in the juxtaposition of the karens and working class I find sympathy for both it’s hard to explain this in between- it’s an exhausting struggle of understanding the complexities of the human condition of wanting to be seen of wanted to be heard and respected and I stared in horror, almost breathless as the karens and the working class exchange verbal hostile fire and almost throw hands at each other as one threatens the other’s livelihood and the other stood their ground and I – was just a witness to the epidemic of anger in America
I sought solace in friends last night and everyone was busy or asleep so I cried hysterically in the middle of the street, and then in the diner over my fries, and finally in my uber ride Strangers kept asking me if I was okay one even offered me a ride even in my worst moments of crises, I always find a way to survive even when I’m in the thick fog of a mental breakdown I know now how to take care of myself and keep myself safe maybe that was the lesson the universe sent last night even in my most hopeless of times I will always find a way to survive and eventually be okay
my heart is full of what ifs? What if it works out? What if I’m not as dumb as I think I am? What If I stop listening to the voices in my head that taunt me-telling me I’m not good enough? What if I’m brave enough today and chase my dreams despite my haters and my inner critic?
I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I planted my feet on the soil I was born on until I breathed the air my parents and ancestors inhaled until I tasted flavors from almost a lifetime ago I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I returned to my homeland and it was the piece of the puzzle found I needed to finally complete me
today I woke up overwhelmed, exhausted and in a fit of rage feeling underappreciated in all of my efforts to move my family forward not remembering the last time I had a full day of rest wondering how to continue this existence of 60 something work weeks, and of course the guilt over not spending enough time with my kids- I was downtrodden with grief and mad at the world until my abuela’s story made its way to a conversation with my coworker and a small light of hope dawned on me if my illiterate and indigenous abuela Mercedes, alone in the world could make generational wealth in the early 1900s despite the racism, the obstacles, and many tragedies faced I, too. will not only survive but will also thrive and continue to shine my light it’s in my bloodline, my ancestry to evolve, push myself forward despite obstacles, mental illness, or life’s tragedies-IT’S UP TO ME! as a Peruvian woman living in America in the 21st century to make the best of what’s been given to me which sometimes feels like the sourest of maize and turn them in the sweetest and tastiest Chicha
I long to run free in a world free from prejudice and pride I long to run free in a world free from judgment and ignorance I long to run free in a world that accepts people like me I long to run free in a world where I’m not hypervigilant about toning myself down
I saw my mother kill the spark in my father He was my age with many dreams, But I’m different,so different No matter who or What gets in my way,I’ll Knock them out Figuratively or literally to get the life I deserve to accomplish my goals The spark in me stays in me and giving a determination to keep going and to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!
I know I’ll be okay, I know I’ll be fine I’m the queen of resilience, coming back triumphantly After each tragedy but right now, I need to honor the heaviness of grief that resides within me Acknowledge that for a while, my kids may view me as a villain for breaking up their family for making them products of broken home I gotta feel this residual anger and resentment Directed at myself and my ex for not being able to make our marriage work At least I can say it wasn’t me who gave up easily I was the one who gave my all and best efforts to make it work but one day, I had to accept it for what it was a marriage damaged beyond repair And no amount of meds, therapy, acceptance or healing on my part could have saved it- not when I was always doing 80 percent of the work and he barely gave me any effort and while yes, he did care of our kids and of me he still didn’t help in providing for them, show initiative to better our family or even tried to love me the way I needed to be loved Instead, he hid behind his fatherhood and age To distract me And it wasn’t until the healthiest version of me showed up and got the courage to put a stop to this facade of a marriage and stop our codependent story of love We’ve been modeling for our kids It’s up to me to break this generational curse of toxic love or else our kids won’t know or understand what a healthy and real love story looks like
to reach the next level of my life I need to stand firm in alignment with my values I need to be brave and take the necessary steps for my full autonomy even if it’s painful, even if I start to question the process the end result will be the betterment for me and my sons, a life full of purpose a life where I’m no longer attached to anything and anyone who held me back from reaching my potential
I’m looking forward to that pisco sour I’ll have after the judge declares me divorced and free to remarry -ha- that’s the biggest joke ever maybe I’ll land in someone’s bed once again But a ring on my finger -NEVER!- not in this lifetime, not as long as I breathe instead I’ll claim my single status And relish in it as long as I can
September comes in with a rage and determination in my heart to keep on moving with a new purpose to heal and evolve into the healthiest version of myself without condemning myself over my past misdeeds and obsessing over how toxic I once was so what if I allowed myself to be a doormat, to be stepped on over and over again? so what if I wasn’t the mom my kids deserved? Every day is a brand new start to live a life Intentionally and with purpose to continue to grow, build, and expand exponentially because while my past has impacted me and I’m still dealing with the consequences of it I need to move past it, leave it behind I’ve learned everything I need to learn from it now it’s time to build my present for the future I deserve to live in
I breathe grief in, I exhale grief out my pain needs a way out because despair and sorrow fill up my lungs and anger sits at the bottom of my stomach and I’m tired of living like this a life full of emotional intensity And supposedly there’s a cure for it with therapy and radical acceptance but how do I accept that every man who’s ever professed his love to me always leaves Will my romantic misfortune one day end? or am I destined to repeat the same story of abandonment over and over again?
we short circuit once again and back to our monotonous everyday existence passion once again becomes an abstract thing of our past and I wonder if this is all there is to love
this time when I plant my garden of love it will be a solo project filled with seeds of only me Seeds of my grief, seeds of my joy Seeds of my sadness, seeds on my anger Seeds of inspiration and it will bloom into flowers of self worth trees of empowerment and plants of self love this time when I till my garden I won’t allow anyone to distract me This time when I maintain my garden I’ll water it with the essence of myself
I’m not just a lesson learned, I’m a whole education my mood swings will teach you patience and self-control and things about bipolar and BPD you never wanted to learn Making love to me will give you a degree in the best WAPP you’ll ever experience And when you break my heart and leave You’ll earn your PhD in what happens when you fuck over A Peruvian woman who’s crazy
Life on the BPD 