a moment of serendipity happened when we ran into each other Christmas shopping You struck up a conversation and helped me with my bags and I told you about my plans for higher education and you said you wanted to help me and got my phone number we didn’t know at the time, one day we’d form a family get married and divorced within a span of twenty years isn’t life, so, so crazy? How ten minutes of conversation ended up leading to the beginning of one of my most important stories?
I called you my mr.wrong for a long time and hated myself for loving you- I knew we weren’t heading anywhere- you were the complete opposite of me but connection and chemistry kept me returning to you Even though I knew one day we’d end and one day came when we both got sick of our constant toxicity and shut down our whatevership And while I know it was for the best and we never wanted the same things- last night I dreamed of you coming to my house and sneaking into my bed And I wonder if part of my subconscious still misses you
magneto y locomía sale de la tele mi tío me llamaba su condesita y mi tía me llamaba linda y me río porque últimamente me siento como una extraña en mi cuerpo y mami y sus hermanas me dicen que me estoy volviendo una señorita pero lo único que veo es un monstruo fea y gorda en el espejo y quisiera ser delgadita y fina como mis primas pero por lo menos mi tío y mi tía no me miran así me miran como un tesoro bello y valioso
8 years ago, I didn’t want to be here and took 15 sleeping pills one for every miserable year I found myself stuck in a story that filled me with misery 8 years ago, I didn’t want to be here and tried to disappear by any means necessary my demons and inner critic were getting to me and I couldn’t find my way out of the abyss I had fallen in and thought it be easier to cease to exist 8 years I didn’t want to be here and felt so weak I didn’t think I could make it but 8 years later, I’m still here and even though it’s kind of a shitty day with so many things looming over me and my hormones and emotions are getting the better of me making me borderline psychotic I am still glad I EXIST I’m grateful I’ve lived to see mine and my son’s many milestones I’m grateful for the person I am now who always triumphs over each catastrophe and tragedy and everything experienced between the extreme highs and lows of life I’m filled with love and compassion and with a hidden excitement for what’s to come I’m filled with awe and wonder for the miracle that is me
there will be no more lamentations for what was once scattered across my journals and notebooks from now on, I hold my head up high and look towards the sky
I wouldn’t visit your grave a second time once you died you’re not worth my time, you’re not worth my energy I’d already would be forced to say my goodbyes at your passing due to our familial connections and I want to be respectful to my sister and nephews but after that I never want to think about you again with your death I want to bury the harm done-the trauma you caused and move on
Inti came out in full force today wanting to play and it lit a light inside of me Fierce and ready to run towards the potential inside waiting to be taken advantage of
you look lost in your thoughts is there something wrong, something I did- what’s on your mind that makes you silent and sad tell me what’s going on- so I can help lessen your burden
I wish I could forgive everyone who did me harm- but something in me won’t allow me too maybe it’s unprocessed trauma that still wants to speak- about every single atrocity I’ve experienced at the hands of those who said they care for me and love me I really wish I was better than this- constantly holding onto these old grudges but something in me still needs to heal so I can stop obsessing about revenge
outgrowing old patterns is like I’m shedding my skin And new healthy skin is replacing it at times I want to scream and feel like I’m dying and other times I’m fine Am I finally close to recovery from BPD?
breathing out the past, inhaling the future I fall into emotional stability and it’s uncomfortable I didn’t understand or know how to live a life without chaos because for most of my life I danced in the fire of chaos-wildly swinging everywhere Discordant and without direction And now I found rhythm along with direction
false words fall from the lips of the supposed chosen prophets and some people are desperate enough to believe them some people see hope in those words in a world that has forgotten about them
The way my body feels as my legs take flight brings freedom to my soul It brings me a sense of amazement thinking of how I went from couch potato to a woman who needs a run in the sun to feel grounded, to feel sane
in 2021, I ventured from the moon and landed on the ace of pentacles never expecting to experience a revolution of self love never expecting to one day feel like I was enough but when I found myself down and alone with no one to lift me up I had to find my inner strength, my queen resilience to slowly lift myself up and walk and eventually run towards the light my ancestors turned on for me it became a marathon of healing with ugly twists where I stumbled at times but eventually I found a rhythm in my routine that was conducive to my healing journey and I learned to dance with life life no longer happened to me as I sat quietly and in my misery this time I danced with life stomping my feet loudly and dramatically no longer caring what others thoughts of me from that moment on I became the heroine and my own muse in my life movie owning everything that happened to me Understanding the power and magic I always held within had been and will always be too much for others but it will always be right for me
The stillness in my life makes me insane I’m craving an adventure I’m craving ecstasy I’m craving the unpredictable To lie in the stillness feels like dying and I want to live Live life spontaneously,live life musically Live a life full of excitement To live in this stillness makes me feel like I’m drowning in a lake of stagnation
Life on the BPD 