Posted on by pattytacuri

Poetry: Maybe One Day

I wrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had figured out that John wasn’t for me but I prayed to God that maybe he was a preview of the love I hoped for.

my truth

Perhaps you’re not the man
God meant to send me
But the fantasy
I’ve always dreamed of
Someone so innocent
And passionate at the same time
So sheltered from the world
But you still contain a fountain of wisdom
Beyond your 23 years
I know already not to make too much of this
I just have one wish
That one day I’ll meet someone
like you again in my future
And he will be the one
Forever meant for me

Posted on by pattytacuri

Poetry: Could I Be The One?

I wrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had only known him a couple of weeks and had already become so infatuated with him and obsessed.

love is an adventure

Could I be the one
who makes you stop having fun?
Could I be the girl
who becomes your whole world?
Could I be the light
in your darkest nights?
Could I be the passion
who becomes your inspiration?
Could I be the hope
Who helps you cope
Could I be the love of your life
and possibly even your wife?

Posted on by pattytacuri

Poesia: Demaciado Sencilla

Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John cuando el me rechazo. Estaba bien enfadada.

Óyeme cuando te digo
Que ya no te amo
Me hiciste mucho daño
Por eso se acabo
Este doloroso cuento de amor
En que no supiste
Apreciar todo lo bueno que te quise ofrecer
Quizás tu pensarías
Que yo era demasiado sencilla

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

Playlist: Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself

This playlist I’m sharing is called “Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself”. This playlist is filled with songs about feeling empowered after life gets you down because of a job loss, a break up, or maybe even just a bad day. It’s about getting your strength back and remembering who were in the first place and getting ready to conquer the world. It’s about finding yourself after losing your spark. It’s about feeling like a bad bitch again. I’ve put in bold my favorite songs from this playlist.

1.Confident- Demi Lovato

2.7 Rings- Ariana Grande

3.It’s Like That-Mariah Carey

4.Build a Bitch- Bella Poarch 

5.Everything I Want to Be- Save Ferris

6.Lose Yourself-Eminem

7.Independent Women Part 1-Destiny’s Child

8.Make It Happen- Mariah Carey

9.Moments-Tove Lo

10.Good Thing-Kehlani

11.U.N.I.T.Y- Queen Latifah

12.Look at Her Now- Selena Gomez

13.Truth Hurts-Lizzo

14.Brave-Sara Bareilles

15.Express Yourself- Madonna

16.None of Your Business-Salt N Peppa

17.Most Girls- Hailee Steinfeld

18.Free Your Mind- En Vogue

19.Good As Hell-Lizzo

20.THAT BITCH-Bea Miller

Below are the links for your listening pleasure:

Posted on by pattytacuri · 5 Comments

Poetry: Your Little Game

I wrote this in October of 2002 about my first son’s bio dad. I had a lot of residual resentment for my son’s bio dad. Therapy would have helped with processing processing the trauma but at least I had poetry.

my truth, my trauma

The thought of you never escapes my mind
not even for just one night
Your little game has caused me a lifetime of hurt,
resentment, and pain
Now I’ll never be the same
And I will forever ask myself
Why is it me and our innocent child
the ones to suffer for your thoughtless actions?
Him, without someone to call dad
and me,taken away from my youth
Forced to grow up too fast

Posted on by pattytacuri · 4 Comments

Poetry: Finally

I wrote this in April 2002 after sleeping with Lucas for the first time. This situation was fucked up and crazy for many reasons but that’s another story time blog post. Let’s just say that I’m not great at making the best life choices at times.

Anais is not wrong

I finally fucked
the forbidden married man
It was good, it was great
it was wonderful
It was a heaven full of ecstasy
It was dirty, it was shameful
it was ugly
It was a hell full of guilt

Posted on by pattytacuri

Poetry: Father Son Mile

I wrote this in 2002 about my oldest son’s father. I really wanted him to step up to be a dad to our son despite our turbulent past.

truth

You make me think
to look past that fateful night of fucking
So I forced that memory to fade fast
Even when a baby was made
Cause you chose her over me
I had to assume it was fate
That there could neve be a “we”
Just forget about that night
And clean our slate white
And walk with him the father-son mile

Posted on by pattytacuri · 7 Comments

Poetry: Fucking Waste

I wrote this in November of 2002. As I mentioned in my previous post, November was a chaotic month and I can’t remember who I wrote this about. Haha. Obviously I was angry at this dude. Maybe he ghosted me? Who knows?

