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Poetry: Border

me in the summer of 2019 when I wrote this poem

There is a border around you

Cemented with callousness

Every now and then 

I see glimpses of good-

Within you

But only on the nights

When you are drunk and lonely

Only the nights

When you want my skin 

To cover yours

You give me orgasms 

And sweet compliments

And fill me up with lies-

And the day after

Your border is closed

Its impenetrable

So hard to break through

So hard to keep loving you

So I give up

Every time I TRY

To chisel a little at it 

My heart hurts

and breaks a  little more

So I”ll stop trying to break through

No matter how happy you make me

For a few hours

You’re not worth

Days, weeks, and months 

Of misery 

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Poetry: Once Again

Again and again and again

-I let you back in 

You take me in passionately

    and intensely

And without thinking

I’m back in your arms

  And for the briefest of moments

I believe you love me 

 Loneliness makes one blind

To the sad reality 

You just like the convenience of my hips

Lust makes one blind 

To the hard truth

You just like to use 

The warmth of my body

To covers yours 

At your leisure 

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poetry: rebranding

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

soft girl energy

I look forward to the day when I’m no longer known as the writer with BPD
when I no longer make my mental illness a part of my brand
when I’m no longer dependent on my ex husband
and antipsychotics to survive
when I finally start to resemble something like a normal person
and not the vehement emotional mess I usually am

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Poetry: False Stability *Trigger Warning*

The last time my ex fat shame me..

Appearances were kept well for 15 years

 the husband, the salaried job, the 3 offsprings

I pretended like everything was fine

And yet there were ominous signs

I never felt like my authentic self

and always felt false

I tried on this so called suburban bliss 

and mediocres routines

but knew it just wasn’t me

So I ended up in  profound misery

And one day I wanted to forever sleep

To forget my mediocre reality

 I took 15 numb feeling pills

one for every pseudo happy year

I wanted to slip into a forever dream

to never wake to my false stability 

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poetry: motherhood

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

me with my youngest son

there are days I don’t feel strong enough to be their mom
maybe it’s insecurity that weighs heavily on me
after every fight, after every conflict
it was easier when they were small
and I was their favorite person
the one they ran to the moment I opened the door
nowadays I work much and they have their own interests
to have much to do with me
nowadays they bring up grievances of everything
I’ve done and am doing wrong
is this karma for being a bad daughter to my mom
is this karma for being selfish and self absorbed
for a few years of their lives
Who knows-
maybe it’s not about being strong, being right,
or being respected
maybe it’s about them knowing they are loved

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poetry: for once

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

this poem is about me and only me

for once I want to be missed, for once I want to be remembered
for once I want to feel valuable and worth effort
but it’s a fantasy I need to let go of
it’s a dream that will never come true
it’s time to grow up and plant my feet firmly on the ground
acknowledge my worth and hold onto my pride and dignity
and stop chasing delusions and daydreams
aside for all of the inspiration
it’s never gotten me anywhere

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Poetry: Mother of Three

Me and my youngest at 13

Mother of three

What does that even mean?

Responsibilities, obligations, duties

Alcohol and going out are taboo for me

Songs of sacrifices and martyrdom

Are the tunes I hum

Dinner with friends and

concerts are just WRONG!

Soccer games and play dates

Are my important dates

No time to spend 

With my lifetime mates?

Mother of three,

Will I ever be free?

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poetry: three years ago

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

thinking about the chaotic move of May of 2021

three years ago, I was dealing with the most chaotic move of my life
never thought my new home would see the death of me
the princess who moved in
and the resurrection of the queen I was about to become

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Poetry: No Expectations

But I lost it like a promise- Conan Gray

I told myself “no expectations”

“Just use him for a short time”

That’s all he’ll be good for

But his words, his gaze

His hands, his lips

Felt like home the first night

This can’t be happening

This can’t be real 

This isn’t who I want to be with

But my heart wouldn’t listen

To the logic in my head, 

The advice from my friends

I had the first hit and I needed to go back-

I feel like a pathetic drug addict-

I told myself “no expectations”

And yet a year later-

Here we still are in our 

Intense and passionate love affair

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poetry: a snap 3 years later

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

remembering how I posted this snap so the muse of this poem would see it-lol

saw you and knew right away there wouldn’t be a second date
thought I made that apparent enough at the end
but 3 years later you send me a snap to ask me
if I’m still interested
Sorry
but the woman you met is no longer who I used to be
maybe you had a chance with her
but the new me-she’s careful who she gives access to
the new me has cut off any strings left
from the old life the old me use to live

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poetry: every time

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

once upon a time, I was obsessed with a fuck boi

everytime you disappear, I lose an ounce
of the fondness and affection I hold for you
this last time,I didn’t even notice
I thought, good for him
he found someone else to stroke his ego
and validate him
but here you are again
everything I once felt for you
has dried out
and I have nothing left to say
as you try to nonchalantly come back into my life
I’m filled with indifference this time
holding onto my new sense of empowerment
careful to not again fall under your spell
once again

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Poetry: Intoxicated

I am intoxicated 

  by his desire for me

He seems to accept who I am–

  Wrinkles and craziness and all

  and he doesn’t try to change me

He makes me feel valued 

  and appreciated and 

  that I matter in his life

Being with him fills me 

 with happiness, peace 

 and a joy I’ve never known

and for the first time

my heart isn’t filled 

With anxiousness 

of whether I’m good enough. 

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poetry: roadtrip to Tijuana

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

the trip that inspired this poem

never understood why you took us with you
maybe it was to assuage your guilt
maybe it was say you really did nice things
for me and my brother
inviting us to an all day road trip to Tijuana
in your air conditioned Blazer
silent as mice and on our best behavior
to not disturb you, your husband and your son
it was all so strange
the only thing I can remember
was the messiest hamburgers
we needed a hundred napkins to eat
and the picture with the donkey
maybe you were kind and graceful
with us at times
but all of that has been lost with the trauma
you incurred on us I’ve blocked out
and 34 years later in my middle age
sitting in my hot car in between jobs
I still don’t understand why you took
us with you