December Poetry Challenge: Celebration

This was my response to prompt #12: Something to celebrate

I’ll be celebrating with these two homegirls

Tonight I celebrate with friends, with champagne and music
We celebrate how far I’ve come and make a toast
to a future full of potential and promise
we laugh about all my past drama, dance to Taylor Swift and Yung Gravy
and cry with joy about everything good in my life
tonight is a celebration of the life I’ve work hard to build
tonight is a celebration of who I fought hard to become

December Poetry Challenge: Everything Annoys the Fuck Out of Me

This was my response to prompt #17: The best gift you could receive

me annoyed with everything…lol

God grant me serenity and peace
I hate it when I’m like this
everything annoys the fuck out of me
If I have to see another post about healing or trauma
or my inner child, I’m throwing my phone out the door
it’s not anything or anyone specifically
its these horrible mood swings
They transform me into a salty bitch
who sets fire to everything and everyone
with her pen and paper
at least now I channel my anger into poetry and prose
and no longer self implode
when will serenity and peace come to me permanently
and not just come to visit me temporarily?

December Poetry Challenge: Will I Finally Understand?

This was my response to prompt #27: A book you want to read

Quote from “The Body Keeps Score”

Will “The Body Keep Score” give me the answers I need
as to why my body still feels past trauma
and why I still have nightmares about people and places
who has caused me harm?
or how when a trauma anniversary comes up
like the day I lost my baby or the day I lost my mind
my body feels extra heavy and my fists are clenched all day
Will I finally understand my body can still feel the pain of trauma
months and even years later when something catastrophic happens to me?

December Poetry Challenge: A Recipe For Future Memories

This was my response to prompt #7:Your Favorite Recipe

me and my boys on thanksgiving

4 cups of milk, two sticks of cinnamon
2 chocolate bars from Cuzco,
a unhealthy and gluttonous amount of sugar
I“ll bring it all to a boil with all the love in my heart
to make Peruvian hot chocolate for my boys

Poetry: I Was Never the Marrying Kind

I wrote this in December of 2021.

I’m grateful for every past version of myself …

I was never the marrying kind
Don’t know why I forced myself into that line
Maybe because of society’s expectations
I made marriage my destination
But it wasn’t really who I ever was
Forever is not meant to be in my book of love
But still I tried for seven years
And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear
I felt trapped in a cage of my own making
Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking
But it was never truly me
Living this suburban reality
And one day I wanted to sleep forever
My mind collapsed from society’s pressure
to continue this facade of being the perfect wife
With my perfectly imperfect life
My authenticity I had to put aside
I’m a wife and mother of three
There’s no such thing as being free
But these were the lies I told myself
The critic in me I learned to quell
I learned I could be a mother but not a wife
My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride
There would no more anniversaries
We were done with self imposed forgeries
And a new chapter started with us
One full of laughter, friendship and familial love

December Poetry Challenge: Tomorrow

This was my response to prompt #23: What’s you’d really like to do tomorrow

Kailua Beach, Hawaii-my former paradise

Tomorrow I’d like to swim for the first time in my former paradise
and after lay out in the sun in my bikini
I’ve loved feel the sand everywhere instead of tolerating
another dreary and rainy day in Georgia
My mood would improve and I would write more happy poems
Instead of writing about how I hate my existence
and everyone and everything in it

Poetry: I Deserve

Apparently, here is another poem from the great breakup of 2021 that never got posted. I’ve also included the revision of it after the poem.

I deserve better
than some low class player
I deserve a man who knows how to love
not some boy that’s not enough
I deserve respect
not to be treated like an object
I deserve honesty
not someone who lies to me
I deserve to be able to trust
Not some asshole who’s out for lust
I deserve to be happy
and to not drown in misery
I deserve a real man
and not an ass from jerk land

2001

Worthy of My Energy

fuck the toxic love story I keep on repeating
I refuse to be disrespected and objectified
by another man who lies to me about love
because he’s lonely and wants me in his bed
I’m no longer a temporary bandaid
for another confused man
who doesn’t know what he wants
and discards of me when I’m stop being easy
from now on any man who wants to be with me
will have to prove himself to be worthy of my energy

December Poetry Challenge: My Grown Up Reality

This is my response to prompt #14: What did you think you’d be when you grew up

me in November of this year right before the Taylor Swift dance party in town

When I imagined my happily ever after-
it never looked like my current reality
a mother of 3 with 2 jobs, on the brink of divorce,
with 5 mental health diagnosis
and yet, I stand here with contentment in my heart
and appreciation for the life I’m living
I may not have grown up to live the life I envisioned
but I’m still proud of who I’ve become

