I used to find it romantic and endearing how in Hollywood stories the protagonists triumphs over insurmountable obstacles to find their happy endings until I notice there’s always a third party who’s left behind a third party who’s expendable and the cost of the happy ending the protagonist are granted it makes me wretched with empathy and feel grief for them because too often, I’ve known what it’s like to be left for someone prettier, shinier, easier, MORE EXCITING and I wonder if it’s time to write stories about them the third parties left behind who didn’t make the cut in their lover’s love story
You were one of my false starts this year it wasn’t your fault though I tend to get stars in my eyes over any man who gives me attention, And is equally emotionally unavailable
It’s a lethal combination for me And even if I know better, I always fall for it except this time I fell harder than usual because you’re also a man who calls me out on my bullshit
ceo assassin come find me, I bet you’re a crazy communist who can match my bpd and bipolar energy you leave me breathless with an insatiable sexual hunger to make magic between my sheets ceo assassin come find me, let’s run away together from this capitalistic bullshit society and form our own version of utopia one where universal healthcare is a real thing, one where no one has to work 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, one where we are working to live and not living to work ceo assassin come find me, I don’t care that you’re on the most wanted list, I don’t care that they call you a murderous psychopath all I can see in front of me is divine masculinity and bravery who’s fucking tired of the trickle down economics false narrative this consumerist society conditions us to believe and i, more than other people understand you perfectly I can’t recall how many times I, too have found myself in a murderous rage wanting to turn to violence to make my working class anger heard and seen to send a message to the haves and the heathers, karens, chads, and brads of the world fuck you and your vacations, your teslas, and your brand name clothing while the rest of us have to settle for crumbs of the American Dream ceo assassin come find me, between your anger and mine combined, it could be the match that ignites an entire revolution not just against those who deny our insurance claims but also going against the 1 percent who deny us the freedom to just exist without worrying about how to make it in this consumeristic society and parasitic world without going crazy
your boundaries are clear as spring water I heard them between the gaps of silence in our texts you don’t want to encourage any attention from me or send mixed messages so instead, you don’t answer or initiate any conversations and I don’t blame you for this- After all, I am batshit crazy, I wouldn’t date me either so I will no longer bother you I’ll leave you alone respect the professional boundaries and walls you have erected Take this as another sign from the universe I’m still too damaged for another chance at love
run away from your demons, run away from your trauma by running away to the philippines and abandoning your 4 children and playing happy families with the girl who’s only 2 years older than your oldest son run away and try to live out your own version of happiness pretend your American nightmare was a nightmare lived and already forgotten about except your children’s faces and all of your misdeeds will come to haunt you in your dreams the minute you find sleep it won’t matter how many trips, how many child brides you have, how much you tell yourself “I’m great, I’m fine” all of that guilt sits in your gut ready to burst ready to explode and another bout of pleading forgiveness will appear out of nowhere as you near 50 and after that happens Karma will come around you’ll sow what you harvest and reaped
Like shipwrecks in a cavern, somehow we came together putting bandaids of lust to sooth and cover our loneliness causing chaos and rejecting each other only to always come back to each other and it was entertaining for a while until we both realized it was a waste of time and energy and fled to different caverns
a moment of serendipity happened when we ran into each other Christmas shopping You struck up a conversation and helped me with my bags and I told you about my plans for higher education and you said you wanted to help me and got my phone number we didn’t know at the time, one day we’d form a family get married and divorced within a span of twenty years isn’t life, so, so crazy? How ten minutes of conversation ended up leading to the beginning of one of my most important stories?
magneto y locomía sale de la tele mi tío me llamaba su condesita y mi tía me llamaba linda y me río porque últimamente me siento como una extraña en mi cuerpo y mami y sus hermanas me dicen que me estoy volviendo una señorita pero lo único que veo es un monstruo fea y gorda en el espejo y quisiera ser delgadita y fina como mis primas pero por lo menos mi tío y mi tía no me miran así me miran como un tesoro bello y valioso
I met him outside on a hot July night he was everything I was not looking for but it was a devastatingly short fall and then I was lost in him and everything I wanted him to be It wasn’t fair to him or I expectations that were sky high with him I wanted everything but he wasn’t ready to be my love king Perhaps he was just a preview for a future love dream come true
8 years ago, I didn’t want to be here and took 15 sleeping pills one for every miserable year I found myself stuck in a story that filled me with misery 8 years ago, I didn’t want to be here and tried to disappear by any means necessary my demons and inner critic were getting to me and I couldn’t find my way out of the abyss I had fallen in and thought it be easier to cease to exist 8 years I didn’t want to be here and felt so weak I didn’t think I could make it but 8 years later, I’m still here and even though it’s kind of a shitty day with so many things looming over me and my hormones and emotions are getting the better of me making me borderline psychotic I am still glad I EXIST I’m grateful I’ve lived to see mine and my son’s many milestones I’m grateful for the person I am now who always triumphs over each catastrophe and tragedy and everything experienced between the extreme highs and lows of life I’m filled with love and compassion and with a hidden excitement for what’s to come I’m filled with awe and wonder for the miracle that is me
radical self compassion and grace falls from my life as thoughts of crashing my car unintentionally come to the surface of my mind but this happens every year in early december the old me from 2016 still wants to be heard and seen the trauma from her is visiting me mixed with winter and PMDD and lack of sleep makes me feel incompetent and unworthy of existing but I resist and resist thoughts of self harm and despair there is still too much life left in me and besides it’s one bad day out of many Tomorrow, tomorrow, is another day, another sunrise, another sunset another brand new beginning
desperation and despair sounds like a former friend calling me out of the blue, asking me for numbers of drug dealers I used to know saying it’s a matter of life and death in shock, I tell him I’m a different person from who he used to know I couldn’t help him-the call ends- I’m no longer the person he used to know I finally understand my value and worth
Life on the BPD 