My son is blossoming and becoming the man I always knew he could be Heβs ambitious, heβs kind,heβs a hard worker Heβs a motherβs dream come true And while at times he may still stumble and occasionally Heβs inherited strength and resilience from me It keeps him from giving up It keeps him moving towards a life full of success and happiness
the nuns and mami started into obedience and I reverted into a world of silence And everyone praised mami about what a good little girl I was and no one thought much about this until my parents demanded answers for the rebellious streak in my teens couldnβt understand the numerous absences, the subpar performance in school, why I sulked in my bedroom for hours on ended, the disrespect from my mouth as I stood up for myself, they wondered where their sweet and quiet princess went all the while they should have looked back 6 or 7 years ago when they indoctrinated me to hold it all in or else they wouldnβt love me should have known one day Iβd rebel and explode as I was finding my spirit, my voice once again after it had been buried under layers of good behavior
Sept of 1986-me blowing out a candle right before me and my family started our immigration journey-my aunt had a goodbye party for us
When I was little, I was often lost in daydreams about America It was beautiful and blue I pictured a celestial and warm ocean where the waves tenderly touch my toes I was taught it was a better existence than the one we were living in but no one told me that dreams sometimes donβt come true and the reality of America was filled with a hardness that even 35 years later Iβm still processing indentured servitude, exploitation, depression, addiction,racism, mental illness were just a few side effects of going for the American dream
kept the dead rose petals along with your note as long as I could it was the first time a man had acknowledged me worthy enough of a rose and at 16, that was everything
not much of choice, get married or become a whore at 19, she was trapped between a sword and another sword either way sheβs trapped and kept away from the life she really wanted to live either way, her fate would be sealed with her ink of shame
Sheβs an American Iβm an immigrant She loves Trump Iβm a borderline socialist She believes in money and brand names I believe in love and poetry Born from the same womb But living in different worlds Sheβs upper middle class Iβm working class Sheβs latina when it suits her Iβm latina every single day Sheβs the definition of assimilation I get called out by HR for being too Peruvian Sheβs the American Dream And Iβm the immigrant
so American, I walk around with ketchup on my face
el tio Julio always spoke English to us, the kids didnβt matter who we were with or where we were I think he was an advocate of assimilation at an early age I think he wanted all of us to have a fighting chance in our adopted homeland perhaps this was an act of kindness on his part he knew that in order to survive in the USA we had to leave behind the part that made us seen as a foreigner and become as American as possible
my uncleβs death has awakened something in me and while I think he was mostly good and donβt judge him Iβm sad he didnβt live his life authentically Iβm sad he couldnβt bring himself to leave his loveless marriage Iβm sad he hurt his second wife by cheating on her with the first Iβm sad that for more than half a century he was deeply in love with a woman he could never have I wonder what would have happened if my uncle made it to therapy and tamed his demons I wonder if eventually he couldβve found some happiness and love in his life or perhaps Iβm wrong and he was content with the mess he was inside
under a tequila sunrise in L.A,he breaks apart once again she committed the ultimate act of treason against him and he couldnβt forgive her again this time he couldnβt put a bandaid of his love to make it all better this time he had a son to think about this time his family would disown him if he stayed with her so he packed up her stuff, put the boxes and suitcases of her belongings outside changed the locks and filed for divorce even as he broke inside, he held all of his emotions in and even though he considered her the grand love of his life he had to cut all ties with her this time she hadnβt just broken law of not just decency and morality with her actions this time her horrid actions made her beyond redemption this time she had gone too far
the more I disconnected from motherhood and compartmentalize my life the more damage I did to myself and others taking accountability and bonding with my children is necessary for healing
a moment of serendipity happened when we ran into each other Christmas shopping You struck up a conversation and helped me with my bags and I told you about my plans for higher education and you said you wanted to help me and got my phone number we didnβt know at the time, one day weβd form a family get married and divorced within a span of twenty years isnβt life, so, so crazy? How ten minutes of conversation ended up leading to the beginning of one of my most important stories?
sometimes I wish you were here- so you could share your wisdom, so you could explain your truth I followed in your footsteps of being a teenage mom And it would have ripped me apart to have abandoned my son so Iβm wondering how you did it- were you full of guilt or was it because of your lack of options how did you survive being away from your child and go on with your life as if he was an afterthought Perhaps Iβm judging you harshly and I donβt understand the whole story I just want it to make sense
is it the gods of bpd and pmdd or the men in my life with 3 of swords energy making me extra hateful and moody today are my standards too high because Iβm obsessed with conan gray, joji, and yung gravy and none of the men in my life seem to hold a flicker of a flame to the Gods of music I worship is is the gods of bpd and pmdd or my chronic pain making me a moody bitch today or is it me not being selective enough with who Iβm allowing into my inner circle and allowing clowns to pollute my energy because lately my poetry isnβt hitting like it used to or maybe I just need to uninstall all of my social media apps, turn off my phone for a few days, and read books and listen to my vinyls to reset and recharge
And just when I think I have it all figured out– Everything falls apart again the universe has a funny way of humbling me just when I think I finally have it together When does it get easier? Am I being punished for not conforming to societyβs expectations of me? Should I be sorry for not wanting to just be a wife and mother? Will I ever be free of societyβs shackles thrusted upon me?