I wish for sleep to take me away to a dreamless land but I’ll take unpleasant dreams about ghosts from my past just so my body can get a full night’s rest But sleep evades me,it runs away from me like a lover who lures me with a taste of love only to abandon me on a whim and I try and try and try to shut down my mind but tonight an emotional triggers hit me and trauma visits me My body and mind remembers the adrenaline rush of emotional and physical wounds and it scares sleep off I wonder what to do next and get angry at my traitorous body but I remember-trauma is complex and while most of it has been processed There are still remnants that come out to be seen, to be addressed And I end up here with the nightmare of insomnia that won’t let me rest And while it’s scary I remember it’s also temporary eventually my body has to give in and I’ll fall asleep
Escribí este poema en 1998 cuando me di cuenta que estaba embarazada con mi primer hijo.
No me puedo concentrarme pensando en mi desgracia La muerte sería mejor que seguir mintiendo Me estoy subiendo de peso Y la regla no me baja No puede seguir aguantando esta pesadilla que es mi vida estoy perdiendo esperanza ¿Quién me puede ayudar? Todo esto por unos minutos de placer
Escribí este poema en 1997 cuando me enojo con el padre biológico de mi hijo mayor. Me desilusione cuando el paro de llamarme.
Creí cuando me dijiste que me amabas Fui una tonta en confiar en it Creyéndome tus promesas falsas Fuiste cruel al usarme para apagar tu sed primal Me dejaste como otra víctima de tu juego desalmado de amor Tu corazón debe ser hecho de hielo para mentir por tu antojo sexual
I wrote this in 2006 thinking back on my time with Lucas.
A shadow of our friendship is all there is left After life gets in the way of wanting something more And when I see you around A wave, a nod An acknowledgement we once knew Each other Our conversations are now long gone But we’re forever etched in each other’s minds and dreams
From the ages of 18 to 23, I worked for a government agency as an interpreter. I was well-liked by many of my coworkers and my first supervisor was appreciative of me. I was very good at my job and even cross-trained in many other areas that didn’t “pertain to my job”. However, at that job, I was also bullied and discriminated against for being Latina. I was also slut-shamed by my second supervisor and coworkers the latter 2 years I was there. I don’t want to say I deserved being slut-shamed but I’ll just say that I trusted the wrong coworkers with my private life and they went on to gossip about me to everyone. It was also a very stressful environment because of the work I did and clients I had to interact with. My depression and anxiety went haywire. In 2003, I decided to enroll in my local community college and major in English. In 2004, I was trying to go to school full time, work full time, and deal with my child’s new autism diagnosis. I was breaking down mentally and something had to give so I quit this job. I was fucking done. And this poem was inspired by that moment. I thought I had processed this trauma until it came back up in therapy in the summer of 2021. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had suffered a deep racial trauma that impacted me and still triggered reactions in me. I was angry. There is actually way more to this story and one day I’ll share it when I’m ready.
I wrote this in February of 2004 after my car accident after I was feeling lost and deep sense of despair and worthlessness. It was a trauma that would affect me for many years to come. I’ll tell the story of the accident one day when I’m ready to.
Last week I was where I needed to be
Today I am lost again with no sense of who I am
Or where I want to go
They tell me I’m a mother, daughter, coworker,
Student, sister, and girlfriend
But I don’t seem be right fit into any of those roles
So can somebody instruct me
on how to get to where I once was
Or more importantly on how to be happy just to be me
I wrote this poem in January of 2004 when I was frustrated with Matt and blamed him for my life going awry. Looking back, it was misplaced blame on a situation that only I had control over. At the time, it was much easier to blame Matt rather than take a look at myself and how I was responsible for the mess I made of my life.
I wrote this in May of 2003 when one of my close friends had a miscarriage.
It’s so funny and ironic When something bad happens most people says things Like “it’s God’s way” or the famous “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” It makes you wonder if there are actual people out there who would say, “It’s okay to be mad at God’s way” or “It’s alright to be weak instead of strong” or that it’s perfectly fine to scream out loud “FUCK THE WORLD” If there is a least one person like this, I want them to become my new “best friend”
I wrote this in January of 2003 about John. Maybe he tried to come back to be an FWB and I got mad and that’s what inspired this poem.
Why do you continue to be such an asshole to me? With your pathetic games you make yourself look lame You expect me to sit around and wait for you whenever it’s fucking convenient for you but I guess this is my fault for letting us almost fuck So now I have to tell you something I will no longer be your fucking fling So start to forget that we ever met Go on your merry away and stay away for i am lot more than an on call whore