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Poetry: Gone

I wrote this in December of 2002 and it wasn’t inspired by any breakups, it might have been inspired by a movie I watched or a book I read.

it’s like that sometimes

I woke up one day
To see that you had gone away
All you left was a note
You could no longer cope
With our love mess
You had tried your very best
To be the man I wanted you to be
The one who only cared for me
You had only pretended to be true
And now you say the time has come
You’re sorry it took so damn long
All that is left is goodbye
You tell me to not even ask why
You wish me the best in life
One day I’ll make a great wife
And with your signature you sign off
I hope that someday you’ll find true love

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Playlist: ANGRY AF

Today is National Getting Over It day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate it than by sharing my ANGRY AF playlist. A huge part for me getting over something tragic in my life is to get angry. And when I get angry, it’s almost like a volcano eruption. This is actually pretty healthy for me because I’ve felt that at times, anger has saved me from feeling all of my sadness at once which for me can get really overwhelming right away. I can even say that Anger has probably saved me from spiraling into an abyss of sadness that would be hard to crawl out of. In other words, anger has helped me survive whatever trauma has come my way. I used to be so ashamed of being angry because of how it would turn me into the most self absorbed and reactive person. I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve learned how to better manage my anger. Instead of drinking or hooking with random dudes because I’m angry; I exercise or write while I listen to music. Most of the songs in this list are geared more towards someone going through a breakup because that is when my anger comes out the most. Thanks, BPD. Lol. In bold are my favorite songs from this list. 

Lyrics from Olivia Rodrigo, Fall Out Boy, Matchbox Twenty, and Taking Back Sunday

For the Brokenhearted: I’m ANGRY AF Edition (the only where you scream out the lyrics):

  1. FUCK YOU, GOODBYE-The Kid LAROI , Machine Gun Kelly
  2. abcdefu-Gayle
  3. SELFISH-The Kid LAROI
  4. SAME ENERGY- The Kid Laroi
  5. good 4 u-Olivia Rodrigo
  6. Cute Without the “E” (Cut from the Team)-Taking Back Sunday
  7. Sugar, We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
  8. Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today-Fall Out Boy
  9. The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes-Fall Out Boy
  10. traitor-Olivia Rodrigo
  11. Better Than Revenge -Taylor Swift
  12. Push-Matchbox Twenty
  13. You Oughta Know-Alanis Morissette
  14. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together-Taylor Swift
  15. Stronger Than Me-Amy Winehouse
  16. Priest-Julia Michaels
  17. Sorry-Beyonce
  18. Death by a Thousand Cuts-Taylor Swift
  19. Closure-Taylor Swift
  20. Look What You Made Me Do-Taylor Swift
  21. Your Name Hurts-Hailee Steinfeld
  22. Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
  23. Lying Is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Her Clothes Off- Panic! At the Disco
  24. BEST FOR ME-The Kid LAROI
  25. I Bet You Think About Me-Taylor Swift
  26. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things-Taylor Swift
  27. Head Club-Taking Back Sunday
  28. Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
  29. Ignore Me-Betty
  30. Sue Me-Sabrina Carpenter

Below are links to the playlist for your listening pleasure:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Hg8JGwHHy2b230WuCFdTF?si=qRqMZm3qQLKh7S-JhNIHPw&utm_source=copy-link

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Playlist: Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself

This playlist I’m sharing is called “Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself”. This playlist is filled with songs about feeling empowered after life gets you down because of a job loss, a break up, or maybe even just a bad day. It’s about getting your strength back and remembering who were in the first place and getting ready to conquer the world. It’s about finding yourself after losing your spark. It’s about feeling like a bad bitch again. I’ve put in bold my favorite songs from this playlist.

