I’m not made for polyamory or maybe even monogamy I”m a complete disaster when it comes to love, well, romantic love but I’m great at other kinds of love Loving my children, adoring my friends, worshiping my parents and of course filling myself with self love but still I wonder if somewhere in this big wide world exist an almost ideal lover who’ll bring out my best and love me at my worse who won’t put me on a pedestal and doesn’t scare easily and leave when he sees all of me
Do I sabotage every love dream because I’m insane and have BPD? Or is it the men I pick who easily give up on me when they can’t save me Maybe I’ll put this love thing on hold for a while to enjoy my newfound tranquility- to focus on my emotional stability because every time I try to love someone I end up fucking things up And it’s not fair to me or them to make them love an emotional and reckless trainwreck who never knows when she’s gonna break
Setting This takes place in a nice and clean kitchen and there is a refrigerator with pictures and Jason’s drawings and also a table.
LACIE enters following MARY into the kitchen door and sits down. LACIE puts her coat on the chair. LACIE is coming home from prison. LACIE walks with a slight limp and sits down.
LACIE: Damn, Mom, the kitchen looks a helluva lot different compared to the last time I was here. MARY: Well, I guess I forgot to mention to you. We renovated the kitchen last summer. LACIE: Well, I gotta tell ya , you really outdid yourself. MARY: Yeah, well with your dad’s new job, we’ve been able to do a lot of things around here we always wanted to do but never had the money to— LACIE: Wait, Dad got a new job? God, he’s been at Phillips Assembly for years, I thought he would stay there forever. MARY: Well, ya know we thought it was time for him to move on to something else…something where he could better our situation. LACIE: Still, Dad and change, you know damn well those are just two things that don’t go together.(Looks at fingernails and bites them.) So, where is he working? MARY: Dacute Enterprises. He’s an overseer for their assembly line.
(LACIE bursts out laughing.)
MARY: Hey, what’s so funny? LACIE: Who in their right mind would give a drunk a supervisory position?
(MARY frowns.)
MARY: Well, maybe things have changed more than ya think. LACIE: Whadda ya mean? MARY: You’ll see. So, how does it feel to finally be back home? LACIE: Pretty good. But damn, I didn’t imagine that so much shit would change ‘round here. MARY: Hey, watch your language around here!
LACIE: It didn’t bother ya before.
MARY: Well, we don’t talk that way no more.
(LACIE gives MARY a dismissive look.)
MARY: Ya know, for Jason’s sake.
LACIE: Okay, then.
MARY: So, ya hungry?
LACIE: Yeah.
MARY: Whadda ya feel like eating?
(MARY goes to the refrigerator and looks for something to cook.)
LACIE: Anything really.
MARY: Okay.
(MARY pulls out something to cooks fridge. LACIE looks at JASON’S artwork on
the side of the fridge.)
LACIE: So, these are Jason’s drawings?
(MARY closes fridge and looks proudly at artwork.)
MARY: Yeah, creative ain’t he?
LACIE: Yeah, I see that. I can’t wait ‘til he gets home. Me and him have lotsof catching up to do.
MARY: Don’t get so excited , we really do need to talk about—
LACIE: Later, I don’t feel up to listening to one of your talks…had to listen to enough of them when you use to visit me.
(MARY lets out a big sigh.)
MARY: Okay.
LACIE: So, when’s he coming home?
MARY: Well your dad shoulda picked him up from voice lessons ten minutes ago so they should be home maybe in 30 minutes.
LACIE: Voice lessons? What the….I mean, when did this happen?
MARY: Six months ago,the reverend at church heard him singing one day and thought he was pretty good and so he suggested voice lessons to fine tune his instrument, whateva that means. Your dad didn’t wanna let him at first, but Jason, as always, found a way to convince him.
LACIE: Church huh? Since, when did y’all start going to church?
MARY: Well…
LACIE: Ya know something; I need a beer about now.
(LACIE gets up and looks in the fridge for a beer.)
LACIE: Where does dad keep the beer nowadays? I can’t find it. MARY: Your dad doesn’t drink anymore.
(LACIE slams the refrigerator door and sits down.)
LACIE: What do you mean dad don’t drink no more? You gotta be joking right? MARY: Now why would I joke about something like that?
LACIE: He don’t drink no more? At all? MARY: Nope. It was one of the conditions the social worker gave us that your dad had to agree to so the state would let us have custody of Jason. I wanted him to tell you himself, but— LACIE: What the hell! I mean I know I’ve been gone for a while, but sheesh I expected at least a few things to stay the same. MARY: I thought you’d be happy your dad stopped drinking. I know it’s something you used to always whine about. LACIE: I know I did, it’s just that… MARY: What is it? LACIE: Never mind. Well, at least I can count on one thing and that’s finally getting to know my kid. I can’t wait to see him. I wonder if he’ll still remember me— MARY: We need to talk. LACIE: I told you, I don’t feel like— MARY: You just don’t know. There are some things that we’ve had to tell—
(DALE enters with JASON running. Jason notices Lacie and hides behind Mary’s chair.)
