you creep into my dreams once again and I hate my brain for it/canβt it understand thereβs nothing left to say/thereβs no need for closure/this distance is better for both of us/besides thereβs no coming back from this
canβt seem to get away from my demons no matter how fast i run, no matter how healed I claim to be they always haunt me in my dreams, or when Iβm at my most vulnerable and happy thinking life might finally be going right for me But out of the blue, my new boyfriend annoys me, unexpected bills show up, my stalker is back and creeping on my blog, and I fight with my teenage son I wonder what did I do to piss off the universe this time
my joe goldberg is back and a sense of doom overwhelms me especially because I know how psychol this Joe is from thinking heβs in love with me because of my blog to remember the constant barrage of harassment I endured from him for a few years, I got a major case of the icks and while I should be extra happy my blog is getting ten time the views it normally gets it creeps me out entirely knowing itβs him knowing that somehow my blog and my pics on there are fodder for his spank back and his many delusions
itβs the hunger games time again I meant the MET Gala where celebrities show off their ostentatious and grotesque expensive outfits while the majority of us are trying to make sure all of the bills are paid, wondering if we do indeed deserve our weekly treat at starbucks, while some of us are being deported to countries we donβt belong to or that we donβt remember for the sole crime of being brown and having the right documents
itβs the hunger games time again oh I meant the MET Gala and of course weβre shocked Sabrina didnβt wear pants and that Rihanna is pregnant again even though half a world away in Gaza, moms are burying their children, thatβs if theyβre lucky to find them under the rubble and the Good Ole USA is on itβs way to becoming a Nazi state and half of us are in a cult devoted to Trump while the other half are struggling and unsure of where to look for comfort, for reprieve from all of the fires burning
some storms are worth the rainbows that come after them like the first steps taken after an invasive and life changing surgery like the victory dinner after the termination of a marriage that never should have happened like the first drive alone after beating a 15 year driving phobia like the child graduating at the top 10 percent of his class even though the odds were stacked against him like the rainbow child born after enduring the nightmare of losing one like still being here and writing a poem about storms and rainbows even though many times youβve been tempted by thanatos whispers to end it some storms are worth the rainbows that come after them because rainbows are hope, magic, and joy that make a life worth living
I blame my ADD, Mami and hypersensitivity for my poetic tendencies I never had the attention span or time to learn to play an instrument or paint instead at 15, I learned to write poems out of the shards in my heart left from a breakup after reading Becquer, and ever since then Itβs been an ongoing love affair with poetry one that is a refuge from the outside world, one that has been therapeutic when I felt the sky fall on me many times and while on most days I still suffer from imposter syndrome and donβt consider myself a real poet I donβt and wonβt ever let that deter me from processing the wonderful, terrible, and crazy things in my life through poetry
I am a witch and sometimes a bitch if youβre lucky Youβll see the sweet side of me where I’m your real life magical wet dream come true If youβre unlucky, youβll meet the BPD me the worst bitch youβll regret meeting in your entire life because if you treat me badly, Iβll make sure youβre laugh at when I read a poem about you at open mic
abuela, today is your 94th birthday and I still look for you in mine and papiβs face I still wonder how your story would have turned out if you hadnβt been taken away from us at age 50 I still wonder if your spirit was with me and my son on that magical day 2 years ago I still weave parts of your story into mine since our paths were so alike and today I wonder if along your goddess cleavage, I also inherited your fiery spirit and generosity I wonder if right now youβre looking down on me confused with the life I lead or accepting and understanding I was made different from the women in my family
the sexual tension between me and ghosting everyone is insane
we lie to ourselves continuously about our needs to save face, to avoid conquering our fears to not feel insecure weβll tell ourselves we are better off alone and independent when in reality as humans we are meant to be social we are meant to share ourselves with others but itβs cooler to say, βIβm good with my solitude, Iβm my own best friendβ because deep down inside we donβt want to get hurt again
subtitles jump from my phone screen violently one of the few films from 1950βs mexico that address domestic violence one of the few films to portray the man as the crazy one but instead of him going to prison for his many crimes against his wife he ends up locked up in a monastery
feet washed and kissed in front of others everyone calls her blessed and lucky no one knows about the scars she hides beneath her lilac modest dress no one believes her if she told them what a monster he was behind closed doors
weβre in our saorsa era, redemptive and honest a complete 180 turn to who we were before a story I like so much better than our last one always said I was a much better friend and girlfriend
hot summer nights on your porch meant the world to me and inspired an unusual amount of poems Iβm starting to think that writing poems is how I hold onto the magic of our memories