nothing ever happens to my exes after they leave- they don’t blink, they don’t flinch, they don’t need therapy and I’m so incredibly jealous of that! They’re carefree and without any feelings- Absconding without blame or any responsibility While I’m left in a spiral of shame and regret and many times losing my sanity How many more mental breakdowns will I have before accepting= love is always a dangerous game for me- no matter how casual and detached I try to be my nature will always be to give, give, give Until I lose parts of my identity Maybe this is how I keep attracting narcissists?
I plan my goals according to what I want to achieve and what will bring fulfillment and joy to my life. I keep a google doc of lifetime goals with lofty goals like owning property in the U.S and Peru and traveling to all 7 continents. Here’s a preview of it:
Get published in more online or print publications I will get a translation certification from Arizona University My Spanish will be more fluent than ever I will go to Oxapampa-4/2/2023 (goal accomplished, yay ME!) Travel to Asia Own property in Peru (preferably in Oxapampa -a house with farmland) Travel to Mexico (Frida Kahlo’s house) Go to Montgomery, Alabama-Zelda Fitzgerald’s house
I also have a short term goal list I make every year but also continue to revise them every time I start a new journal. Here’s a preview of it:
Improve on my craft
Improve my credit score
Budget way better (no take out, no amazon, no impulsive spending)
Limit drinking alcohol
Get a better second job or get a first job that pays me way more
Don’t get on stupid dating apps until after July 15th 2023-still not on any of them, yay me!
Don’t date -killing it by living a chaste life -8/18/2023
I want to add that I’m very intentional with my goals and when I start to feel stuck or stagnated in my life, I will revisit them and see which goals I’ve achieved and making progress on and which ones I need to work on. I think that having goals have given my life purpose and keeps me moving forward. Some years have harder than others to set goal, I remember in 2019 I had two goals: survive 2019, have more compassion for myself. So really, it doesn’t matter how many goals you have or what kind of goals they are, the only thing that matters is that they help you evolve and bring fulfillment to your life.
I love her and she will be mine- because i know what’s good for her because she needs me in her life as she’s a complete mess and I can save her I can fix her I can be her hero her confidant, her eternal lover
when the world gets to be too much I block, I delete, I ignore I don’t want to waste my precious energy and time on anything that drains me, that robs me of my peace I’ve fought too hard to get to a place of serenity and I can’t allow anyone or anything to ruin my newfound reality of tranquility
Insecurities and anxiety from my immigrant childhood Come out to play and my adult self wants to run away I thought I was healed from this I hate these triggers—but I still confront them even if I don’t want to I cry and write about them, reprocess something not quite healed Am I on the way to my recovery from BPD?
the facade of equality is cloaked in good intentions and lovely words- and while laws have been passed to prevent discrimination and to try to level the game of success, it’s all a sham, it’s all a con we still live in a world where the color of your skin and social status and gender determine your prosperity
did you drink your water today? did you remind yourself you’re worthy of love? did you understand you were always enough? will you repeat after me- I won’t run away from or suppress my feelings I need to face my emotions head on or else I’ll break down
you were my hope in love restored everything I had dreamed of everything I had wished for and it was nice for a while- getting lost in our love thinking it was safe, thinking it could be my permanent sanctuary until one day like clockwork you changed your mind and decided I wasn’t enough and I was left wondering “what the fuck is wrong with me?”
At 5 am, I woke up and wrote a 4 page poem about how I wasn’t enough and proceeded to crash my car and my therapist asked if I wanted to die- And I was like “nah, I just couldn’t reign my impulsivity in” at least this time I got control of the car and didn’t fuck anyone else up
My default setting must be sad because when a wave of happiness comes all I can feel is anxiety a stabbing in my gut that makes me nauseous maybe I’m still getting used to this new feeling of joy and excitement in my life Maybe I don’t know how to deal with finally being healthy and happy maybe I’m just used to my constant state of misery
sometimes I am Salma, Sexy, alluring, playful and a world of fun
Sometimes I am Sylvia Angry, frustrated, contemplative and fascinated with death
It depends on who I’m with and which woman they inspire me to be I want to find someone I can be both with A man who loves both the Salma and Sylvia in me
I used to water my roots with the supposed love of others their compliments, their energy made me whole but eventually they’d tired of being my water, my earth my everything and leave And I was left once again incomplete- until one day I learned to water my roots with my tears, my strength, my self-love And now my growth and potential are infinite
Life on the BPD 