MARY: I wasn’t expecting y’all so soon. (Gives DALE an accusatory look.)A call sure would’ve been nice. DALE: Well, I didn’t expect J’s lesson to let out so early and since I was— JASON: Who’s that?
(Lacie approaches Jason slowly.)
LACIE: You should know who I am, now come over here and give your –
(Dale immediately gets in between Lacie and Jason and pulls Jason to him, faces him.)
MARY: Sister a big hug. Don’t ya remember we talked last week about a sister that might be coming to live with us? JASON: Oh! Now, I remember! The one living in…in (Jason starts scratching his head) DALE: Europe for the past six years. JASON: That’s right…Hey, I’m Jason
(Extends hand to LACIE, LACIE grabs him and hugs him, JASON is real uncomfortable. LACIE won’t let go of JASON, MARY goes and rescues JASON from LACIE’S grasp and pulls him towards her. LACIE’S eyes tear up.)
MARY: Jason, honey, why don’t you go wash up and go to your room for a little while your dad and I catch up with your sister. JASON: Okay, Mommy.
(JASON leaves, but looks back in kind of a weird way at LACIE.)
(LACIE stands there for a minute and then walks towards where JASON went, MARY stops her by grabbing her by the shoulders. They’re facing each other.)
MARY: Don’t! LACIE: Sister? Europe? What kinda lies have you been telling MY son? DALE: Keep your voice down, the boy will hear you.
(MARY motions for LACIE to sit down but LACIE won’t.)
MARY: Sit down, please, your dad and I need to explain a few things to you.
LACIE: Explain what? That you have basically stolen my son from me… YOU promised me he would know who I was once I got out. No fucking wonder you wouldn’t bring him to come visit me. I ain’t gonna listen to this shit.
(LACIE heads towards the door to get JASON but DALE stands in front of the door.)
LACIE: Get outta my way, you— DALE: Sit down and shut up and LISTEN to what me and your ma have to say if you care about Jason at all. LACIE: Shit! That’s funny coming from you considering all my life the only thing you ever cared about was your fucking Rolling Rock. I wouldn’t be in this fucking mess if you hadn’t been such a sorry-
(DALE slaps LACIE across the cheek, MARY pulls them apart, all three of them just stand there for a moment.)
LACIE: I don’t need this shit! I’m getting my son and leaving this hellhole! MARY: Please, Lacie, don’t be so damn stubborn and hear us out— LACIE: Why the hell should I?
(LACIE walks towards the door again.)
MARY: If you’re not a completely selfish bitch, you will-
(LACIE stops and faces MARY.)
LACIE: Selfish, like you should be one to fucking talk calling ME selfish when you’re the one who wouldn’t stop HIM(pointing to DALE) from beating the shit out of me when he— MARY: Just calm down and let me explain some things to you LACIE: I guess I’ll have to just so you leave me alone. (Crosses her arms with a scowl)
(MARY sits down.)
MARY: Okay, okay. When you had your little incident- LACIE: Damn, you make it sound like I tripped and fell or something. DALE: What your ma means is that when you were arrested, we found out all of a sudden you had a son. MARY: Yeah, you don’t think it took us by surprise? You were gone for two years and we looked everywhere for you— LACIE: And so because you’re pissed off at me, you decided to get back at me by telling MY son that you are his parents. MARY: When are you going to learn the whole world doesn’t revolve around you? What we did was out of love for our grandson. Now just listen…as I was saying we looked for you everywhere. DALE: And then the cops come up to the house one day and tell us you have killed your husband and if we could take our grandson in. MARY: A grandson that needed so much out of us and we had no choice and saw ourselves raising your son. DALE: We started to see things in a new way, ya know. MARY: All we wanted for him was to grow up with a normal family… so yeah for his well being…we told him we were his parents, and you were his sister. LACIE: I can’t believe you did this! DALE: What did you expect us to do? Tell him that his real mom was in jail for killing his father. LACIE: Oh and you think I killed him for fun or something, I had to kill that asshole to save both me and Jason…you don’t fucking understand…that sick bastard had already broken my leg and when I found him trying to mess with Jason…I knew I had to do something to save him from that monster and I didn’t care if I went to jail for it. DALE: What’s done is done, there’s no turning back. You can either stay here and live under these conditions or you can leave. LACIE: I can’t fucking believe this, Mom, I expected you out of all people to understand. Don’t you understand? Everything I did, I did it for him! MARY: I do understand but …you should understand, we were left with no other choice other than to do the right thing for him. LACIE: And that’s all you have to say! DALE: Like I said before, you can either live with this or you can go. LACIE: I guess I’ll just have to—
(A basketball bounces into the kitchen and JASON enters the room skipping looking for his ball.)