1.Confident- Demi Lovato

2.7 Rings- Ariana Grande

3.It’s Like That-Mariah Carey

4.Build a Bitch- Bella Poarch 

5.Everything I Want to Be- Save Ferris

6.Lose Yourself-Eminem

7.Independent Women Part 1-Destiny’s Child

8.Make It Happen- Mariah Carey

9.Moments-Tove Lo

10.Good Thing-Kehlani

11.U.N.I.T.Y- Queen Latifah

12.Look at Her Now- Selena Gomez

13.Truth Hurts-Lizzo

14.Brave-Sara Bareilles

15.Express Yourself- Madonna

16.None of Your Business-Salt N Peppa

17.Most Girls- Hailee Steinfeld

18.Free Your Mind- En Vogue

19.Good As Hell-Lizzo

20.THAT BITCH-Bea Miller

Below are the links for your listening pleasure:

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Poetry: Fucking Waste

I wrote this in November of 2002. As I mentioned in my previous post, November was a chaotic month and I can’t remember who I wrote this about. Haha. Obviously I was angry at this dude. Maybe he ghosted me? Who knows?

Oh and I’m still learning -haha

I know you didn’t mean to
But you’ve made me so blue
With you nonchalant ways
To you I was just a fucking waste
So tonight I’ll leave
Why does this always happen to me?
Ending up with jerks like you
Maybe one day I’ll get a damn clue
And stop fucking around
with you fucking clowns

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Poetry: Remorseful Sentiments

I wrote this in 2002 and it wasn’t actually inspired by any past relationships/ breakups. I don’t know, maybe I understood deep down that I had a tendency to self sabotage relationships.

the post trauma is the worst

Remorseful sentiments of you still come to mind
And I ask myself
“How could I have been so blind,
to screw up everything
that meant everything to me?
With my selfishness and lies,
I destroyed our paradise
And I still remember the look upon face
As you drove away full of disgust and hate?

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Poesía : Pequeñas Riquezas

Escribí este poema en Noviembre del 2002. Fue inspirado por muchas experiencias que había tenido en ser siempre “la chica divertida del momento” para los hombres y nunca la chica con la cual quieren compartir su vida.

siempre

Ellos quedan acostados en la cama
El la mira, ella tan dormida, tan quieta
Y el piensa en muchas cosas
Aquel acuerdo que hicieron
Cuando todo esto empezó
Las condiciones que el le pidio a ella
Que ella nunca podría enamorarse de el
Y lo único que ellos podrían tener
sería un juego de sexo y nada mas
Tan simple que todo esto empezó
Pero el nunca contó con enamorarse
de esta niña-ingenua, inconveniente,
e inocente de la vida
No contaba con extranar a esta niña
Caprichosa pero con una dulzura tierna
Y por fin
Nunca se imaginaba con este dia
que ahora no siente poder vivir sin ella
y sus pequeñas riquezas

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Reflection: Scared of Love

I wrote this in August of 2002 reflecting on Andrew and Lucas. I thought that they were 2 of the greatest loves of my life. I obviously don’t feel that way anymore. I understand now that due to the circumstances out of my control, there was no way I could have had long term relationships with them.

It always be like that

I’m scared of love. Maybe I jeopardize and push away any opportunity of love knocking on my door. Or maybe it is truly bad luck. I don’t know anymore. I feel so numb and used at the same time. This love shit seems so pointless. I feel like I lost out on the greatest love of my life either 4 years ago or 2 months ago, perhaps. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much about the others and fought for the love I felt for Andrew and Lucas but I had no clue as to how they felt about me. To Andrew, I felt like a passing fad but damn I would’ve done anything for him. For Lucas, I still believe that I was an escape for him whom I also had a great friendship with. I shared everything I ever was with him. I shared my feelings, my thoughts, I even gave him my most vulnerable aspect, my heart. These two men will always and forever be in my heart, a place many had tried to reach but only two have succeeded.

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Poetry: Lucas’Song

I wrote this in December of 2002 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas. I was pretty obsessed with him. I have this saying, “just because someone stops loving you doesn’t mean you automatically stop loving them.” Having BPD and being me means that when I get obsessed with someone, that “love” I feel doesn’t go away easily. It sucks but it is what it is.

heartbreak is hard to get over

I heard your song tonight
And my mind surrendered
To the memory of your baby face
and that achingly unique voice
It made me realize
How much I still miss you
and love you
It make me think
How lucky I had been
to have had you in my life
if even for a short while

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Poetry: Apology

I wrote this in June of 2002 about Ron. It was a rough breakup to say the least. He was definitely justified in his feelings of anger towards and to respond the way he did. While I won’t say whether or not I deserved the 5 scathing emails I received after filled with insults, pain, and hate, I’m glad he did it . Maybe it made him feel better and/or gave him a sense of closure. He wasn’t being crazy, he was being human.

that’s life though..

