Poesía : El Destino

For the English Version of this poem, click on the link below:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/10/28/poetry-fate/

Escribí este poema en el 2000.

siempre mi favorito


Debió ser el destino
Por que al fin llegó mi alma gemela
es mi amante y mi amigo
quiero que mi tiempo con el
dure para siempre
Porque prende un fuego dentro de mi
y siempre es mi dulce inspiración
siempre me hace sonreír
Ojala que el sera mi ultima milla de amor

Poesía: Falso 2005

Escribe este poema en 2005 pensando en un canalla de mi pasado. En realidad no me acuerdo quien inspiro este poema.

El agradecimiento de lo que pudo ser
Siempre

Falso, falso, falso
Fuiste un cobarde
Al aprovecharte
De mi timidez

Falso, falso, falso
Que voy hacer
Con este vació
Con el cual usted me dejo

Falso, falso, falso
Mentiras negras
Fue con lo que salió
Porque me mintió

Tonta, tonta, tonta
Es la canción
Que canto yo

Poesia: Callar

Escribi este poema en 2004 cuando estaba amarga con mi esposo. Queria separarme de el.

verdad-yo lloro con poesia

Callar 

Ya no podemos callar
En tanta tempestad
Tu ya no me quieres
No hay nada más que hacer
Ya no hay ninguna solución
Para tanta desilusión
Es mejor que tomemos caminos separados
Y decir adiós a nuestro dolor

Poesia: Vete de Aqui

Vete de aqui
Ya no hay más puertas que abrir
Lo de nosotros ya no funciona
Se nos acabaron las palabras
Se termino nuestro amor
Y se volvió en un enorme rencor

Vete de aqui
Ya no eres nada para mi
Me hiriste demasiado
Con tu amor
Tu nunca quisiste
Tener en nosotros algo de fe

Vete de aqui
Nunca fui algo especial para ti
Nunca ocupe un sitio importante
Y hasta ahora no se porque
Es mejor que te vayas
Y terminar con nuestra
Tremenda farsa

Poesia: Te Amo

Escribí este poema después de que tuve una disolución desastrosa en el 2001. Soy bien dramática cuando una relación amorosa acaba.

Te Amo

Pero te odio

Te extraño

Pero me olvido

Te deseo

Pero tu amor es feo

Te quisiera tener aquí

Pero tu me haces sufrir

Te quisiera besar

Pero me mandas al fondo del mar

Te quiero conmigo

Pero tu eres frío 

Te guardo en mi corazón

Pero contigo pierdo la razón

Letting Go and Moving Forward-Drunk Edition 2020

It’s really hard to be vulnerable in this space but somehow I feel safe. Maybe it’s the lack of carbs along with almost a bottle of champagne and the almost anonymity. For the first time in a long time, I’m doing pretty good in life. I’m making this busy life of working almost 80 hours a week work for me with 3 kids, a great potential partner, a soon to be ex who’s my best friend/roommate, and the best friends any gal can find. I’m not failing at both of my jobs. In fact, I’m killing it and even had some “unusual” success at my second job. The guy that’s been my in my life for almost the past 4 months, has slowly moved from friendzone to something more last month and well he’s being very patient with my skittish behavior and my busy schedule. The second date and the last time we saw each other, he looked at me like I was magic and to be honest, it scared the shit out of me. So much of me wants to run away because I’ve never encountered someone that just wanted to really know me. Usually dudes, just put up this pretense of wanting to know the “real me” because they really want to be laid by someone “exotic” like me. Even, my soon to be ex husband pulled this trick. Haha. Do I blame them? Nah, It’s human nature to want to get laid, especially for guys. But, “A”, new dude, he’s different. He checks all of my potential great partner boxes and yet, I want to run. Maybe I’m scared of happiness finding me because I know how fleeting it can be.

Which leads me as to why I’m writing this post at midnight while kind of drunk as I listen to the saddest and cheesiest pop songs ( Hello Selena Gomez, Camila Cabello, Adriana Grande and my favorite, Ariana Grande…etc-you get the point-haha). I finally said goodbye tonight to the fuckboi that has been haunting my life for almost 2 years on my own terms. To explain our story, well, you can look back on other posts and angst ridden/love poetry. Two words to describe our long term situationship, intense and toxic. It’s a cliché but I never knew I could feel such intense hate and love for someone until I met him. I was F.Scott and he was my Zelda, my muse, my long term obsession. The last time we had a falling out, he ghosted me for 3 months and you guessed it, he came back the day after I had my second date with “A”. It’s like he senses when I’m happy or almost happy and comes back to cause chaos in my life. And my masochist tendencies went to see him even though I know our story always ends up in devastation for me. And even though, I was angry with him and I hate him, somehow I still wound up in bed with him. I knew that night like I knew the first night I was with him, I love him and part of that is that when I’m with him, he makes me feel like I belong to him. I’ve never felt that with anyone. It’s intoxicating and addictive and hard to give up, obviously.
However, the sex, the chemistry, the love I feel for him will never be enough for us to make things work, for him to change into the partner I deserve. I’ve known this for a while but hung on to hope looking for signs that maybe he would change if I “stayed” long enough tolerating his narcissistic bullshit and the awful way he treated me. It’s amazing how love can make one so foolish and dumb. I recognize and am aware in my own part in this toxic mess we both ended up making for 2 years. And even though I recognize the toxicity of whatever I have/had with him, it’s still hard to let go. It’s hard to let go of the fact that maybe I won’t feel this with anyone else. But then I tell myself, I don’t want to feel like this with anyone else. It’s crazy, toxic, and makes me lose all of my common sense. So tonight after I texted him “Goodbye” for the last time, I allowed myself to drink, have a mini breakdown, and isolate myself from my friends. I’m not even grieving him or the potential of the great love story we could have been, I gave up on that idea a long time ago.

Tonight, I’m allowing myself to just really move forward from him and start a new chapter where he no longer takes up space in my universe. Tonight, I allow myself to feel that I do indeed deserve all of the success professionally I encounter. Tonight, I allow myself to acknowledge that I do deserve someone like “A’ who values me more than just a girl he can fuck. And even if things end with him, I can hold on to the hope that there is someone out there for me that really sees me and believes I am indeed magic. I’m never again settling for kinda half ass effort just because the connection/chemistry is off the charts.