When I tell you I’m a poet- please take me seriously don’t think I’m some cute girl who writes a few verses in her room about how your kiss is a new kind of heaven Poetry for me has a much deeper meaning, poetry is how I bleed out all of my emotions I hold within
When I tell you I’m a poet- please don’t laugh at me or mock me don’t berate the simplicity of my words I weave into verse It’s how I make sense of my explosion of thoughts It’s how I express what I can’t say out loud
When I tell you I’m a poet- don’t try to cure me of my poetic nature and prey on my insecurities and try to kill my dreams of making my art seen I know how the odds are stacked against someone like me I don’t do it to make it to the mainstream- I do it so other women like me can be seen, can be inspired to dream
And finally when I tell you I’m a poet- Appreciate the artist in me, make yourself a sanctuary to put my poetry in- I’m not asking for endless compliments or an ego boost I’m asking for a safe space in you to love the poet I hold within
this could be and my lonely chicken nugget but he’s too scared to date me…no idea why..lol
On days when I’m hopeful about love- my laugh is lighter, my smile is brighter, my thoughts are the color of the sky thinking of the endless possibilities of how I’ll be loved and the many places me and my future somebody will go- while my cringy playlists play on the car radio and the many discussions or fights that might happen because one of us said the wrong thing or one of us won’t admit we got lost I”m still hopeful though keeping in mind that conflict is also part of how we’ll evolve
me in feb of 2023…trying to reclaim the softness in me
I’m graduating from writing about revenge and everyone who has harmed me I’m switched this narrative from woman scorned and full of spite To a woman reborned opened to love and joy in life While it’s fun to be petty and mean It’s better for me to reclaim the corny romantic in me the one I’ve kept hidden for 18 months the one who cries at the end of rom coms the one who’s desperate to fall in love again to continue this narrative about how I’m in love with my solitude no longer suits me when I have a universe of love to give
me in January of 2023…I give no fucks when I’m angry
when my inner bitch wakes up and rises-you better watch out I have no scruples, I have no morals my wrath has no limits I’ll come after you with my words call you out for hurting me or my loved ones I’ll forget everything I learned in therapy about compassion, about forgiveness I won’t just act like a woman scorned I’ll act like a villain in a horror movie out for revenge
December 19th is National Emo Day and I wanted to honor it by sharing my spotify playlist with my favorite Emo Songs. I started listening to Emo music when my best friend introduced me to Taking Back Sunday and Brand New in college. I liked the music but didn’t get into it until the summer of 2021. I remember I was on my summer staycation from hell and had this feeling of numbness and shock in my body as I was doing my power walk and no song was hitting the spot for me to feel something. I was also having a lot of intrusive and negative thoughts at the time so I was trying to feel something, anything to get out of my head and stay safe. None of the music I was listening to was hitting the spot and then I decided to try my former angry playlist and Cut without the E came on and omg my anger came out in full force. It was like this weird gift from the universe because well, I finally felt something and it was powerful. It feels strange to say that rage felt empowering to me but it did. It knocked me out of my self pity and hardcore suicidal ideation into my anger phase of the grief I was in and it was what I needed at the time. It was the song I needed to get me through one of the hardest times in my life. Anyways, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to the album, “Tell All Your Friends” by Taking Back Sunday that summer. Then I rediscovered Brand New, and discovered Fallout Boy, Panic!At the Disco and the music really resonated with me. I always joke around with my friends that “maybe I just like these white boys yelling angry lyrics in my ear” lmao. But seriously, there is something about that white boy angst and anger that really hits the spot when I’m in a bad mood. Well, rap music also hits the spot but that’s another blog post. Lol. This summer I was actually lucky enough to see Taking Back Sunday with Third Eye Blind in concert with the same best friend who introduced me to TBS. It’s weird to say but it was one of the most joyous experiences of my life. It was one of the times when I was thankful of the intensity of emotions that comes with my BPD because when I’m happy, oh boy, it’s almost overwhelming but in a good way.