Sorry to have broken your unwavering trust
but I had to get away from us
I never meant to hurt you
But our goodbye was long overdue
One of us had to do it eventually
Unfortunately it had be me
I hope one day you understand
Why our love,from day one was damned
And you’ll finally realize
My choice was really wise

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Poetry: Coward

I wrote this in June of 2002 when I was ghosting Ron. I was avoiding his phone calls and emails. I kept procrastinating on breaking up with him,

Forgiving myself is hard

My dear boyfriend
Sorry for being a bitch
You’ve probably noticed it’s you I ditch
Sorry for being such a coward
And being a big fat liar
Sorry for not giving you the love
you definitely deserved
and never putting you first
Sorry I wasn’t the “one”
And being so wrong
Sorry for waiting to break our ties
And all of my sorry ass lies
Sorry for never loving you
And never giving you your value

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Poesía: Cobardía

 Escribí este poema en 2002 acerca de Lucas. Estaba bien amarga y llena de amargura porque él nunca quiso dejar a su esposa. Mis pensamientos eran irracional e ilógico. Esto pasa cuando uno tiene trastorno límite de la personalidad.

pero el me olvido como los otros

El romance paro
gracias a tu cobardía
Nunca quisistes pelear
Por aquel amor que me decias
Que te hacía querer vivir la vida
Y yo me quedo aquí
Sola y desilusionada
Y tu
Con el viejo hábito
Que se llama “tu esposa”

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Poetry: Precious Moments

I wrote this in 2002 about my ex Andrew whom I dated briefly in 1997/1998. Well, we’ll call him the first Andrew because I love to recycle names. Lol. I had a tendency to get nostalgic about because the love and infatuation I felt for him was really, really intense. Also, our story was kind of crazy in its own right but that’s another blogpost. I’ll just say that I idealize him and placed him on a pedestal for many, many years after we broke up.

so true

I think of you tonight
More than I do on most nights
Listening to this melancholic song
Brings back all of those precious moments
With you in my mind
When we were each other’s whole world
And nothing or no one else
mattered except you and I
And I wonder if I ever run through
that beautiful mind of yours
Or if I ever reached your heart
if even for the briefest moment

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Poesia: Que Espera?

Escribí este poema en 2002 acerca cuando estaba involucrada con mi compañero de trabajo Lucas que estaba casado. Estaba bien celosa y amarga.

La Verdad, yo fui una de muchas

Usted qué espera señor
Que le siga dando amor
Sabiendo que usted comparte
mis caricias, mis noches
Tambien con ella
Sabiendo que me duele el alma
Cada vez que me entero
Que usted estuvo con aquella
Lo siento, pero no estoy aquí
para ser su tonta
Por nuestro “amor”
Esta historia tiene que parar
Y no lo quiero ver nunca más

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Poetry: Without a Goodbye

I wrote this poem in 2001. I think that this poem was inspired by seeing what one of my family members was going through during their separation.

life is strange

Walking through this house
so full in every single room
are memories of you
the living room where
you held me
the kitchen where we dined
the bedroom we made love
kind of hard to imagine
all that is left,
are pictures of you
in my mind
but I have to accept that
this house will be
empty and cold
just like my heart
since you left
without saying goodbye

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Poetry: A Liberal Kind of Love

I wrote this in September of 2001, I guess I was frustrated with dating because it sucked getting stuck in relationships I had no business being in. Half the time, I did it to not be lonely but then I found myself miserable.

the magic is in you

A Liberal Kind of Love 

Holding hands and kisses
on the cheeks is
what we are no longer about

Hot and sweaty bodies
fucking with a goodbye
note in the morning
is now our nature

Respect, honesty, and trust
are long forgotten words

Deception, disillusionments and selfishness
are now our sacred words