Happy Birthday Taylor: A Taylor Swift Playlist

In honor of Taylor Swift’s Birthday, I decided to share my favorite Taylor Swift songs! I didn’t become a Swiftie until last winter when Red (Taylor’s Version) came out. Maybe it was because it was such an emotional time for me but I cried when I watched the “All Too Well” video the first time and the second time when I made my three kids watch the video with me. My youngest son unwittingly knows the lyrics to “Anti-Hero” and “Karma” because some days, I blast Swift from Alexa and my record player. I don’t think you get the full Swiftie experience unless you listen to her on vinyl. Also, in November, I spontaneously found myself at a Taylor Swift Dance Party and it was beyond amazing. I’ve included a short clip of it at the bottom. Anyways, this playlist includes what I consider the best of her work and music that’s gotten me through some of my toughest times or has uplifted me in some way. I hope y’all enjoy it:

the day that Red(Taylor’s Version) came out

Anti-Hero
Blank Space
Begin Again
All Too Well (The 10 Minute Version)
Karma
Enchanted
My Tears Ricochet
Death By a Thousand Cuts
Dress
Vigilante Shit
Right Where You Left Me
Delicate
Better Than Revenge
The Lakes
Afterglow
The 1
Long Story Short
Mastermind
Closure
Maroon
The Way I Loved You
This Love
Call It What You Want
Champagne Problems
I Bet You Think About Me
Hoax
Midnight Rain
Back to December
Clean
Mad Woman
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
Style
Bejeweled

Below is a link to my Taylor Swift spotify playlist for your listening pleasure:

Below is a short video I made of the Taylor Swift Party I went to in November, it was so much fun! I love how I’m just exuding happiness and joy in this video, it’s a complete turnaround from who I was last year:

I never said I was a singer but I was tipsy and having the time of my life…lol

December Poetry Challenge: De-cluttering

This is my response to prompt #16: Your favorite household chore

it’s always your responsibility

Springtime is here, it’s my favorite time of the year
I blast out music from Alexa and start de-cluttering
Anais Nin books I’ll never read go into the donation box
her life no longer inspires me
Dresses and outfits I wore to my trauma
are packed in a suitcase destined for Lima
Dozens of therapy sheets are recycled
I finally found calm and serenity
Springtime is here and it’s to get rid of everything
that no longer fits this new version of me

Poetry: Patience

I wrote this in December of 2021.

always reinvent yourself

Patience eludes me
I want to run and jump
to the next chapter of my life
the chapter where I’m the victor
and not the victim
the chapter where I’m a winner
and not a failure
but I need to appreciate the journey
and accept that the bumps along the way
Help me savor the next chapter
full of victories and maybe even love
Patience is a necessary virtue
for the growth and progress
necessary for the next chapter

Happy 11 Years of Blogging

The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:

Happy Halloween! What’s scarier than a regular bitch?

I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.

I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:

A Decade of Blogging

I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.

I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.

The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:

Contact Info

Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.

December Poetry Challenge: Karma

This was my response to prompt #19: One thing you’d like to see

Quote from the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”

I try to write about something positive I want to see
but today, I don’t have it in me
instead, I want to blast out my rage in verse
I try to change this narrative, but after many attempts, I fail
so today I’m going to accept how sometimes I’m a petty bitch
I can’t always be the bigger person
there’s some people I’ll never forgive
And when I think of them, petty thoughts come up
I hope Karma gets them and they suffer like I did

December Poetry Challenge: The Truth about My BPD Recovery Journey

This is my response to prompt #5: Something you know something a lot

Where is my honorary degree in my BPD recovery ?
I’ve read more books than I’ve cared to-
I’ve acknowledged more toxic patterns than I wanted to-
And I’m almost an expert at DBT
But I still have days when I think it’s all bullshit
I still have times I miss the chaos in my life
so I know I still have a long way to go in this journey
and it’s needed to fulfill my potential
I need to let go of anything that caused me harm
and say goodbye to who I once was
Thanks to this recovery journey
I’m self aware, I’m full of self compassion,
I’m going to become the best version of myself

Poetry: A Letter to My Previous Muses

I wrote this in December of 2021.

Maybe I was too harsh with my words
Frustrated with rejection and abandonment
I was filled with anger and resentment
that needed to bleed on paper
Maybe I’ve been too much of a critic
Cutting you down with petty words and insults
Perhaps I was projecting my own insecurities
Maybe I should have taken some of the blame
of your unexpected departures
I know I’m not an easy woman to be with
often times I’m too emotional and needy
And maybe, just maybe
I forgive all of you and me
We were all trying our best to love and be loved
And sometimes even our best isn’t enough