me in July of this year at the Taking Back Sunday/Third Eye Blind Concertme with my best friend from college at the concert
Below is a video of me in the summer of 2021 and the summer of 2022. There is a clear difference in both versions of me. I remember being so reactive and full of rage when I recorded the video where I’m in my room and immediately posting it on tik tok. I was in my “fuck the world” stage of grief. The video at the concert is me in this state of complete happiness and joy. I remember thinking “wow, I’m just really happy at this moment listening to this song. There is no room for anger in my heart”. It’s dramatic to say that it was cathartic for me but it was. To diminish that moment to something less than that would be invalidating what I felt at that moment.
what a difference a year makes!
Helena -My Chemical Romance
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off- Panic!At the Disco
Cut without the “E”-Taking Back Sunday
Motorcycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind
The Kill-Thirty Seconds to Mars
There’s No “I” in Team-Taking Back Sunday
Seventy Times 7-Brand New
Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional
Sugar We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades-Brand New
I’m Not Okay (I Promise)-My Chemical Romance
Head Club- Taking Back Sunday
The Patron Saint of Liars- Fall Out Boy
The Only Difference Between Matrydom and Suicide is Fame- Panic!At the Disco
Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
A Decade Under the Influences-Taking Back Sunday
Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things to do Today- Fall Out Boy
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional
Jude Law and A Semester Abroad- Brand New
Here is my spotify playlist of my favorite emo songs for your listening pleasure:
This time it will be different-I lie to myself over and over again- and for a while I’ll believe it-but it never works out and they always leave- And I wonder how words fail me when this happens- it’s a magnitude of emotions- Intense, mega, uber, all consuming, overwhelming- Some things cannot adequately expressed even with bilingual vocabulary- maybe not everything is meant to be written down it’s just meant to be felt, held intimately in my heart and mind maybe it’s a private thing between me and the universe
estancados en un purgatorio-no sabemos cómo continuar entonces nos mentimos que todavía nos amamos cuando ni siquiera nos aguantamos me dices que estoy loca por admitir la verdad pero me harte y prefiero parar de desperdiciar mi tiempo en algo que me está sofocando y robando mi paz
I probably just got done crying right before this pic was taken
In my car-I scream, sing, write, and cry I dissociate to my radio-blasting out Conan Gray I can be as crazy I as want to be- without the fear of being judged or talked about the seat is molded to my petite frame perfect for meditation or for allowing myself to fall into my insanity makes videos about how beautiful life is- or how I no longer want to participate in it my car used to feed into my deepest fears and insecurities but now I worship it if it wasn’t for this sacred space away from my office and home I don’t know how I would cope when the intensity of my thoughts knock on my mind’s door
our love dream has turned into a nightmare of stagnancy and routine I walk carefully on eggshells to not disturb your peace so you don’t leave- Is this how love is supposed to be? More questions than answers, more confusion than clarity More tears than laughter- I want to stay for the sake of our family but I’m starting to burn with resentment and anger
maybe my traumatic birth set the tone for the many rebirths I’d have I’m the cat with more than nine lives I’m the phoenix who always rises from the ashes I’ve been through so many rebirths and transformations It’s almost comical or maybe it’s brave instead because I’ve always been able to get back up no matter how catastrophic the fall has been
fragments of who I was weave in and out of my prose and poetry- I keep trying to honor the old me when she comes back with my insecurities and reminds me of how I constantly screw up anything resembling love I no longer shame her or call her the worst version of me- she was just trying to navigate life not understanding she was an undiagnosed hurricane of emotions- that couldn’t control or manage She didn’t go to therapy or know about DBT And she’s still full of grief for the life she couldn’t live- so she keeps on showing up trying to shake up my newfound confidence and power it’s her version of jealousy, and I walk with her for a while Console her, and let her know how because of her I did the work, and now she can feel happiness and joy through me I will forever be grateful to her and pay tribute to her when I tell her story
