me manifesting that one day I’ll be holding a book with my stories
middle age me is not seeking revenge on all who caused me trauma I’m simply trying to make sense of the fuckery that happened to me I’m simply trying to address the unhealed trauma that still lies within me and haunts me in my dreams I’m trying to process and understand that I never deserved any of it I’m trying to get rid of that shame and guilt I’ve carried from it and while sometimes that looks vindictive I’m sorry but the only way to my journey in healing work is through uninhibited storytelling
I’m looking for the rhythm of a new heartbeat to fall in love with A heartbeat that goes with the flow of my intense intimacy A heartbeat who doesn’t call me angel or princess only calls me by my name a heartbeat who’ll fall in love with the real me and not the idea they have of me or the persona I play on social media A heartbeat who can handle my crazy and chaos A heartbeat who accepts and understands me and never tries to change me
Mason like the jar was his name being a fuckboy was his game He tried to act wise beyond his 23 years But he was still wet behind his ears He thought he could deceive me and lies and lies and lies he told me told me he lived with a roommate when it was really his soul mate He wanted his ice cream and cake but I saw through his con game And right away I stopped our lust filled affair My respect I needed to firmly declare
once upon a time I wrote a lovely poem about us and called it by starlight it told the story of our first night but now you’re gone and all I’m left with are memories of who we once were and while I miss you I know it’s better this way we both needed a clean slate from our baggage to start anew with someone else we both needed to have a brand new start with someone who fits into the new versions of who we are now
My former lover prays for me because I won’t fuck him Is this how it feels like to change my story from on call whore to an I’m healing and deserve better “Woman Is this how it feels like to to go from fun girl to healthy woman I use to measure my worth by who loved me or who wanted to fuck me but those days of impulsivity and “hey, this will be fun” are long gone Now are the days of painful transformations,therapy worksheets, self reflection and most importantly self love So I put away my sexy vixen persona And I put on my ” “I’m authentic without apologies persona” I’ve stopped living to please others and now live to please myself
this poem has to be one of the most unhinged things I’ve ever written
My past called to me and I made the mistake of answering it and looked for the former main characters in my life Stalked them on google and social media and most of them didn’t want to be found perhaps they did the right thing in wanting to live their lives in peace without their ghosts haunting them but two of the ones who had the great impact on me both of them are happily married one of them has a son my youngest son’s age I’m glad he grew out of his peter pan syndrome and the other is about to finally become a dad at 43 his lifelong dream come true after waiting for so long I’m trying to be happy for him and with all that I’m ready to really close that chapter On my past because while I was distracted from my grief And highly entertained by my theatrics and my shitty choices in men when I was in my twenties Its time to stop this business of reminiscing of what was and what could have been Its time to accept what is and what could be and focus on making my own lifelong dreams come true And be open to my invisible string out there somewhere waiting for me
winter comes with the iciest winds and everything inside me freezes and I fawn is this what they call seasonal depression yet it’s much more than that it’s a “what’s the point” status it’s a “I’m looking forward for this day to be over as soon as I wake up”- my bed becomes my church, my family, my community where I find comfort in not thinking, in ignoring the noise of the world winter comes with the iciest winds and it’s hard to function but yet I do and I feel like a fictional character playing my part in a society fueled by greed and capitalism
me on New Year’s Eve manifesting a year of calm and peace
Another new year, and there are no resolutions Another new year and no better or new me Another new year, and I’ll keep my expectations low With a cautious dose of faith and hope I want a year full of peace and calm Where love for myself continues to be enough Writing, running, and working fill up my time Another new year and loneliness is not eating me up and freedom feels like solitude and this vacation from dating feels heavenly and music and books are all of the pleasure I need Another new year, and I just want to continue this journey of healing from the past and self-discovery It’s another new year, and for once, I have everything I want in life
I want to find my way to forgiveness instead I’m covered in hate I want to find my way to kindness instead of being stuck in this cage of anger and rage I want true radical acceptance instead of being a victim to my black and white thinking I want to be full of Zen Instead of being full of insecurity I want a stable sense of identity instead of this constant confusion about who I am I want to write about happiness and joy instead of filling up my pages with petty pouts
Siempre seran lo mas importante para mi-mi prioridad- nunca esperé que mi sueño de tener una familia sería una realidad inesperada pero los tres son el sol, la luna, el universo en mis ojos son mis mas dulces tesoros
You were one of my false starts this year it wasn’t your fault though I tend to get stars in my eyes over any man who gives me attention, And is equally emotionally unavailable
It’s a lethal combination for me And even if I know better, I always fall for it except this time I fell harder than usual because you’re also a man who calls me out on my bullshit
ceo assassin come find me, I bet you’re a crazy communist who can match my bpd and bipolar energy you leave me breathless with an insatiable sexual hunger to make magic between my sheets ceo assassin come find me, let’s run away together from this capitalistic bullshit society and form our own version of utopia one where universal healthcare is a real thing, one where no one has to work 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, one where we are working to live and not living to work ceo assassin come find me, I don’t care that you’re on the most wanted list, I don’t care that they call you a murderous psychopath all I can see in front of me is divine masculinity and bravery who’s fucking tired of the trickle down economics false narrative this consumerist society conditions us to believe and i, more than other people understand you perfectly I can’t recall how many times I, too have found myself in a murderous rage wanting to turn to violence to make my working class anger heard and seen to send a message to the haves and the heathers, karens, chads, and brads of the world fuck you and your vacations, your teslas, and your brand name clothing while the rest of us have to settle for crumbs of the American Dream ceo assassin come find me, between your anger and mine combined, it could be the match that ignites an entire revolution not just against those who deny our insurance claims but also going against the 1 percent who deny us the freedom to just exist without worrying about how to make it in this consumeristic society and parasitic world without going crazy
Life on the BPD 