This was my response to prompt #12: Something to celebrate
I’ll be celebrating with these two homegirls
Tonight I celebrate with friends, with champagne and music We celebrate how far I’ve come and make a toast to a future full of potential and promise we laugh about all my past drama, dance to Taylor Swift and Yung Gravy and cry with joy about everything good in my life tonight is a celebration of the life I’ve work hard to build tonight is a celebration of who I fought hard to become
This was my response to prompt #17: The best gift you could receive
me annoyed with everything…lol
God grant me serenity and peace I hate it when I’m like this everything annoys the fuck out of me If I have to see another post about healing or trauma or my inner child, I’m throwing my phone out the door it’s not anything or anyone specifically its these horrible mood swings They transform me into a salty bitch who sets fire to everything and everyone with her pen and paper at least now I channel my anger into poetry and prose and no longer self implode when will serenity and peace come to me permanently and not just come to visit me temporarily?
This was my response to prompt #27: A book you want to read
Quote from “The Body Keeps Score”
Will “The Body Keep Score” give me the answers I need as to why my body still feels past trauma and why I still have nightmares about people and places who has caused me harm? or how when a trauma anniversary comes up like the day I lost my baby or the day I lost my mind my body feels extra heavy and my fists are clenched all day Will I finally understand my body can still feel the pain of trauma months and even years later when something catastrophic happens to me?
This was my response to prompt #7:Your Favorite Recipe
me and my boys on thanksgiving
4 cups of milk, two sticks of cinnamon 2 chocolate bars from Cuzco, a unhealthy and gluttonous amount of sugar I“ll bring it all to a boil with all the love in my heart to make Peruvian hot chocolate for my boys
I was never the marrying kind Don’t know why I forced myself into that line Maybe because of society’s expectations I made marriage my destination But it wasn’t really who I ever was Forever is not meant to be in my book of love But still I tried for seven years And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear I felt trapped in a cage of my own making Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking But it was never truly me Living this suburban reality And one day I wanted to sleep forever My mind collapsed from society’s pressure to continue this facade of being the perfect wife With my perfectly imperfect life My authenticity I had to put aside I’m a wife and mother of three There’s no such thing as being free But these were the lies I told myself The critic in me I learned to quell I learned I could be a mother but not a wife My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride There would no more anniversaries We were done with self imposed forgeries And a new chapter started with us One full of laughter, friendship and familial love
This was my response to prompt #23: What’s you’d really like to do tomorrow
Kailua Beach, Hawaii-my former paradise
Tomorrow I’d like to swim for the first time in my former paradise and after lay out in the sun in my bikini I’ve loved feel the sand everywhere instead of tolerating another dreary and rainy day in Georgia My mood would improve and I would write more happy poems Instead of writing about how I hate my existence and everyone and everything in it
Apparently, here is another poem from the great breakup of 2021 that never got posted. I’ve also included the revision of it after the poem.