quizás me precipite en tratar de terminar nuestro cuento de amor es que no se que pensar o hacer cuando te alejas de mi cuando me haces sentir como una caprichosa por querer mas tiempo contigo por querer tener un poco de tu afección como podemos reparar las palabras hirientes que te tire porque ahora nos une el niño en mi vientre y no quiero que él sea el producto de un hogar roto porque nosotros no sabemos cómo comprendernos
my transformation and rebirth meant giving voice to my shadow who’s vindictive, petty, and mean I’ve never really allowed her to breathe much less be seen and now she’s almost everywhere- taking space in uncomfortable spaces learning she’s not bad- she just needed attention and to feel valued I’ve finally accepted she’s an important part of me who needs to be seen
me and the evil Christmas Tree invading my writing space
As I sit here squished in my writing space because the damn Christmas tree is taking up the other side of the room, I still feel incredibly blessed and fortunate that I’m writing this post about how the 11th year of blogging was. To still be here telling my story though this platform with the most incredible followers is a true blessing. To the many people who have been supportive of me as I vomit out some of the cringiest and craziest shit, y’all are the real MVPs. I feel so encouraged and loved by every like or comment. I would say that it was a low key year because I didn’t experiment as much as I wanted to. What I did do is tell my story from January of 2022 through December of 2022 with my poetry along with my translated poems from my early writing days. I’ve translated a total of 215 pages of poetry from 1997 to 2004. It’s been a challenge for sure but it was important for me to take on this project because it allows me to reconnect with my first language in a creative way. Also, my main purpose for taking on this project is because I’d love for my parents and other Spanish speaking relatives in Peru to be able to read my poetry. I’d even started putting some of these poems on tik tok which has been somewhat of an interesting experiment considering I don’t know what I’m doing and still figuring out the best way to create content there. I guess one could say that I’m passionate about telling my story. Here’s my tiktok handle if y’all want to check it out: https://www.tiktok.com/@lagringachola81
Another new thing I did this year is start using my real name on this blog and across all of my social media. After my divorce, aka, my liberation day, I was finally able to let go of my pseudonym Eliza Dalton and use my real name Patty Tacuri. So, hi everyone, my name is Patty and I have issues. I love to use that opening line at open mic. Lol.
hi, it’s me Patty, your little piece of heaven or hell—lol
I’ve also been going to open mic at my local pub and it’s helped me connect with other poets which has helped me grow as a writer and poet. Being up there on that stage sharing the most vulnerable parts of myself has felt incredibly empowering and healing. I’m grateful to the Athens Word of Mouth community who’s been so open and receptive to whatever trauma laden or angry poem I decide to read that night.
me at open mic on December 6,2023 -photo from Athens Word of Mouth
As to what kind of blog content I have planned for 2024, I plan to leave the format as it is in telling my story of 2023 and including the translated pieces in between those poems. I hope that I can do more collaborations and review some more poetry books. I don’t have much more planned than that but who knows, sometimes my crazy mind comes up with the most off the wall ideas and an unexpected playlist or an essay about some kind of trauma happens. I know that in 2024, I want to be more open and vulnerable in telling my story and how my recovery journey has been going. We’ll see what happens. I can tell you that this blog is my happy place and something that keeps me going when my depression wants to get the better of me. Planning blog content this year has kept me grounded more times than I can count this year especially with some of the big emotions that have come up with the major life events I’ve had. It’s become part of my recovery process from mental illness and a safe space for me to be honest and vulnerable. Also, since I’m such a main character now, haha, I decided to give y’all a preview about what’s to come next year in telling my story. I’m calling it the twelve days of Patty starting on December 20th. Again, I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my crazy and sometimes cringe poetry. To my fellow bloggers, poets,and storytellers-my message for you is to keep going! Your art and stories are important!
We’ve lost our beginner’s luck and now see who we really are two incompatible souls too stubborn to be alone and let go of our made up illusion of love and between our uncomfortable silences, your distant demeanor, and my growing resentment it’s better to close our chapter of love before I start to really hate you let’s end this while we can still walk away as friends
Life on the BPD 