December Poetry Challenge: Tomorrow

This was my response to prompt #23: What’s you’d really like to do tomorrow

Kailua Beach, Hawaii-my former paradise

Tomorrow I’d like to swim for the first time in my former paradise
and after lay out in the sun in my bikini
I’ve loved feel the sand everywhere instead of tolerating
another dreary and rainy day in Georgia
My mood would improve and I would write more happy poems
Instead of writing about how I hate my existence
and everyone and everything in it

Poetry: I Deserve

Apparently, here is another poem from the great breakup of 2021 that never got posted. I’ve also included the revision of it after the poem.

I deserve better
than some low class player
I deserve a man who knows how to love
not some boy that’s not enough
I deserve respect
not to be treated like an object
I deserve honesty
not someone who lies to me
I deserve to be able to trust
Not some asshole who’s out for lust
I deserve to be happy
and to not drown in misery
I deserve a real man
and not an ass from jerk land

2001

Worthy of My Energy

fuck the toxic love story I keep on repeating
I refuse to be disrespected and objectified
by another man who lies to me about love
because he’s lonely and wants me in his bed
I’m no longer a temporary bandaid
for another confused man
who doesn’t know what he wants
and discards of me when I’m stop being easy
from now on any man who wants to be with me
will have to prove himself to be worthy of my energy

December Poetry Challenge: Arrival

This is my response to prompt #11: A goal you reached

I know my worth..now fuck off 🤣🤣🤣

Getting rid off my self imposed chains of insecurity and doubt
I no longer give any fucks-I no longer hold back
I announce my arrival when I drive, when I make love, and when I blog
I’m liberated from the chaos I used to cause
and have accepted sometimes an attention whore or an introvert
and it’s okay to swing between both
as long as I honor my truth and know my worth

December Poetry Challenge: 99.9 Percent

This is my response to prompt #15: the best kind of surprise

sometimes you have to say “fuck it”

Love surprises me with a glance, with a slight touch on my hand
And 99.9 percent of me wants to run
I don’t want to take a chance once again with my sanity
but the romantic in me say “fuck it”
maybe this will finally be a different story
one where my lover doesn’t leave

Poetry: Tell ME

Aqui esta en enlace para la version en Espanol:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/22/poesia-dime/

Why did you break our romantic ties?
What did she have to make you leave me suddenly?
Why do I keep repeating the same stupid story,
of finding myself the woman used and scorned?
I’m fucking exhausted with rage
always making the same mistake over and over again
giving all of my myself to another confused man
who leaves me when I’m no longer easy

December Poetry Challenge: My Grown Up Reality

This is my response to prompt #14: What did you think you’d be when you grew up

me in November of this year right before the Taylor Swift dance party in town

When I imagined my happily ever after-
it never looked like my current reality
a mother of 3 with 2 jobs, on the brink of divorce,
with 5 mental health diagnosis
and yet, I stand here with contentment in my heart
and appreciation for the life I’m living
I may not have grown up to live the life I envisioned
but I’m still proud of who I’ve become

Happy Birthday Taylor: A Taylor Swift Playlist

In honor of Taylor Swift’s Birthday, I decided to share my favorite Taylor Swift songs! I didn’t become a Swiftie until last winter when Red (Taylor’s Version) came out. Maybe it was because it was such an emotional time for me but I cried when I watched the “All Too Well” video the first time and the second time when I made my three kids watch the video with me. My youngest son unwittingly knows the lyrics to “Anti-Hero” and “Karma” because some days, I blast Swift from Alexa and my record player. I don’t think you get the full Swiftie experience unless you listen to her on vinyl. Also, in November, I spontaneously found myself at a Taylor Swift Dance Party and it was beyond amazing. I’ve included a short clip of it at the bottom. Anyways, this playlist includes what I consider the best of her work and music that’s gotten me through some of my toughest times or has uplifted me in some way. I hope y’all enjoy it:

the day that Red(Taylor’s Version) came out

Anti-Hero
Blank Space
Begin Again
All Too Well (The 10 Minute Version)
Karma
Enchanted
My Tears Ricochet
Death By a Thousand Cuts
Dress
Vigilante Shit
Right Where You Left Me
Delicate
Better Than Revenge
The Lakes
Afterglow
The 1
Long Story Short
Mastermind
Closure
Maroon
The Way I Loved You
This Love
Call It What You Want
Champagne Problems
I Bet You Think About Me
Hoax
Midnight Rain
Back to December
Clean
Mad Woman
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
Style
Bejeweled

