sorry for sleeping with your husband I was raised better than to covet my neighbor’s spouse I knew better than to listen to my impulsive and drunk hormones and while I could say I was caught up in the moment of music and alcohol it’s not an excuse for the sin I committed it’s a misdeed that I still regret 22 years later because I hate to think that maybe I was the final straw that broke up your marriage because guilt sits at the bottom of my stomach wondering if I wrecked an otherwise happy home and ruined an epic love story and if it eases your mind karma did get me in the end I married the wrong person and suffered through toxic codependency and polyamory Eventually having a mental breakdown because of how overwhelming it all got and ending up divorced with me alone without any romantic prospects I learned 22 years too late what is done secretly and illicitly in the heat of the moment comes back later to haunt you comes back to haunt your subconscious in dreams until you’re ready to acknowledge it and make amends
this day inspired a poem titled, “My Last Heather Moment”
It’s the 3rd of December and that means it’s Heather Day! What exactly is “Heather Day”? It’s a lyrical reference to the Conan Gray song “Heather” which talks about unrequited love and his crush choosing some girl named Heather over him which is terrible because I still can’t imagine anyone choosing someone else over Conan Fucking Gray, the most beautiful man ALIVE! So the first time I heard Heather was around November of 2022 and in a few short weeks, I became obsessed with this song. I think my kids unintentionally know the lyrics because of how many times they’ve heard it. I’ve written poetry inspired by this song and read that poetry at open mic. I’ve posed in pictures inspired by the video of the song. I’ve blasted that song from my car at various times and have always sung it out loud when it would play over the loudspeakers at my second job.
Needless to say, I have a deep relationship with that song. I know that it’s because at various stages in my life, I’ve been dumped by my exes for someone else, my crush has chosen someone else over me, or in one instance, the guy I was kind of seeing brought the other girl to an event we were both at and he thought it was fine while I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathroom (that’s another blog post). Before I listened to Heather , I didn’t know what to call these gut wrenching moments but after “Heather” I call these moments “Heather Moments”. And I’m sure there are other people, who’ve had similar experiences and their own “Heather Moments” and so I made a playlist inspired by “Heather” with songs with a similar feel. I actually have a deep connection to every single one of these songs and have even seen a few of them performed live. Yes, I saw Heather performed live and it was the happiest 4 minutes of my life! Anyways, here’s my playlist along with a few of the poems inspired by the song Heather. Fun Fact about some of these songs: 1) I was obsessed with “Can’t Let Go” when I was 10 and my crush wouldn’t notice me. 2) Look Away was on repeat in my CD Player when I broke up with my ex at 15 and it wasn’t a week before he went out with that girl he told me “I shouldn’t worry about” 3) One of the first songs I learned to play on the keyboard when I was 13 was “Words Get in the Way” 4) This is probably the most embarrassing fact but I crashed into the pole at work while I was blasting “Traitor” from my car. And 5) I was obsessed with the song “Silver Springs” this year and had it on repeat and even translated it into Spanish to see how it sounded. Also, I’ve included link via spotify and youtube for your listening pleasure.