Oh and I’m still learning -haha

I know you didn’t mean to
But you’ve made me so blue
With you nonchalant ways
To you I was just a fucking waste
So tonight I’ll leave
Why does this always happen to me?
Ending up with jerks like you
Maybe one day I’ll get a damn clue
And stop fucking around
with you fucking clowns

Posted on by pattytacuri

Poetry: Wrong

I wrote this in November of 2002. November was such a chaotic month that year that I don’t remember who wrote this about. I think it was probably a one night stand that I had a connection with. It’s obvious that I read way too much into the situation than I should have.

Oh it does

My mind tries to forget
Everything that happened last night
But my heart puts up a fight
My mind tells me it’s wrong and a mistake
But my heart yells that it wasn’t just sex
But it was also fate
My mind considers it a lost cause
but my heart finds a love feeling once lost

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

Playlist: Let’s Get Sexy

my current love interest

For the thirsty Thursday before Valentine’s Day, I have a sexy playlist for y’all. I’m a very sensual person which should be obvious from reading my blog. I’ve have had different types of sex from one night stands to FWBs to bdsm partners to longterm romantic partners. I’m not in any way ashamed of my sexual adventures. I’m actually proud of my versatility in my sexual adventures that I’ve had for more than 2 decades. It’s one of the perks of my BPD, my hypersexuality. The way I see it, when I get to be an old woman in my 90’s I won’t regret looking back on my life wishing I had tried a certain sexual experience because chances are I’ve probably tried it. Now, have I been slut shamed and judged for my adventurous sex life? Oh yeah, I’ve been slut shamed many, many times since I started having sex and as recently as last year. I could write more about slut shaming but that’s another blog post. Sex for me is one of the best things in life. And I’m not just talking with a partner;I’m also talking about sexy self love with your plastic boyfriend from Amazon (aka your vibrator) and a fantasy in mind. This playlist can be played while you’re fucking or making love to your partner or masturbating. It could be played whether you feel like a sensual princess or a seductive Queen.In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…not everybody does it but everybody should”. Also, as someone that works for Public Health, I will tell you to get tested for STI/HIV on a regular basis if you are sexually active and always, always use protection.

Mood: Sensual Princess
Mood: Seductive Queen

The ones in bold really get me going:

Dress -Taylor Swift
PILLOWTALK-Zayn
Need You Tonight-INXS
Anywhere-112
Trumpets-Jason Derulo
Earned It -The Weekend
I Touch Myself -Divinyls
Come and Talk to Me-Jodeci
Any Time, Any Place- Janet Jackson
Doin’ It-LL Cool J
God is a woman-Ariana Grande
Whip Appeal-Babyface
Good For You-Selena Gomez
I’ll Make Love To You-Boyz II Men
Heaven-Julia Michaels
Lights Down Low-MAX
Red Light Special-TLC
Sexual Healing-Marvin Gaye
I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd
Leave The Door Open-Bruno Mars
I Want Your Sex-George Michael
Like a Prayer- Madonna
Freak Like Me-Adina Howard
WAP-Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion
Love You Down-Ready For The Word

Below are the links for your listening pleasure:

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

Poetry: Reclaiming Myself

I wrote this in November of 2002 about my son’s oldest dad. I don’t know; maybe I read too much into it when he told me he had feelings for me. I guess that maybe I thought he would choose me. Idk. I guess I was delusional or something.

truth

Once upon a time
I wanted to kill myself
I almost felt myself cross that line
Felt like I had no inner wealth
But seeing you again
Inspired me to pull myself together
And this time I knew how to weather
When once again you’d decide we couldn’t be together
And I’d had to once again face your “accidental” departure

Posted on by pattytacuri · 4 Comments

Poetry: A World Full of Regrets

I wrote this in November of 2002 about my oldest son’s dad. I guess I was trying to view things from his perspective. Seeing him again felt surreal and almost like a dream.

for real

His memory draws blank
Trying to think of that naïve girl
And how they made that baby
He would later on deny
And five years later
After meeting again
That once precocious girl
Turned into a woman
He remembers her tender beauty
And the sexual tension
That drove them crazy
to that baby making night
And meeting his son for the first time
He encounters a world full of regrets

Posted on by pattytacuri

Poetry: Remorseful Sentiments

I wrote this in 2002 and it wasn’t actually inspired by any past relationships/ breakups. I don’t know, maybe I understood deep down that I had a tendency to self sabotage relationships.

the post trauma is the worst

Remorseful sentiments of you still come to mind
And I ask myself
“How could I have been so blind,
to screw up everything
that meant everything to me?
With my selfishness and lies,
I destroyed our paradise
And I still remember the look upon face
As you drove away full of disgust and hate?