it’s because the rights of the marginalized and working class are being ripped away from us and on my social media feed, this yuppie and elitist bullshit appears how can I be friends with this bleached blonde Barbie oh yeah, we worked together briefly and I almost start to comment with an essay on how she should check her privilege before handing out tokens of toxic positivity while people like me are drowning in debt and lack financial stability but I stop this barbie isn’t worth my time or energy it’s time to unfriend and unfollow the marie antoinette wannabe who only serves to trigger my working class rage who serves to remind of the injustice and inequality in this capitalistic and racist American society
heroines go bravely up on stage and vomit out their feelings–pic is courtesy of my friend Amber Murphey
As I let go of my limiting beliefs, I grieve the woman I used to be so insecure and unsure of herself so hesitant to take control and power Overthinking and catastrophizing constantly it held me back from living the life of my dreams- Jealousy and envy filled me up Scrolling the professional and personal successes of others on social media Thinking, “that could have been me” and giving too much important to the opinions of others wondering constantly- “are they judging me?” It was an toxic story I told myself since the age of 16 and it continued on and on until one day in my middle age I exploded and decided to fight my inner critic and challenge everything I thought was wrong with me slowly I learned to turn my story around Slowly I went from victim to heroine
Relief comes after a nap on Christmas day I woke up with so much joy and warmth in my heart I feel like I’m standing on top of a mountain I’ve been climbing forever A mountain climb that’s had a most treacherous uphill and loaded with many obstacles I’ve stumbled and fallen from many times but the universe, God presented me this gift of contentment for my life the understanding that everything had to happen for this reason to live in my childhood dreams of having my own family who brings me love and purpose every day of my existence
it’s okay to make mistakes-it’s part of being human
I almost drowned in a whirlpool of shame today because I made a mistake because I’m an imperfect human but I breathe in deeply self compassion and grace and accept this is a small blunder in my life and it shouldn’t take up too much space in my mind And I needed to be a friend to myself Understand I won’t always be flawless- Afterall I’m only mortal
pride and ego keeps us from speaking our truths we don’t want to be perceived as crazy or as a basket case and we suppress, suppress, suppress- only speaking with cordiality and respectability when we should really cut through the bullshit and let every unfiltered thought make it to paper so we don’t drown in anxiety and depression regretting everything that’s never been said
me in January of 2023…I give no fucks when I’m angry
when my inner bitch wakes up and rises-you better watch out I have no scruples, I have no morals my wrath has no limits I’ll come after you with my words call you out for hurting me or my loved ones I’ll forget everything I learned in therapy about compassion, about forgiveness I won’t just act like a woman scorned I’ll act like a villain in a horror movie out for revenge
I could be the poster child for love fiascos- I love too fast, and too hard- I’m the fool of the tarot risking everything even my sanity for love- getting caught up in feelings and magic being delusional that somehow it could work out even when the red flags scream at me- I say fuck it-I switch off the logic button in me and go all in
December 19th is National Emo Day and I wanted to honor it by sharing my spotify playlist with my favorite Emo Songs. I started listening to Emo music when my best friend introduced me to Taking Back Sunday and Brand New in college. I liked the music but didn’t get into it until the summer of 2021. I remember I was on my summer staycation from hell and had this feeling of numbness and shock in my body as I was doing my power walk and no song was hitting the spot for me to feel something. I was also having a lot of intrusive and negative thoughts at the time so I was trying to feel something, anything to get out of my head and stay safe. None of the music I was listening to was hitting the spot and then I decided to try my former angry playlist and Cut without the E came on and omg my anger came out in full force. It was like this weird gift from the universe because well, I finally felt something and it was powerful. It feels strange to say that rage felt empowering to me but it did. It knocked me out of my self pity and hardcore suicidal ideation into my anger phase of the grief I was in and it was what I needed at the time. It was the song I needed to get me through one of the hardest times in my life. Anyways, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to the album, “Tell All Your Friends” by Taking Back Sunday that summer. Then I rediscovered Brand New, and discovered Fallout Boy, Panic!At the Disco and the music really resonated with me. I always joke around with my friends that “maybe I just like these white boys yelling angry lyrics in my ear” lmao. But seriously, there is something about that white boy angst and anger that really hits the spot when I’m in a bad mood. Well, rap music also hits the spot but that’s another blog post. Lol. This summer I was actually lucky enough to see Taking Back Sunday with Third Eye Blind in concert with the same best friend who introduced me to TBS. It’s weird to say but it was one of the most joyous experiences of my life. It was one of the times when I was thankful of the intensity of emotions that comes with my BPD because when I’m happy, oh boy, it’s almost overwhelming but in a good way.
me in July of this year at the Taking Back Sunday/Third Eye Blind Concertme with my best friend from college at the concert
Below is a video of me in the summer of 2021 and the summer of 2022. There is a clear difference in both versions of me. I remember being so reactive and full of rage when I recorded the video where I’m in my room and immediately posting it on tik tok. I was in my “fuck the world” stage of grief. The video at the concert is me in this state of complete happiness and joy. I remember thinking “wow, I’m just really happy at this moment listening to this song. There is no room for anger in my heart”. It’s dramatic to say that it was cathartic for me but it was. To diminish that moment to something less than that would be invalidating what I felt at that moment.
what a difference a year makes!
Helena -My Chemical Romance
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off- Panic!At the Disco
Cut without the “E”-Taking Back Sunday
Motorcycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind
The Kill-Thirty Seconds to Mars
There’s No “I” in Team-Taking Back Sunday
Seventy Times 7-Brand New
Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional
Sugar We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades-Brand New
I’m Not Okay (I Promise)-My Chemical Romance
Head Club- Taking Back Sunday
The Patron Saint of Liars- Fall Out Boy
The Only Difference Between Matrydom and Suicide is Fame- Panic!At the Disco
Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
A Decade Under the Influences-Taking Back Sunday
Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things to do Today- Fall Out Boy
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional
Jude Law and A Semester Abroad- Brand New
Here is my spotify playlist of my favorite emo songs for your listening pleasure:
Life on the BPD 