I wrote this poem in July of 2023.

a text from an unknown number reminded me of my past
when I was sick with a love addiction
when I gave in to my impulsivity
when I gave my energy freely to anyone
who paid attention to me
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

As I let go of my self limiting beliefs,
I grieve the woman I used to be
so insecure and unsure of herself
so hesitant to take control and power
Overthinking and catastrophizing constantly
it held me back from living the life of my dreams-
Jealousy and envy filled me up
Scrolling the professional and personal successes
of others on social media
Thinking, βthat could have been meβ
and giving too much importance to the opinions of others
wondering constantly-
βare they judging me?β
It was a toxic story I told myself since the age of 16
and it continued on and on until one day in my middle age
I exploded and decided to fight my inner critic
and challenge everything I thought was wrong with me
slowly, I learned to turn my story around
Slowly, I went from victim to heroine
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

my fingers tingle and almost grew numb
as I gripped the wire
and the tightrope shook
I wanted to give up
it would have been so easy
but something in me didnβt allow me to
terrified I took the slowest step forward
radically accepting in that moment
I will never be a quitter
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

Iβm a poet, Iβm a writer but when it comes to expressing the romantic in me
I have the hardest time
Iβm great at expressing my anger, my disappointment, my shame
but when it comes to love, I shy away and put my guard up
itβs a mix of trauma and cognitive distortions Iβve held within me
since the age of 16
self limiting beliefs that no man has ever loved or respected me
and failing at all of my love stories no matter
how hard I tried to succeed, no matter how much I accommodated
or changed for my partner, he leaves me
and Iβm left flabbergasted, devastated, traumatized
so embedded and attached to my past tragedies
Iβm apprehensive and hesitant when it comes to trying on someone new.
when to comes to pursuing anything more than friendship
it leaves me in the land of βI donβt know how to fucking do this again
without it breaking meβ
and so I sit still, waiting for my crush to say something, do something
to restart my heart once again
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

after the thunderstorm came and went
I wrote a hundred poems about what happened
I didnβt know how to process it
and 1 hour in therapy didnβt cut it
the epic flood of grief that followed
and while it may seem excessive and melodramatic
It was either I kept writing
or I kept dreaming of dying
Write about your first crush.


I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

we could have been friends but you ruined it
by crossing my boundaries
by showing your unhealthy attachment to me
saying youβll wait for me to change my mind
acting like Iβm a challenge to take on
seeing me as an objection of your affection,
a pretty girl to jack off to
so I was left with no choice but to block you
from my universe
if you canβt respect my βnoβ and listen to me
when Iβm assertive about it
Iβm sorry itβs not me, itβs definitely you
and you can no longer have access to me
maybe upon a time I thought I needed you
to validate me, to make me feel sexy
but now I see you were just a temporary fix
to give me confidence
and when I saw how unhealthy this was
I tried my best to be honest with you
let it be known that I’m not here for any sexual or romantic energy
but you didnβt take me seriously
and now we canβt even be friends
we are far better off as strangers
I wrote this poem in June of 2022.

I called you a villain in my book of lust and love
I never saw your humanity
I never understood how I played my part
in our chaotic and dysfunctional story of love
Instead it was easier to blame you over and over again
It was easier to play the victim
rather than try to accept you as the imperfect human that you are
Rather than to see how you never wanted a βwe;
rather than to accept you just wanted someone sometimes
to not feel so lonely
I wrote this poem in May of 2022.

I finally killed the romantic in me
and I feel free and so happy
because me and love are a toxic and explosive combo
that makes me a terrible, crazy and delusional soul
because love always brings out the worst in
and right now, I need peace, I need calm
I need to find stability within
and Iβll never have that as long as I try to hold on to
the romantic in me
Goodbye to love
You never made me feel like I was enough
I wrote this poem in May of 2023.

this didnβt come easily but I finally love myself to the moon and back
it was a hard process after so many years of self loathing
and drowning in my insecurities
I was my own worst enemy constantly focusing and scrutinizing
Every single one of my imperfections
Ugh, Iβm too dumb or too fat or too old
Never did I see myself as a masterpiece of Godβs making until this year
and now Iβve grown to love and accept every version of myself
because despite of all of my mistakes and flaws
Iβm still worthy of all the love in the world
I wrote this poem in May of 2022.

These are the ingredients for emotional stability:
Stay away from love at all costs
Get enough sleep
Write, write, write
Exercise 3 times a week
Stay away from love at all costs
Meditate and practice mindfulness
Read, read, read
Spend time with my kids
Call my parents
Stay away from love at all costs
Masturbate
Listen to music to match my mood
Go to therapy
Cut down on alcohol
Stay away from love at all costs
I wrote this poem in May of 2022.

Old insecurities come to visit me again,
they shake up my newly acquired confidence
they tell me Iβm not smart enough and Iβll never be truly loved
They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be
Otherwise Iβm a waste of a person because of my bpd
And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown
Because I have made so much progress and have come so far
Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war
but itβs daunting not to let the negativity get to me
So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain
from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/

I wasnβt able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.

I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year.
Hereβs that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708
So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is Iβve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and Iβve even written some funny stuff.
Hereβs one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:

Another thing I noticed is that Iβm getting better at telling a story through my poetry and hereβs an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:

I will admit that not all of my poems were βgood poemsβ and Iβll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and thatβs what I posted in my blog. This shows Iβm growing as a writer as Iβm editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons Iβve grown as a writer is because Iβve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know Iβve said so many times, βI write for myself primarilyβ and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I donβt think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think Iβm just growing as a writer who aims to become better.

My advice to anyone whoβs thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you donβt have to post it if you donβt want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, Iβm thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge.
I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again Iβm better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.

I wrote this in May of 2022.

What’s the cost of being authentically me?
not everyone will like me, lovers will run away from me
I have a hard time finding someone who accepts me
but it’s fine, it’s okay
my worth means more to me than anyone
who wants me to swallow parts of myself
to accommodate to them
because my self-esteem means more than acting
like someone else’s dream
so maybe the cost of being truly me is low
compared to the parts of my true self
I would lose for false friendships and false loves
aqui esta versiΓ³n en EspaΓ±ol:
poesΓa: loba
I’m a lone brunette wolf in a world full of blonde sheep
my exes always preferred blondes over me
I never knew exactly why
perhaps blondes really do have more fun
perhaps blondes are easier to manipulate
this used to bother me greatly,
even robbed me of my sanity and sleep
but eventually I had a great epiphany
the one meant for me will not just love how sweet I can be
Heβll also love and encourage the savage in me
he’ll know how to ride the turbulent waves of my mood swings
Iβm not sure if Iβll meet him soon or if he even exists
but after this grand epiphany
I no longer care about my exes and their blonde sheep
In fact, I wish them all the best fairytale ending