I WISH I WERE HEATHER playlist:
Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift
Can’t Let Go-Mariah Carey
Checkmate- Conan Gray
Coincidence-Sabrina Carpenter Dancing on my Own-Tove Lo Deja Vu- Olivia Rodrigo
Driver’s License- Olivia Rodrigo
Glimpse of Us- Joji
Good Enough-Maisie Peters
Heather- Conan Gray
John Hughes Movie- Maisie Peters Lacy- Olivia Rodrigo
Lookalike- Conan Gray
Look Away- Chicago
Lost the Breakup- Maisie Peters
Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD
Movies- Conan Gray
Objection-Shakira
Opposite- Sabrina Carpenter
She’s All I Wanna Be- Tate McRae
Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
Slow Dancing in the Dark- Joji 24.Taste- Sabrina Carpenter
my craving for love has brought me to celestial heights of heaven and the rock bottom of hell at 40,I finally learned I suffered from the worst affliction –a love addiction– and time after time it tore me down something had to change, something had to give or else I’d end up jumping off a cliff so I gave up love for a while Until I could understand why it made me crazy Until I knew how to not make myself a victim in every single one of my love stories
Is it really so bad to assist others in ending their lives? couldn’t it be seen as a final act of love? to help them die with dignity and on their own terms without machines and tubes delaying the inevitable without anyone’s say over the little autonomy they still have left
In my children’s bible I was introduced to Jesus and his love for everyone I wanted to be like Jesus- and love and accept everyone as they are but I’m human and I can’t especially as the years pass by and I’m harmed by those who claim to love me it’s when all of my dreams quickly dissipate and slowly I grow bitter and full of mental illness maybe this is my tragic destiny from wannabe saint to a scorned woman who only dreams of revenge
breathing without a hint of romance is lonely but freeing it’s a lesson of dialectics I never wanted to learn it’s a lesson necessary for my recovery from BPD it’s not good or bad, it’s what I must do to get better
the repetitive compliments, the gross flattery about your looks no longer works on you- You’re one “hey beautiful” from vomiting the contents of your lunch all of these men state the obvious-you’re pretty And they think it’s a way to get to closer to you but you scream, “ew” and block them it’s nothing against them, you just no longer have the luxury of time to waste it on this type of nonsense to even think about entertaining them you’re outgrown that story
Releasing my fears of the unknowns and the what ifs to fulfill my life’s purpose is a challenging
I refuse to lie down in a defeatist mode in comfortable mediocrity stagnant in a suburban reality
So I release my fears to truly reach my potential to prove to others they were wrong but mostly to prove to myself that I was wrong and I’m worthy and I’m enough
my exes are scared of me for good reason too many times I’ve used their words, even their emails as ammunition in expressing myself in poetry sometimes, it was for revenge Many times, it was me just trying to heal but I did warn most of them –I’m a writer–and I’m crazy they probably thought “Oh how cute, a girl who writes a few verses” they never understood how my wrath showed up in my writing until they leave and finally understand they should have heeded my warning
I hold hands with my trauma and show her off to everyone most people look at her with curiosity some people are horrified my family cringes and and whispers to me, “it’s embarrassing, showing her as some kind of trophy” I get mad and flip everyone off and me and my trauma link arms and skip on our way to share her story and create drama and chaos who cares if no one understands our process of healing and recovery by sharing our story
Bleak and rainy days used to make me sad and squeeze the life out of me But now I think of all the sunshines and rainbows in my life three souls I gave birth to the friends who accept me my parents who continue to be loving and nurturing my coworkers whom I’ve Shared a pandemic war with But mostly, the new version of myself who might feel despair and sadness on some days but keeps going This new version that loves herself fully for once is enough
I’m starting to radically accept someone like me will always be judged differently from my peers it doesn’t matter how many degrees I have- how much I code switch to fit in- it will never be enough to be truly accepted so I’ll smile and nod while they complain about ivory tower problems while I roll my eyes inside my mind- man, I really wish I had your problems Susan but I got to go to my second job now
every time I drive somewhere new I’m beyond terrified doubts about driving skills cloud me and I want to break down and panic in the middle of traffic but I push through my fears, my insecurities, and keep driving I can’t be weighed down by who I used to be A woman reliant on the transportation of others A woman fearful of living a full life that is my old story and it’s not that I hate that version of myself I just refused to hold myself hostage by my past which tries to hold me back from being the independent woman I was always meant to be
I was in distress the other night but I wasn’t the damsel who needed to be saved I was a friend who needed a friend and maybe I was expecting too much but you could have done better than some two word awkward text as I was breaking down in the diner
I cry over my fries while I write nonsense because nothing makes sense I’ve worked so hard to change my narrative of mental illness so hard to create a new story of strength and resilience where I’m the heroine but tragically I’m a falling victim again to depression, anxiety, BPD, and whatever the fuck else it is wrong with me and I wish to make myself small enough to disappear into a mist of nothingness because lately it hurts too much to exists
Life on the BPD 