JASON: Just came to get my ball…
(Picks up basketball and holds it.)
MARY: What did I tell you about playing ball in the house? JASON: I’m sorry …won’t do it again…sheesh. LACIE: Hi… JASON: You okay? LACIE: Yeah, I’m fine…I’m just a little sad. JASON: Why LACIE: I have to make a choice about something important. JASON: Why? LACIE: Because I just have to. JASON: Um…okay. (gets his ball) I got an idea… maybe if you play some b-ball with me…you might feel better. LACIE: That’s actually not a bad idea.
Could you spare me some validation and affection, so I can feel like a real person? I thrive on the love and attention of lovers I don’t know how to feel whole or enough by myself And admitting it is so embarrassing But wait, don’t go… Fuck it! I’m done with this life of dishonesty here comes my brutal truth-sorry if it bothers you but I’m done reigning it in for the comfort of others I’m clingy and melodramatic with emotional warts and all and even though my truth scares off everybody At least now I’m free to embrace and love the real me
I warn potential lovers about me about how crazy I can be about how I fall in love easily but they never seem to listen and fill me up with adoration and don’t proceed with caution Instead I’m placed on a pedestal Where they professed their love That’s when I feel the pressure of being everything they want So they think I’m really the one and their love will last long but eventually I break down in my emotions I start to drown They’ll say, I thought you were healed You’re so damn crazy They see me as an atrocity And once again I’m tragically crushed By another temporary and fickle love Who can’t handle me at my worst
remorse and guilt eat him up inside thinking of everything that could have been the family he could have had if only he hadn’t allowed his fear and pride control him and make him choose safety over an unknown destiny he still wonders about
put me on a pedestal and watch how quickly I fall for saying no to you For standing up for myself for making myself heard You’ll cry foul and wonder, where did my dream girl go? but don’t you see- I wasn’t made for altars and pedestals I was made for thrones A throne where I know my worth A throne where I’m valued A throne where I’m appreciated as a whole person and not just seen as an object as affection and masturbation So quit seeing me as a saint or angel and understand I’m a chaotic queen
My therapist said my diagnosis makes it hard to sustain relationships and I believe it wholeheartedly because my love data shows me many times anything involving love and lust crashes and burns because my romantic history is full of unhealthy and toxic patterns so now I avoid anything resembling feelings of intimacy I value my emotional stability too much to once again lose my sanity to another love that’s temporary
Pero, porque insistes en algo que nunca será y querer arruinar nuestra amistad estas perdiendo tu tiempo halagandome tratando de conquistarme porque siempre te considere un amigo, un hermano tratando de ser algo más sería una falta de respeto a la relación dulce y pura que tenemos
I turn the world off and by the world I mean my phone- I’m done with the posts about healing or being self aware or reels about how people like me struggle because of patriarchy or white supremacy I’m done with texts and calls from friends and family asking if I’m okay because of some weird status I posted I’m done with the announcements about babies or impending marriages or how so and so’s kid made honor roll I’m done with emails asking me if I want to improve my website or am I ready for a new summer wardrobe I’m just done with the world today and retreat into my world of writing,reading, and vinyls
ni siquiera se tu apellido pero ya estas sacando la poeta que vive en mi ni siquiera se tu cumpleaños pero ya sueño contigo ni siquiera se donde vives pero tu ya ocupas un espacio en mi corazón
me in May of 2022 coming out of a major depressive episode
To the one who stay to love me Thank you, thank you, thank you I know I’m not always easy to deal with I know my brand of crazy doesn’t always bring out the best of me I know that my anger makes me a monster sometimes But you’ve stayed and dealt with it the best way you could Either calling me out when I’m dramatic or expressing your concern when I’m salty or impulsive The sense of community you’ve given me feels like my life’s remedy You’ve never asked me to change and really love and accept me
Lost between fantasy and reality I stay Reality feels boring and monotonous and to constantly dream is free I dream of traveling, of success of stability within and it’s nice to stay lost in the fantasy of what I want my life to be But I can’t and must return to my reality of always working, of always hustling because my dreams won’t come true unless I work to make them happen
Siempre soñé con un amor profundo e incondicional un amor que se quedaría en lo bien y en lo mal Y pensé que ese amor no mas podría encontrarlo en un hombre un hombre que se moriría por mi que me aguantaria todo y me hiciera sentir como la mujer más bella del mundo pero aprendí con el tiempo que eso es un sueño inalcanzable que eso es un sueño imposible Y un dia me di cuenta Que el amor que buscaba siempre vivió dentro de mi Y nunca necesite a alguien que me enseñara que era amar o como amar Porque el amor verdadero y duradero es el amor que yo siento por mi
Life on the BPD 