Below is a link to my Taylor Swift spotify playlist for your listening pleasure:

Below is a short video I made of the Taylor Swift Party I went to in November, it was so much fun! I love how I’m just exuding happiness and joy in this video, it’s a complete turnaround from who I was last year:

I never said I was a singer but I was tipsy and having the time of my life…lol

You’re the best Taylor!

Thanks to Taylor Swift, I have these cringy videos to look back on and laugh about:

I remember being super hyped up and angry recording this video…lol
Thanks Taylor for the inspiration …hahaha

December Poetry Challenge: De-cluttering

This is my response to prompt #16: Your favorite household chore

it’s always your responsibility

Springtime is here, it’s my favorite time of the year
I blast out music from Alexa and start de-cluttering
Anais Nin books I’ll never read go into the donation box
her life no longer inspires me
Dresses and outfits I wore to my trauma
are packed in a suitcase destined for Lima
Dozens of therapy sheets are recycled
I finally found calm and serenity
Springtime is here and it’s to get rid of everything
that no longer fits this new version of me

Poetry: Patience

I wrote this in December of 2021.

always reinvent yourself

Patience eludes me
I want to run and jump
to the next chapter of my life
the chapter where I’m the victor
and not the victim
the chapter where I’m a winner
and not a failure
but I need to appreciate the journey
and accept that the bumps along the way
Help me savor the next chapter
full of victories and maybe even love
Patience is a necessary virtue
for the growth and progress
necessary for the next chapter

December Poetry Challenge: Your Time is NOW

This was my response to prompt #21: Advice you’d give to someone else your age

shine brightly my friends

Don’t wait until you’re the perfect weight,
or you’re satisfied professionally,
or you’re swimming in wealth
learn to love yourself now,
find meaning within to be happy,
fall in love with your life
and take dozens and dozens of photos
of your newfound joy
don’t let someone’s else energy interfere
remember you are the one who determines your destiny
it’s up to you to not waste it

Happy 11 Years of Blogging

The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:

Happy Halloween! What’s scarier than a regular bitch?

I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.

I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:

A Decade of Blogging

I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.

I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.

The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:

Contact Info

Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.

December Poetry Challenge: A Slow Death

This is my response to prompt #10: One thing you could not give up

Don’t ask me to give up writing….EVER

You might as well do radical lobotomy
before you make me give up writing
You’d be asking me to give up
one of the things I most love–
my creativity with poetry and prose
brings me purpose and meaning on my good days
and helps me stay alive on my bad days
so if you ever ask me to give up my paper and pen
Understand you’d be asking for my slow death

Poesia:Te Odio con Todo Mi Corazón

Click the link below for the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/10/16/poetry-losing-my-mind/

Recibir esa llamada infame
mato mi calma e ego
descubriendo que había sido engañada
por el que me profesaba amor
Me hizo perder mi cordura
¿cómo pudiste hacerme esto?
Fuistes otro desastre
lleno de duplicidad
te odio con todo mi corazón
por destrozar todo lo que éramos

December Poetry Challenge: For My Starter Husband

This is my response to prompt #8:An event that turned out differently than planned

Don’t Let the Light Go Out by Panic!At the Disco—this song always makes me think of my starter husband 💔😪

We were an odd couple to start out with-
a generation apart-only 9 years younger than my dad
but we still fell in love and made it work for several years
eventually exchanged vows and rings,raised 3 beautiful kids
but we always knew we weren’t meant to be each other’s forever
at this realization-I went crazy and tried to find a new love story
but no one could stand me for long or treated me like a secret
and when all of them left, I took comfort in our friendship
understanding I needed to give respect until our legal ending
Without regrets and resentment in our unconventional love story
I’ll always love you, you will always my family