Solitude be like
I deserve better than some low class player I deserve a man who knows how to love not some boy that’s not enough I deserve respect not to be treated like an object I deserve honesty not someone who lies to me I deserve to be able to trust Not some asshole who’s out for lust I deserve to be happy and to not drown in misery I deserve a real man and not an ass from jerk land
2001
Worthy of My Energy
fuck the toxic love story I keep on repeating I refuse to be disrespected and objectified by another man who lies to me about love because he’s lonely and wants me in his bed I’m no longer a temporary bandaid for another confused man who doesn’t know what he wants and discards of me when I’m stop being easy from now on any man who wants to be with me will have to prove himself to be worthy of my energy
This is my response to prompt #14: What did you think you’d be when you grew up
me in November of this year right before the Taylor Swift dance party in town
When I imagined my happily ever after- it never looked like my current reality a mother of 3 with 2 jobs, on the brink of divorce, with 5 mental health diagnosis and yet, I stand here with contentment in my heart and appreciation for the life I’m living I may not have grown up to live the life I envisioned but I’m still proud of who I’ve become
In honor of Taylor Swift’s Birthday, I decided to share my favorite Taylor Swift songs! I didn’t become a Swiftie until last winter when Red (Taylor’s Version) came out. Maybe it was because it was such an emotional time for me but I cried when I watched the “All Too Well” video the first time and the second time when I made my three kids watch the video with me. My youngest son unwittingly knows the lyrics to “Anti-Hero” and “Karma” because some days, I blast Swift from Alexa and my record player. I don’t think you get the full Swiftie experience unless you listen to her on vinyl. Also, in November, I spontaneously found myself at a Taylor Swift Dance Party and it was beyond amazing. I’ve included a short clip of it at the bottom. Anyways, this playlist includes what I consider the best of her work and music that’s gotten me through some of my toughest times or has uplifted me in some way. I hope y’all enjoy it:
the day that Red(Taylor’s Version) came out
Anti-Hero Blank Space Begin Again All Too Well (The 10 Minute Version) Karma Enchanted My Tears Ricochet Death By a Thousand Cuts Dress Vigilante Shit Right Where You Left Me Delicate Better Than Revenge The Lakes Afterglow The 1 Long Story Short Mastermind Closure Maroon The Way I Loved You This Love Call It What You Want Champagne Problems I Bet You Think About Me Hoax Midnight Rain Back to December Clean Mad Woman This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things Style Bejeweled
Below is a link to my Taylor Swift spotify playlist for your listening pleasure:
Below is a short video I made of the Taylor Swift Party I went to in November, it was so much fun! I love how I’m just exuding happiness and joy in this video, it’s a complete turnaround from who I was last year:
I never said I was a singer but I was tipsy and having the time of my life…lol
This is my response to prompt #16: Your favorite household chore
it’s always your responsibility
Springtime is here, it’s my favorite time of the year I blast out music from Alexa and start de-cluttering Anais Nin books I’ll never read go into the donation box her life no longer inspires me Dresses and outfits I wore to my trauma are packed in a suitcase destined for Lima Dozens of therapy sheets are recycled I finally found calm and serenity Springtime is here and it’s to get rid of everything that no longer fits this new version of me
Patience eludes me I want to run and jump to the next chapter of my life the chapter where I’m the victor and not the victim the chapter where I’m a winner and not a failure but I need to appreciate the journey and accept that the bumps along the way Help me savor the next chapter full of victories and maybe even love Patience is a necessary virtue for the growth and progress necessary for the next chapter
The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:
I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.
I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:
I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.
I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.
The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:
Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.
Excited about what the 11th year of Blogging will bring
This was my response to prompt #19: One thing you’d like to see
Quote from the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
I try to write about something positive I want to see but today, I don’t have it in me instead, I want to blast out my rage in verse I try to change this narrative, but after many attempts, I fail so today I’m going to accept how sometimes I’m a petty bitch I can’t always be the bigger person there’s some people I’ll never forgive And when I think of them, petty thoughts come up I hope Karma gets them and they suffer like I did
This is my response to prompt #5: Something you know something a lot
where is my honorary degree tho?
Where is my honorary degree in my BPD recovery ? I’ve read more books than I’ve cared to- I’ve acknowledged more toxic patterns than I wanted to- And I’m almost an expert at DBT But I still have days when I think it’s all bullshit I still have times I miss the chaos in my life so I know I still have a long way to go in this journey and it’s needed to fulfill my potential I need to let go of anything that caused me harm and say goodbye to who I once was Thanks to this recovery journey I’m self aware, I’m full of self compassion, I’m going to become the best version of myself
Maybe I was too harsh with my words Frustrated with rejection and abandonment I was filled with anger and resentment that needed to bleed on paper Maybe I’ve been too much of a critic Cutting you down with petty words and insults Perhaps I was projecting my own insecurities Maybe I should have taken some of the blame of your unexpected departures I know I’m not an easy woman to be with often times I’m too emotional and needy And maybe, just maybe I forgive all of you and me We were all trying our best to love and be loved And sometimes even our best isn’t enough